Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Here's Looking At The Bright Side

I have a lot to be thankful for because it surely cannot get any worse….

1. I bumped into Arrrrggghh over the weekend. It was inevitable but twice in one day? Yes, twice. First time he didn’t see me so I didn’t bother – I broke into a cold sweat and furiously walked on. Second time, being two hours or so later (how do you manage not to bump into someone for over three months and then when you finally do it happens twice in one day??), there was no escaping. I restrained myself from wringing his neck (to begin with...) and so I passed the opportunity to lodge at Kamiti Maximum Prison.

Thankfully, he got out of his car to hug me and was met with an outstretched hand and cordial smile. He probably expected a war cry and a panga so Ichiena working 3Ps - prim, proper and pleasant was a triumph. Small triumph I know but still - triumph.

2. I got new clad. I washed them. One of them had other ideas and decided to copulate/share. So, viola – all my new clad is now tie and dye. In pink angry splotches.

Thankfully I needed new floor rugs.

3. I got up on Monday morning and for a moment I mistakenly believe that I must be dreaming – what’s that sloshing wavelike sound I hear? Why’s the carpet a darker shade than usual? Why does the floor feel wet? My sis left the kitchen tap on (remind me again why I should not throw her out?) I have wall to wall carpeting – yes. Not to forget several other area rugs. Let that sink in. And, yes, the entire house was flooded. Half an inch of water everywhere. Let me just explain what cleaning up entailed – dragging out all earthly belongings and then a dripping impossibly heavy wall-to-wall aint no joke. Underneath it is pvc which was at that time afloat. And underneath that is red oxide floor that has been soaked. Everything water splashed on turned blood red in an instant. I had to call in late at the office meaning more work pileup when I finally got in. My back hurt, my hands hurt, everything hurt. Oh, and this is the time the siblings chose to believe it's my house - I deal with it. They all suddenly had things to do like work/school/rave/taking the dog for a walk/flight to the moon....

Thankfully, the house was due for a thorough cleaning. Thankfully, there’s no stench. Thankfully the kombamwikos have moved out in protest.

4. Got into the office at 10.30am. Worked like crazy. I kicked off by running printed copies of completion documents for a meeting scheduled for noon. Then I get the call. The client decided they wanted to go with Plan B on the transaction. So all the time put into preparing and finalising the documents for Plan A (and I did this over my weekend break), was all for naught.

Thankfully I was running out of draft paper. Thankfully I am paid by the hour.

5. Quick dash home over my lunch break to grab a bite and to make sure the house hadn’t burnt down going by my track record thus far. My phone fell into a bucket of water. It’s dead. Hence the undercover – I have no access to phone numbers. I need to have it seen by a fundi or something soonest. It’s going to cost me. I don’t know if it will work again. All my contacts are saved on the handset.

Thankfully, I have been considering getting another handset. Thankfully, I now have a perfect excuse for not returning calls, missing texts, skipping meetings, being late, forgetting birthdays, not brushing my teeth…

6. They say bad things happen in three. And so they did to me. In two sets of threes. The last straw was when another virus invaded my atmosphere. Irritated me for two long hours.

I am still thankful nevertheless. Thankful that at number 6, the bad streak must now be over. Thankful that, despite the thao horrors of surfing, I still come across gems like the one below to make me smile.

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read:

'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' "

The case was dismissed.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Landscaping decisions

This post has been shamelessly inspired by Milo’s. Yes, I am completely unoriginal – sue me.

N’ways, reading about bolingos being coochied threw me to the other side of the coin – the bolingolette, if you may. This piece of biology probably resulted in the first case of someone humming, “My My My Ma Ma Myyyyyyyyyy” – no wait. That was Johnny Gill. I meant shouting “LordGodAlmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty!!!!!!!!!”. Whether in pain or in pleasure is a story for another day.

Now, bolingolette is a loner and prone to boredom. She needs entertainment, nay, she demands it. She has an entire fan club whose members salute the very thought of her.

But even of more importance, she needs a nice secure welcoming home. This is clearly a case where you need to judge a book by its cover. Overgrown weedy compounds, though once the norm – before the Great Rift Valley that is – are no longer acceptable. Due to many painful, surprising, shocking, horrific lessons from the past, it is now generally expected that all compounds will be neat and kept trim. The decision on how high to let the weeds grow came about after cases of:


Rodents! Auuuuuuu! No amount of ratkill, doom or even the Pied Piper can get rid of the little crits. Of all the plagues known to man, the Great Plague of NaHuKos is the worst, so fatal it is that not only can it wipe out entire generations before they are conceived, but it is said that it also leads to the unwarranted fasts forcing some landlords to resort to DIY and you know females are still trying to figure out which end of a hammer goes into the socket.

And can you picture this: bolingolette and member enjoying a lovely afternoon chat. Getting on like a house on fire and suddenly member starts scratching like he’s on fire???

It aint rugby

Yes, landlords have regretfully learnt that a majority of bolingolette’s club members get grass burns from rugby and rugby alone. A stroll through bolingolette’s compound should be no reason, or opportunity, to think of a man’s locker room. The very sight of foliage may induce such images in a member’s mind, more often resulting flu-like symptoms such as droopiness, the shakes and even shriveling. Unless it is one day discovered that the weed is of economic value, i.e. it can be harvested, exported and smoked, the grass has to go.

Treasure hunts

Many a treasure hunt has been abandoned for the lack of a map – which is what you would need if you were on a sojourn through the wilderness. The search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow – scratchy though the ride may be – need not read like a safari through the jungle. A fan can only endure so many grazes and scratches. Which leads me to the next scenario.

Blind man’s buff

When things are thick and thicketed lost members have been known to take desperate measures. Not one to stop and ask for directions, or God forbid, confirm that they are lost. Like using the back door. Auuuuuuuuu!

And so we live in an era of trimmed lawns.


"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at my patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I am so so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise this will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

To which the patient replied...

"It is swollen,"


Overheard at the ongoing WSF:

“We are not even agitating for legalization of gay unions yet. It’s not time for that. What we would really like is a consideration in the budget reading – just like they give to those living with AIDS. The government should seriously consider lowering the price of lubricants….”


Pick – up line: I’ll be Osama. You be a cave. Let me hide inside you.

Mchongoano: “I ain’t fat! Hell no.” Indicating his girth. “This is my d**k wrapped around me.”

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Of resolutions

I finally got off my lazy rump and realised why I was scared of making resolutions this year. I have done it all before and failed miserably (clarification, I was not actually miserable, the failure was). So, this year, I am determined to succeed. What better way than making resolutions which I am sure I will succeed at!

Here goes:

  1. I will not buy gifts for anyone this year, or remember holidays, birthdays, weddings, valentines and the like. In fact, like I said before - yes Mocha! I repeat - Happy New Year, Happy Valentines, Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Good Morning X 365 days, Good Afternoon X 365 days, Good Night X 365 days, I don’t have money X 365 days, and Merry Christmas. I am done with you for 2007!
  2. I will watch my weight - yes. I know I can watch mine. Grow.
  3. I will try hard to figure out my boss’s patience threshold. This will be accomplished by not meeting deadlines, regular tardiness, power naps in the office, hawking eggs in the office and the like. If I get fired, almost fired, warning letters - I will know.
  4. I will become a Take-Out connoisseur. Steers, Nandos here I come - no, scratch that. Come to me.
  5. I will help the world by conducting a detailed and practical study on child-labour to figure our the root cause and the effects. The siblings have acquiesced, acceded, obliged and consented to be the guinea pigs.
  6. I will save. No buying books, newspapers, magazines - the local vendor’s stand will suffice. Oh, and no buying phone credit so if I dont call, sms, email you know it's for a worthy cause. Alternively, I will call from the office, which should help with 3 above.
  7. I will learn all the functions on the TV remote, the VCR remote, the DVD remote, the DSTV remote, the PVR remote and the ….
  8. I will remember to give thanks for my friends. Particularly those who make me feel pampered, satisfied, happy, spoilt, rich and retired.
  9. I will be a better friend - always there for my friends. And what better way than spending quality time together. Call me (I am saving airtime) we confirm which month of the year I will be spending at your place.
  10. I intend to be social. I should be in a position to make intelligent conversations with everyone at all levels of sobreity or lack thereof. Thus, I will learn the taste, feel, texture of all alcoholic drinks known to man.

Really, can I fail?


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Blog Justice

"….No!" EGM guffawed. "No Don Q – you haven't heard half the story. I tell you, there is more to that story. After the meet up and all the hullabaloo the post on that caused, it all spiraled out of control and Aegeus was brought to justice. The Ichiena way!"

It's now Don Q's turn to look shocked, "Ati brought to justice! Really EGM! Surely you exaggerate. What's your source anyway?"

"I am the source. I was there. And you could say I was a star witness! And I have the photos to prove it too."

"For real! Do tell. I am all ears."

EGM starts fidgeting with his white bow-tie (it turns out that white bow-ties are his specialty after all). "Aaaah, Don. It's a rather long story. And I don't have the ti-"

Don Q jumps in, "There'll be strawberry crepes in it for you!"

At which EGM immediately responds, "Now why didn't you say that from the start! OK, let's see…. it's really funny actually – that Aegeus. He was actually trying to protect sensibilities of others. For example, Gishungwa was not knitting a bottle warmer – the size of that thing! I think it was a kibuyu warmer – you know for her kibuyu of muratina?"

Don Q starts jumping up and down, quite the feat too, "Well, get on with it!" By now, everyone in (restaurant's name) is miserably failing at pretending not to eavesdrop. Don does not give a hoot. EGM just wants his strawberry crepes. Seeing that he has the entire restaurant enthralled, he booms out (no-one's about to complain anyway).

"You are correct up until the meet up of 31st December with some kidogo variations. I mean of course it's common knowledge that EGM stands for Every Gals Man – ignore the Extreme Genital Mutilation bit. I use that when I am undercover, 006 and all, but that's a story for another day." Before Don Q can interrupt, EGM hurriedly continues, "Apparently, Aegeus misled everyone into believing Ichiena was waiting for him home – the term Ichiena used was allegedly waiting. She insisted that it was all……

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

This is a first...

It’s 3rd January 2007. I am back at work. And I have sorted out my files – ready to get started. My stationary’s back where it should be. My bring ups are ok. 2007 calendar where it should be.

But there’s one missing. My Resolutions. I always have my resolutions up by this time. This once though I don’t have them. 1st is usually spent contemplating the year ahead and I am always upbeat about it. I make new resolutions gleefully, full of optimism – after all it is a new year!

I have actually been making them – small ones. Might even be deemed insignificant. But I have not WRITTEN them down. I always write them down. I carry them with me everywhere. A reminder of where I would like to be on 1st January 2008.

Perhaps with the passing of yet another year makes it all seem pointless? I cannot help but feel I am at the same place I was on 1st January 2006. As I go through the modalities of getting back on the saddle of normal life, I cannot help but feel bleak. So it’s 2007 – so what!! I will probably do the same stuff over and over again – make friends, part ways with some friends (perhaps it’s not all bleak after all…..hehehehe), be even more outgoing, less outgoing with others, work hard, be lazy……

I am afraid to grow?


This seems apt for today - Depreciation in the Working Environment!

Monday, January 01, 2007

A 'Tatolic Holiday

So, I go home for the holidays thinking, time to bond with the family, catch up and talk about the good times....right?


Christmas Eve was spent thus:
Dad and brothers - watching 24, season 2 (mind you they have watched mpaka season 5)
Sis 1 - watching Lost
Sis 2 - watching Prison Break
The only tato-free ones were mum and I bonding till 4am in the morning. All the rest slept at 5am. And even in her case, she disappoints! This week, she got caught up in 24-Mania and ended up missing church the next day!

The only interruption was Christmas Lunch, if you can call it thus since it was so late it could have been Christmas Dinner - I settle for Christmas Dinch.

I am officially abandoning my family. Tato - feel free to take up my slot.

Today I took the first opportunity and bailed! Now sitting quietly in my space. Thinking about the year that was. Good year too, many good things happened including me joining the blogworld. And because of that I made many lovely friends, two of whom I have since met, egm and tato. Two opposites and both quite something. Hope to meet more in 07.


Happy New Year y'all (For the last time, phew!). Speaking of which, I received some gems this holiday from people who know my sense of humour:

3. HNY! (Laziness in action, lol)

2. Happy Christmas and a Merry Year New - no, wait...Merry Happy and New Chris - no, that's not it...Happy Year and Christmas Merry New -arghh!Christmas New and a Merry Happy Year - WTF! You know what I mean...hehehe....Enjoy.

1. Might as well get this done now - Happy New Year, Happy Valentines, Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Good Morning X 365 days, Good Afternoon X 365 days, Good Night X 365 days, I dont have money X 365 days, and Merry Christmas. I am done with you for 2007!


Ok! Ok! I confess.

I watched a movie at the cinemas or at home for every single day I was on leave!

Yes egm - that is when I was not shopping, hehehe. There! I said it. Now let me be....