Monday, September 24, 2007

Confused

Thoughts flying through my head. All over. Not making any sense. Thinking this, thinking that, thinking neither.
 
I want to trust you.
I want to trust you so bad. But then, how do I trust? Are you showing me who you really are? Am I expecting too much from you? Are you right in saying you shouldn't have to cultivate my trust. Should I know whether or not I trust you - how does someone know? Why is it that I trust T without having to think about it. Why cant I take you for who you are? Can I live with that or will it eat me alive?
 
I love your sense of humour.
Yes I do - though your timing is sometimes questionable. I love the way you smile. I like that you smile because of something I say. I like that you like my smile. I like that you think I'm attractive. I like you. I think that I am scared to delve deeper because I might like you even more. I think I want to like you more.
 
You infuriate me.
You have the ability of driving me nuts to the point of distraction. There are days I could strangle you - literally - given the chance. There are days I swear never to talk to you, discuss you or think about you - ever. But you also have the ability of bringing out my forgiving and forgetting side. I let you off real easy, you know I do. In you I have discovered I can be extremely patient.
 
You consume me.
I long for you when you are not around. I yearn to be with you, to do things with you, to do things to you. Then when you are finally here I get all shy and gawky. I lack the words to say what I feel. I feel unable to express myself physically. Something holds me back. Is it fear of the unknown? Is it fear of inadequacy? Am I too comfortable where I am? I am outgrowing my comfort zone. I have worn it like a cloak for so long, I think I have forgotten how to get out of it. Am I really ready to step out finally - throw caution to the wind, let go and let you lead me where you want us to go. If I jump will you jump with me; will you wait while I catch my breath?
 
You inspire me.
You make me see me in a different light. In a better light. You inspire me to better myself. You inspire me to have confidence in myself. You inspire me to take actions that I otherwise wouldn't have. Could you actually be good for me?
 
Thoughts flying through my head. All over. Not making any sense. Thinking this, thinking that, thinking neither.

12 comments:

farmgal said...

Is ichiena in love?

Bomseh said...

And who is the lucky guy?

thrretypesofcrazy said...

I know there are many questions.......... and they don't need answering. The post was lovely.

egm said...

As 3ToC says, some questions are probably best asked and not answered. Just voicing them is enough, I guess!

All the best with this thinking!

kip said...

kweli mama ameangukia mzee.

Ichiena said...

@Farmgal: Having never been "in love" Ichiena does not know.

@Bomseh: Is he really lucky, that is the question.

@3ToC: The post was WAS lovely. Damn! I do have feelings.

@Baba Boi: Wassuuuup.

@Kip: More like venye shosho ameangukia gukaa, heheheeee.

WanjaKihii said...

Wish i had made a bet with you once on a october day, i would be rich.Do i need to add "i told you so?" ....tihihih more power to Bata bullet.

Ichiena said...

@Wanja: Can you stop chortling, nasty you. Chidwe!

Kirima said...

Lovely post!

Antoine said...

It is mi first time here and it is lovely post, it brings back a bagful of sweet memories too. No doubt love is in the air!

Don_quixote said...

Is it too late me wonders to be filled in, and to wish thee and your family a Merry xmass and a Happy new year? if flogging is required this blogger asks that you be gentle with her also she would like to state right now that although people might read this wrong, she woudl be preffer to be spanked.

Disco muthenya said...

i realise its late in the game but dem, you just took the words right out of my heart!im in the same situation now and im slowly but surely freaking out.Did you figure it out?what happened?does it get better or worse?help?