Dare I?

It has been eons. Do i have the time? Can i remember how to do this? Goodness knows what has changed while i have been away ...busy living.

Dare I?

Do not wear shoes when bungee jumping and other things...

So the story that finally got me off my fat lazy bum to blogging is this:

And just because someone seems convinced I am bila boobs, here is proof:

Bungee Jumping. That is what I was up to last Saturday simply because a small kinyangarika was celebrating their birthday and was determined to face death halfway through her existence. I basically receive an invitation to go bungee jumping, without the option of saying no. So, come Sato, I started the day with a grand plan. Which is where I had it all wrong, including the one on shoes (seriously!).

1. To eat or not to eat, that is the question.
The first plan was not to eat. The idea being that if i didn't eat I would not throw up out of sheer terror, right? WRONG! The sensation of the jump is such that your faculties are too busy panicking, "What the....#$!$#!$%$%@%", by the time your puking faculties realise that they need to kick into action, you have passed out. Or are dead.
Lesson: Eat, no, hog like it's the Last Supper. It could be!

2. Sagana is only a few hours drive from Nairobi.
Not if you are relying on the only vehicle with a speed governor in Kenya. This was not just any slow vehicle - this was the slowest. The last straw was when we were almost overtaken by a donkey-cart. We resorted to threatening mass action on the driver although much good that did us. So to pass time, we worked on the popcorn we had bought at Nakumatt on Thika road (these are so fresh and yummy). Of course, my dilemma a the time was in the fact that each mile meant a step closer to...er...death. And the very thought made me wanna pee every time it occured, which was continuously.
Lesson: The road to Sagana has no "pee-bushes". Carry a pee bag, the size being dependent on what choice you made in 1 above.

So, it was with a big sigh of relief....

...and a big gulp of apprehension to see these:


3. A 60 meter jump is ok, after all Zambezi is 110 meters....
...or is it? Let me break it down, remember those annoying rulers we used to have in primary school that had 12 inches one side and 30 cms on the other side and had this annoying habit of breaking in your school bag despite you carefully storing it between two A4 books? Now, imgaine lining up - and I mean, UP literally. Think of lining up 200 of them up into the sky. That's a 60 meter jump. Nope. A 60 meter jump actually looks like this:

Lesson: That picture tells only half the story. That is only 30 meters (gulp!)

4. Bungee jumps are usually off a bridge, a cliff, maybe a desk? Easy peasy stuff.
No. At Sagana, it aint so easy as walking to the edge of the cliff and jumping off. At Sagana, they get you all trussed and girded up:

then they make you climb up....

.....and up...

....and up until you get to the cage. Yes, the CAGE of no return.

Lesson: You have no one - no one but yourself to blame for your jump. At Sagana, you prove intention and determination (misplaced as it may be) to jump before you jump.

5. I can always back out.
Not if you have just climbed up 60 meters of steel on your own. Not if climbing down will take more time than swinging down. Not if you've already paid for the jump. Not if you have only 15 minutes to make up your mind. Not after you have seen someone else jump - it looks so easy. And fun!
Lesson: Do NOT approach the jump if you do not intend to jump. Put down the harness and walk away from it.

But truth be told, I am glad I did it. I was asked to describe the sensation in one word and the only one that came to mind was, "Death". Whether that's a good or a bad thing is a story for another day. One minute I was in the cave and the next I was saying stupid stuff like, "It is now or never", "Let's get this over and done with" and then my brain clicked and I realised that I was airborne. And I discovered gravity does exist. About this time terror kicked in - I know I am jumping, I know there's a chord holding me, but I can feel the wind whistling past my ears and it is whistling past so fast, I swear there's a tune somewhere there. I get a fleeting thought on the speed an asteroid falls to earth to create enough friction to ignite because I am moving fast!


I am definitely moving fast! And it's at this point that it dawns on me that the person screaming at the top of their voice - decibels so loud that those pop idols dudes might envy me - that screamer is me! So I stop screaming and start laughing and what do I hear? Bloody #$@!%$%$% They are cheering! The ones on solid ground are cheering! I am screaming in terror and they are cheering?? But maybe this is not too bad. So I start laughing. I was beginning to enjoy it after all.

Then the first jerk. That's the worst part. The jerk.
Now, see the thing is, the bungee chord is elastic. Which means you are like a yoyo. You fall then once the chord is all stretched out, you are jerked back up and of course you have to fall again. I stopped laughing after the first jerk and started yelling again. After a couple of jerks and falls, i was getting the hang of it (all pun intended) and then got alarmed about something else....yep. Don't wear shoes when bungee jumping.

My shoe was falling off. Being tossed all over the place, managed not to throw up, managed not to pee or worse. And now my shoe was about to fall several feet down and sink 15 meters into Tana River? Now how? I was screaming now, not in fear for my life, but for my shoe! And i was mad. How dare the shoe cause a blight in my perfect jump.

So the relief I felt when I was finally reeled in was more because of saving my shoe than the end of the jump. And that's when the audacity of it all struck me. Ha!


So, who's down for Rhino Charge next?

It feels Gooooooood, tch, ah!

It truly does.

To be able to write without time limitations. Without fear of getting disconnected. Or getting an overwhelming bill.

And I am all creaky, cobweby, dusty and rusty - I dont even remember how to put in smileys in chat, secondary internet virginity? Ah, to learn all over again. It will be good times. Soon. Very soon.

And now, here's kidogo murder of the English language. Too Funny.

The Leave Applications:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his d aughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

· Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

· Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

· Letter writing: "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

· A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a "Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female"... As I am both(!!)for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

New leaf

It's been so long. Gotten all rusty. Lost touch.

So terrible.

Hopefully though, tomorrow's a new day with new things and I am revving to go again. Keeping all my digits crossed and keeping the broom handy so that I am good and ready to sweep away the cob-webs in my crib. And soon.

Phew.....

Confused

Thoughts flying through my head. All over. Not making any sense. Thinking this, thinking that, thinking neither.

 

I want to trust you.

I want to trust you so bad. But then, how do I trust? Are you showing me who you really are? Am I expecting too much from you? Are you right in saying you shouldn't have to cultivate my trust. Should I know whether or not I trust you - how does someone know? Why is it that I trust T without having to think about it. Why cant I take you for who you are? Can I live with that or will it eat me alive?

 

I love your sense of humour.

Yes I do - though your timing is sometimes questionable. I love the way you smile. I like that you smile because of something I say. I like that you like my smile. I like that you think I'm attractive. I like you. I think that I am scared to delve deeper because I might like you even more. I think I want to like you more.

 

You infuriate me.

You have the ability of driving me nuts to the point of distraction. There are days I could strangle you - literally - given the chance. There are days I swear never to talk to you, discuss you or think about you - ever. But you also have the ability of bringing out my forgiving and forgetting side. I let you off real easy, you know I do. In you I have discovered I can be extremely patient.

 

You consume me.

I long for you when you are not around. I yearn to be with you, to do things with you, to do things to you. Then when you are finally here I get all shy and gawky. I lack the words to say what I feel. I feel unable to express myself physically. Something holds me back. Is it fear of the unknown? Is it fear of inadequacy? Am I too comfortable where I am? I am outgrowing my comfort zone. I have worn it like a cloak for so long, I think I have forgotten how to get out of it. Am I really ready to step out finally - throw caution to the wind, let go and let you lead me where you want us to go. If I jump will you jump with me; will you wait while I catch my breath?

 

You inspire me.

You make me see me in a different light. In a better light. You inspire me to better myself. You inspire me to have confidence in myself. You inspire me to take actions that I otherwise wouldn't have. Could you actually be good for me?

 

Thoughts flying through my head. All over. Not making any sense. Thinking this, thinking that, thinking neither.

Determined...

I remain determined. Determined to learn and post a pic-blog via email now that I appear doomed to internet-less days. So here goes another test blog. A pic clearly reflecting one of my madder days:

Loosing myself?

 

I have crossed all my appendages that this works. Because if it works, it's goodbye boring days on the job...:)

 

PS: I am up and running but the gmail and yahoo still have more issues than a female with pms. Help me soon? Unajijua. ;-)

---

So, Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates.  St. Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano come on in. Squeeze through'.

Pavarotti says 'Hold on I've got an envelope for you from the Pope.'

St. Peter opens it up and reads it: 

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

Peaceful here

Feels like it's been a bit since I was last hear. Mhmm.  

 

Today I have no defeated spirit with "I am done" bits - nope. That's the end[, of] HisStory.

 

Today I am elated. Today I am appreciated. Today I feel happy. Today I feel at peace.

 

I have a weekend ahead of me and for the first time since I don't know when, less than 24 hours away and I still have no concrete plans. Oh, I have several blissfully sublime plans of getting fitted for a bridesmaid gown (they all getting married around my ears and I had 5-must attend weddings between 1st Sep and 8th Dec - is it because I am the only unwed of the bunch still standing - haha!).

 

So, now that I have time on my hands suddenly - what do I do? The next time I might be this free again is 13th October!

 

Over and out.

:)

 

---

Ah, now this made my day:

 
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

 

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

 

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc".

 

The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".

 

The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

 

The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

 

The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool."

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

 

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.

 

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!

 

 

Done

I am done.

 

I don't understand.....I probably never will.

 

I am done trying to understand.

 

I am done being patient.

 

I am done trying to be thoughtful.

 

Hell, I am done trying.

 

I am DONE!

New blog celeb?

I get this email forwarded to me today. I start reading and I am thinking, "Mhmmm, sounds like something a blogger would write". I read on, smile, chuckle and laugh. Then I see Archer's and Mwangi's names and I am going, "U-huh!". So, who's the source of something titled "Funga Chips" which has characters called Sospeter and Wilkisita or something (where did you get those names from!!!). Wanted to let you know your posts are being lifted and passed on as forwards without reference to you - although at least no one's pretending to own them.....yet!! 

 

Otherwise, the boss continues to abscond. Dude should have returned on Monday but he has extended his leave for one more week. On Monday I was shocked. Yesterday I was in denial then pissed. Today I have hit acceptance and resignation.

 

Which means I continue to hold forte when I thought I'd be able to disappear sometime this week. Especially after the weekend I had last week. Yep, I somehow managed to do all the things on my to-do-list for Sato (and managed the feat of showering four times within one day - although the fourth time was at 3am so does that count? OK - four times between sleeping hours). And the wedding which I attended rocked. Made me re-think....mhmmm, might not be so bad after all - the hooking up bit that is. Still undecided on the other bits that go along with hooking up.

 

Sunday I crashed completely. Completely. No thoughts. No plans. Some tlc. And BB2. Which reminds me - so Jeff's out of the house. But does make you wonder. I don't know - see I figured it's a competition of personalities. It also has quite a tidy sum waiting for someone at the end of the 98 days. I'd figured I'd give it to someone who deserves it? Or someone who needs it most? Or someone who I figure will put it to really good use. And so far, at least in my opinion, Jeff was amongst the most likely candidates who fit this description (forget the strange exercises - did you see his face cringe when he actually saw himself). Yet he was evicted purely on the premise that he is boring. Huh??? Oh well.

 

I should just grab my bag and go home. I am in no mood to work today haki.

---

Here's another forward that cracked me up because it almost hit home....creeeepy.....

 

 

 

Meaning of the 1st alphabet of your name(s)

 

Does your name begin with: A

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. You often don't get hints & you ever pass any. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important for you. You tend to be very practical, & not very emotional. Your choices are very good & can only lead to trouble. You are very self satisfied & egoistic.

Does your name begin with: B

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments, and particular when it comes to love. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite & feelings. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

Does your name begin with: C

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to hold out on affection until you receive this. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

Does your name begin with: D

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full Steam ahead in your suit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvements, sometimes possessive and jealous. You are very sharp & talented often with sense of humour. When people bother to look deep inside they cannot resist what they see. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude. You get jealous of other people and lose your temper .

 

Does your name begin with: E

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while-it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. You will fall asleep with a good book. sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book to a lover).

Does your name begin with: F

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find . You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are a favourite fantasy past time. You can be a very generous lover.

 

Does your name begin with: G

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active-never tiring out. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to people.

 

Does your name begin with: H

You seek a mate who can enhance your zest for life, fun & everything you seek for. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. You are very affectionate & very strong. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be very careful with your every move and equally cautious in your involvement's often as you believe that you have to look out for yourself. You are a sensual and patient lover. You will hold off till everything meets your full approval. You are a perfectionist, hard to satisfy and strong in your beliefs. Not influential, you always stand your ground. People can always count on you to stand by them in a crisis. You are a dreamer with/ a passion for life.

Does your name begin with: I

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshiped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You like necking spend hours just touching feeling & exploring. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of expression. You bore easily and thus require adventure and change. Your commitments don't last very long & you often tend to stray. Loyalty is not one of your strong points. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

Does your name begin with: J

You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for a good cause there is nothing to stop you, except maybe that they aren't always used for the good. (you could dance all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game. You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long- distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love. You have a need to be nurtured deep within.

Does your name begin with: K

You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. You are very generous & giving, often selfless. You are kind-natured & sweet, which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.

Does your name begin with: L

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

 

Does your name begin with: M

You may appear innocent, unassuming and shy; but we know that Appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with the whole idea of love. You can be highly critical of you mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers. You are often selfish, thinking you are always right no matter what. You never give in. Winning is your prime desire- at any cost. You often forget friends and family and you live for the moment.

Does your name begin with: N

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all-consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of energy is inexhaustible. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You also enjoy mothering your mate. You often have the greatest love affairs all by yourself, in your head. You are very imaginative.

Does your name begin with: O

You are very interested in fun activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your energy into making money and/or seeking we. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Love is serious business; thus you demand intensity, diversity and is willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

Does your name begin with: P

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or Reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those vibes. You are relatively free of hang- ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Does your name begin with: Q

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people because of their ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

Does your name begin with: R

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is not very important to you. You have to be proved to be worthy for a partner. You have a need to prove yourself the best . You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic.

Does your name begin with: S

For you, it is pleasure before business. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and is capable of much sensuality. But you never loose control of your emotions. Once you make the commitment you stick like glue. You could get jealous and possessive. You tend to be very selfish often regarding yourself as the only human being on the planet. You like being the centre of attention. You are very caring sensitive, private & sometimes very passive, turned on by soft lights, romantic thoughts. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role, or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. You are very generous & giving, often selfless. You are kind nature & sweet which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.

Does your name begin with: T

You are very sensitive, private & sometimes very passive. You like someone who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights & romantic thoughts. You fantasize & tend to fall in & out of love soon. When in love you are romantic, idealistic and extremely mushy. You enjoy having your senses & your feelings stimulated, titillated & teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head. Once you put your mind to something you manage to stand by it and see your dreams through. You aren't very good at expressing your feelings. You l! ike things your own way. You do not like change, you like to hold on to things. This may not always be good because if given an opportunity things may develop into great things. You work your way to the top. Attention must be given to what others say because even though you don't want to hear it their advice may turn out to save your life!

 

Does your name begin with: U

You are enthusiastic & at your happiest when in love. When not in love you're in love with love and always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as challenge. You are a roamer & needs adventure, excitement freedom. You enjoy giving gifts & looking good. You are willing to put others feelings above yours.

 

Does your name begin with: V

You are individualistic & you need freedom, space & excitement. You wait till you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching her/him out. You feel a need to get into his/her head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. You believe that age is no barrier. You are good at responding to danger, fear & suspense.

Does your name begin with: W

You are very proud, determined & refuses to take no for an answer when it come to love. Your ego is at stake all the time. You are romantic, idealistic, often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner for who she or he really is. You feel deeply about love & tends to throw all of your self into a relationship. Nothing is too good for your lover. You like playing love games.

Does your name begin with: X

You need constant stimulation because you get bored quickly. You can handle more than 1 relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You can do 2 things at once. You are very talented.

Does your name begin with: Y

You are sensual & very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships which doesn't work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation. However, if you can make money you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic. 

Does your name begin with:  Z 

You are very interested in fun activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You feel deeply about love and tend to throw all of your self into a relationship. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You like necking spend hours just touching feeling & exploring. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and conversation to turn you on and keep you going. You are willing to experiment.

 

 

Loosing myself....

I need an organiser. I need time out. I need to breath!!

 

I feel overworked. Overwhelmed.

 

I had to cancel three appointments last evening (yes, I somehow thought I could fit in 3 appointments in one evening) because I ended up working really late. So one appointment is set for today lunch (meaning no lunch for me), the other for today evening (meaning my Free-Friday's shot to hell) and the other one is postponed to infinity (meaning I have to create time one day soon to make up for it). Bloody hell, when did I get this busy?

 

And what should/can I do to stop it?

 

I was texting a pal trying to get organised for tomorrow then I realised my schedule is something akin to the following: early morning dash to the salon to get the Thing-That-Once-Was-Hair in some semblance of order and if I am to beat the rush I have to get in early, say 8, 830ish. Meaning getting up one hour earlier. This on a Sato morning. Then mad dash back to the opposite side of town - Westlands - to get my utility bills sorted because next weekend I am.....yep, out of town again - otherwise I will be boiling eggs using the sun. Then meet landlord to sort out my rent. Dash back home to change and get - try getting - all prim and pretty. Print our agenda for meeting (reminder: buy ink cartridge some time before this) and back to town for a meeting at 2pm. Hopefully done by 3pm latest. Dash out whether or not we are done for a wedding somewhere in ngong (hence the primming up) where I am - yes, an usher. A very late one but an usher nonetheless. So, I will be on my feet half the time and all the way till evening. Where again I cannot disappear from the evening do because I was missing from the bridal shower which I'd helped organise because I was in Mara. Almost got eaten alive for that. Hopefully I will be able to get away at a godly hour. Sunday morning expecting a client at 9ish, fundi at 10ish and since I've been out of town, laundry must get done lest I am forced to show up in the office in my knickers (twould do the old geezers at the office some good but not a good idea in this weather). And I have not shopped for so long I borrowed salt from my neighbour this week! So major shopping needs to be worked in there somewhere. Then clande has been on my case recently and after three rainchecks, dude's getting impatient. I can bet I will get a call this Sunday. Now, considering that I need to get kissed before the week is out, I somehow need to fit him in somewhere - I am thinking Sunday afte (reminder: check if I need to shower).

 

So! Where does that leave space for quiet relaxation??? And to think I am single. What happens when people get hitched and babies come along?

 

Phew. I needed that. Maybe if it's down in writting then it will be possible to get it all done.

 

Fat chance.

 

 

I came clean...

Yes I did. I figured it would haunt me for a while if I lied about taking Friday off so I came clean....sort of. And I am glad for it. Because Mara kicked. Plain and simple. And despite the fact that I was in recluse-mode; that's when I do not have the heart to really socialise or make new pals so I have this aloof air all around me. I love to do that sometimes because it allows me to just be. Me, myself, my thoughts and nature. Very calming.

 

But this post aint about Mara - that's one I want to do with pics and all, and I still haven't figured out how to post pics via email. I know, I have so many other posts pending - like Rhino Charge! - I think I am throwing in the towel on those and starting afresh. Clean slate and all.

 

This post is about a discussion I had over the weekend that really boggled my mind. It's about a couple that got married about three years ago - that aint new. It's about a couple that decided to wait till they got married to get intimate - that's not new too. It's about a couple that shared their first, their very first, very very first real kiss at the alter. Now, that knocked me down! What??? Why???

 

Am I overreacting here? I will be the first to confess, and I think I have admitted this before - I enjoy kissing. I adore it. Hell, I think I'd trade an arm for a toe tingling, shivers-down-me-spine, heart thumping, stomach clenching kiss if it was the last thing I'd do before I die. And the mystery of that first kiss? The unknown qualities? Like will he kiss softly, tenderly, like a butterfly. Or a quick peck. Or has he watched too many soaps and will go at it like he's drilling for oil down my throat? Will he tantalise, tease, make me wait almost in agony for that first touch or will he swoop in like a thirsty man for water? Will he cup my face in his hands, tilt my face up, or will he trail his fingers down my spine like Yanni composing another aria. Will he be silent, or will he groan, moan or whisper? Whisper my name? Will he lick my lip, or nibble my lower lip? Yumm yum. I am getting kissed before this week is out! 

 

Anyway, like I was saying....er....yes! To wait to have all those questions answered in the presence of a crowd consisting my parents and his!!! I cannot for the life in me imagine being in a relationship or liking someone or being attracted to someone and never sneaking one minute of heaven! More so because having been there and done that, I know for a fact that there's some out there that almost made me swear off the habit for life! So, why would I wait till after I am tied down for life, literally, to find out if its a sneak peak of heaven or a quick ticket to celibacy. Would you?

 

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Disclaimer: No offence or tribalism intended here! The joke's too funny though....

 

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? 

The kikuyu was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The jang'o was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. 

The kao was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the kiuk and jeng said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the kao if she was going to go with them.
 
"No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!" 

 

 

How do I skive?

I need to disappear this Friday. I am not sure whether I can ask for the day off. I am actually sure there's a 95% chance I will be turned down .

Why? Because I am practically in charge of an entire department right now. Mhmm, come to think of it, I am in charge of one half of the office. Have been since the start of this month with the mdosi off galavanting overseas for his annual leave. It's hard work. It's also uplifting to know I can be entrusted with this level of responsibility.

 

Then it's tiring. I need a break. Ergo (always wanted to use/ misuse that word since The Matrix!) the need to skive. I want to go to Mara this weekend. For the Wild Beeste migration. Only thing is the group leaves town on Friday morning. I am expected in the office on Friday. So far I haven't scheduled any meeting for Friday and I do not intend to for obvious reasons.

 

Only thing is how to get out of coming to the office. I find it hard to lie. Half an hour lie I can hack - full day on a Friday is another story. What excuse should I cook up? There's no way to say I am going on a holiday (much as I really need it).

 

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This is a priceless snap of my feet this past Saturday. I walk into a pals house - remove my shoes and putter all over the place only to realise hours later I had on mismatched socks!!! I thought mismatching socks was a domain left to men? This is proof of my current frame of mind, hence the need to take a break. It is also a test to see if I can post photos on posts done via email.

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An old man and his wife were sitting in bed watching a T.V. evangelist and the evangelist said, "To those of you at home watching if you have any part of your body that causes you discomfort then place one hand on the T.V. and the other on that part of your body"

Well the old woman had been having some troubles with her stomach. So she placed one hand on the T.V and the other on her stomach. She looked at her husband and he had one hand on the T.V and the other down his pants.

She looked at him and said: "My dear he's healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

 

Happy Birthday....

These are the vagrancies of blogging via email. This blog should have appeared last weekend! On Sato in particular!

Oh well, Happy Belated Birthday Baba Boi - you are the greatest. I am sure you had a good one. And it's lovely to have you back home.

Oh, and many many thanks for my new baby! I will take care of her with all the tenderness and love in me...hehehehe

Home Videos

I got this email containing very private home photos of a student at one of the Kenyan Universities in the throes of seducing and posing her "man". The story doing the rounds is apparently that the man in question was jilted and in an act of vengeance, he's decided to humiliate her (what else could it be) by sharing those photos with all and sundry. Basically they are on the web that catches everything, spreads it like a bush fire and never forgets.

 

My first thought was, "This could have been my sister/daughter/cousin/friend!". I guess that's why I immediately deleted them from my inbox and trashbin - I do not want to be part of the chain that's gleefully spreading someone's pain. So, sorry, do not send in requests for forwards tafadhali.

 

Second was, "What the heck was she thinking!!!". Then it hit me, oh yeah. She was in love. What the F#$%#$%@%!@$#!$#@$!$#$K!!!  

 

Third was, "She waxes."

 

Seriously though, when did it become the "in thing" to allow photos as such taken of you. All while you are presumably sober. By someone who you are not married to. Aarrghh! I shudder to think that perhaps he's even shared them in the past with The Boyz but back then it was the Boyz's dirty secret. There's already enough porn in this world to keep him well occupied anyway; why add to his stash. Just how many others have been photographed before? He could easily be sending the snaps to porn sites. It boggles the mind.

 

And when did it become the accepted and manly to humiliate someone you once loved. Honestly methinks it is simply a demonstration of how immature the dude is. I really tried to think of what could have driven him to such extremes and I honestly fail to understand. So he was heartbroken. Bah humbug! Billions of hearts (and pride) have been broken before - and they have proven that they mend. I mean, isn't that the whole point of relationships? That you go in not knowing whether it will really last; that uncertainty is what adds the flavour. So shouldn't you be ready for heart break? 

 

I dont know what to make of this situation. I cannot help but feel sorry for the student - it must be the lowest point of her life.

 

I think I am either a prude or old. I understand carefree sexy posing - hell, I revel in it. But you unleash a camera and the next course of action will be, "To Bobbit or not to Bobbit, that is the question".

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It's been ages since I even shared a joke...and I have plenty. But today it will be a lesson in history. Yep. Giving The Bird 101.

 

The History of the Middle Finger

 

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

 

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

 

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or  pluck yew").

 

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

 

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

 

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Yap, I live

I pinched myself today morning and realised I am still alive. And that a two months have gone by in the blink of an eye since i was last here.

I should get back to normal life. I will, I will, I will, I shall, I shall, I shall.

Modo dearest - I will get back to you on that tag soon. Promise.

Happy Birthday....

to meeeee....
Happy Birthday to meeeee.....
Happy Birthday to Ichiena!
Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

If there's someone who loves their birthday, it's me. Here's to wishing me another good year now that i have twenty-something years under my bulging belt.

And yes, gifts are accepted (I'm shameless!Hihihi!), and I love all kinds. Best gift I ever received was a home-made coupon idea with stuff like, "I'll brush your shoes for a week", "I'll carry your bag to class twice", "Free movie of your choosing", "Full body massage", "A glorious kiss" and such. Dude sat down, wrote this on a fullscap and perforated the edges of each coupon using a pin. A PIN!! I still sigh when I think of it. Second on the list is the silliest package of a piece of thread, (To hold my clothes together (?)), Some gum, (to remain ever sweet), matchstick (to always stay warm). Yes, these kept me mushy I tell ya - but it is no excuse to send me a thong and a note ati "We are tight like a thong"! LOL!

So last year the gifts kept coming even one month after d-day; let's see if this year will beat that one. In other words, just because I meet you on 12th June does not mean it's too late for my gift, haha!

I am happy! Another year down. A good year too. Have met so many lovely people - outside and more so in blogland. And became thongish with some pals; yet lost some. But I am glad to have known all of them - and given them the opportunity to rub shoulders with me (hehehe!). Then it's been a year full of mingi escapades. Been globtrotting as always - Tranquil South Coast, Kissssumu, Kampala and Baringo. Thinking of doing North-Eastern next.

OK, this was supposed to be a short short short post but wapi! So, finally Happy Birthday to me. Many many more to come God-willing. And it has kicked off on a good start with birthday wishes - two of them bloggers!! You know yourselves - thanks for making my night. You're sweethearts haki!

Now, to two jokes that almost got me fired today:
1. Reincarnation
Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Colin, wake up you drunk bastard, you are shitting in the bed!!!"



2. Who's Smarter Now!
Kenyatta, Moi & Kibaki were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals.The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

Kenyatta came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the 10 fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten.''

The first apple went in.... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

Moi arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.1...2...3...4...5...6...7....8...9 but on the tenth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed..

Kenyatta and Moi met in heaven and Kenyatta asked Moi, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

Moi replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Kibaki coming with pineapples ".

Tagged again....

So Mocha in all her wisdom decided to tag me. I didn’t do a podcast but came close. Be warned though. Feel free to watch subject to the following disclaimers:

- You may be traumatized by the sight of certain body parts.
- Any reference to my accent (or lack thereof, LOL) and you are dead to me!
- It is incomplete – I ran out of memory (phone and my brain).
- For the avoidance of doubt, the resulting tagees are Spidey, Archer, Wanja Kihii, Unyc, Milo and Bants. And I wanted to throw in a wild card who’s quite the interesting chap and that’s you Kirima. A podcast on 5 reasons why you blog my dears.



Otherwise, I was home over the weekend – home is where my parents are at, in Ngong that is. Nice. Pretty nice. And I got this pic – true Kenyanism, don’t you think?


Home was quite the change from the noisy hustle and bustle of Nairobi life – so peaceful and you actually wake up to the sound of chirping birds and bleating goats. Then I strongly suspect I put on some weight. What is it with mothers and their crusade to feed their kids to explosion. And it’s not just your mother or mine, but all mothers. Actually, most women over 50 seem to be on the same wavelength. They were all ultrathin during their time and now they are trying to fatten us! Anyway, if you think people who are overweight have a problem, then you need to talk to those who never seem to put on weight. There’s nothing as annoying as always being treated like an invalid simply because you are not of the “desired weight” which if my female relatives had their way I’d be 70Kgs and/or over (I’m picturing a honeymoon gone bad after Mr. Ichiena breaks his back carrying me). Never you mind that I am not emaciated or teetering on verge of collapse; or that this has been my constant weight for some years now; or that no doctor has ever raised any concern over my weight. I love my body as is but once in a while I get doubtful due to external criticism. And these can make or break up a person. Really. Having grown up surrounded by beautiful siblings who were constantly being praised by everyone around, I grew up without any confidence in my physical self; the single-minded belief that I was ugly. It seemed to me that whenever anyone commented on my body it was to make fun of my gangly frame (and I was) or criticize my unfeminine self – anything but rarely positive. The positive praise was my brain. I figured that’s why I fared ok in school – I had something to prove, you know.

I eventually grew out of the low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder whether that was the reason for my number 7 (Which raised surprising theories to which the answer, for the record, is no. I love Dick too much). Anyway, the growing pains were an important lesson – unless you have constructive criticism, don’t.

And before I forget, for those clamoring for UG pics, bad news. I rely on a ten year old hand-me-down camera from dad and half my roll got burnt. Yes, I am over it. Nevertheless, long post coming up (dear-Lord-help-me). Good thing is that there are photos on this link. Let's see who amongst you can figure out who I am. Spot Ichiena and there may be a prize in it! Of course if you know what I look like, you are automatically disqualified - unless you are misleading the rest...hehehe.

So, I got back to work today and I am still amazed that I have managed to do this post. I am dying in the office. Have heaps of files threatening to topple over and clients breathing fire. But good news - got a surprise pay rise!!! Not as good as I had hoped so I still hope to get it increased.

And finally (wa! - a short post threatening to get long), looking forward to the holiday weekend. Rhino Charge here we come! What will you be up to?

Aaaand PHEW - WHY MEN'S PROBLEMS ARE RARELY PUBLISHED IN THE "DEAR AMANI COLUMN"!

Dear Amani,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot lately although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I hear a car driving off, as if she was dropped off round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi. I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and to stop checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. Perhaps deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I made up my mind to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Do you think this is something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Deeply Distressed Husband