Nasty

After all the "new posts" I have attempted to put up recently, I have given up on doing any.

But today I got blogmojo from the most unexpected quarters. A big fat lip. And no, that is not a metaphore - in fact, here's a pic of the lip (taken by an ameature camera).



I woke up today with a big fat lip. I got up and went to the bathroom and burst out laughing. Laughing because I kept thinking up stuff like - my lips look like they were stung by a bee; like a liposuction gone bad; hell, like the sort a plastic surgeon would advice that I consider shifting fat from my lips to my hips! And I laughed because life's been so nasty lately, I have no more energy to get depressed. And just like I said once upon a time, I have to look at the bright side of life, so:

1. It was a good thing the office server crashed for a week and we were out of commission and living like neanderthals because i discovered that the grey funny looking thinga-majiga next to the photocopier in the store is a working typewriter - who knew!!

2. And while still on that, I learnt to talk in a pleasant voice through ground teeth and proved once for all that I have no need to richen some dentist because my teeth will probably survive a nuclear attack.

3.It was a good thing I got a strange case of "It comes from the bowels, like a bullet from a gun!" which meant a visit to the doc, prescription medicine and viola! A new untested and undiscovered and, I bet, futuristic rash. Caused by the medication. All good because there's a lot of cash to be made from getting an antidote?

4.And, come on, my flash disk crashing, with 1 GB or 4months worth of data, and on Friday the 13th. Honestly - that was just Godsent, ama? It got me organised finally. I managed to delete all 25 duplicates of the same documents which were clogging my harddrive.

5. And about the same time, my internet link went AWOL so I figured it was a good time for me to clean up the hard drive after all the procrastination. So like a bright gal I thought I was, I saddled up the laptop and went off to a Java. Settled in and started digging through the mountain of emails. But then - "Low Battery" and I thought, not to worry. Simply get out my electric cable and get back to work. But wait a minute! That aint my laptop's cable. Smart me had picked up the wrong cable. And no amount of cursing, whining, twisting, praying or crying could magically turn up the correct cable. But at least I managed to get a good breakfast.

6. So it finally sunk in and I took myself to a bureau. Good thing I have a memory stick that can double up as a flash disk. Got settled again, logged in and started going through the emails. Then. Black out. Good thing it happened because I realised I can shout "Fukc" loud and clear in public.

7. Then of course while all this was going on, I decided I had had enough and had to go and get something for the futuristic rash. Went to the doctor who prescribed more medication. The result being me up at 3am in the morning. Seated on my bed. Diligently scrubbing away at both my feet with the foot scrub. What's the good side of this you ask? Well, I managed to catch up on some reading which i had been putting off forever.

8. But the best was waking up today morning and seeing the above on my face. In addition to the itchy feet (yeah yeah....itchy Ichiena....very funny), I got a swollen lip. Two swollen lips. Two swollen lips with feet. Two swollen lips with feet about to walk all over my face. So, the good thing about this is that i was able to laugh about it. And i was able to write about it.

And that's looking at the bright side of life. There's always something to laugh about.....

The Blonde
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


SCIENTIFIC STUDY:
A leading South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study that has been published in a leading scientific journal in the US, has discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late ...


Same Difference
A Chinese went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, My dad perished in that bombing!". "I am not Japanese. I am Chinese!". "Yeah yeah yeah..... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, You are all the same." Retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later the Chinese turned round, and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor. "What was that for?", exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the 'Titanic'. I had ancestors on that ship!", the Chinese replied. "You ignorant man, Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!", shouted the director. "Yeah yeah yeah.....Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg...you are all the
same!!".


Father John
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"