Quick Guide Needed: How To Start A Fire...

...with sticks. A very fast and short lesson, preferably within the hour would be appreciated. All I can figure is that the sticks should be dry. Help me.

Yaani, this is a post on the run because it's a cry for help. The siblings went home so I got the opportunity to clean up. I have just completed first half of "Spring Cleaning", next half due after 26th. So I am packing up for the long trip home and I get an "urgent" text. That I should carry a matchbox home.

Eeek!

There is no kiosk where i stay. And being a Sunday, tough luck in getting one open anywhere. The only option is supermarkets. Now, I was there yesterday and it is an experience I never ever ever ever want to repeat. It's Christmas y'all and everyone is shopping. Entire families are shopping. Even pets are shopping. The queues. They are so long they should be called queueueues.

So, I am stuck. They need a matchbox. Now way am I going back into a supermarket. Like i said, Quick Guide Needed: How to start a fire with sticks.

Merry Christmas to you all and take a minute, an hour, a day and MAKE it merry for someone who needs it more.

Be safe whatever you do.

Jigging: "Twisting, jumping, squatting, shaking, "

Oooops! Caught again. Sorry - no....no! Wait. I can explain.

There IS a perfectly good explanation. I give you my word.

Look. At least let me explain, ok?

Thanks you. I'm sure it will all make sense.

Well, see the thing is...erm. I am happy. I am so happy excited elated exhilerated -I couldn't help myself. What you just saw was me expressing my joy - I had to dance (and this is no time to start pointing out ati I cannot dance!). I just got carried away.

Yes, I am sorry. I did not know I was shouting as well.

And I am indeed sorry. I may never do it in the office again.

And yes, I am sorry about the PC. I really didnt think it would break if I kicked it, after all it was all in the moment.

*************************************************************************************

People, the Holidays are upon us! I funga kazi today! (Not tomorrow, or the day after, or at 6pm, 7pm...naaaw). Today 5pm I cover that PC and I am gone for a two week break! No more ungrateful bosses! No more impossible deadlines! No more waking up at 7am! No more brain wracking sessions. No more annoying clueless clients (I'm humming No more shopping sprees). It is over and out!

So with that, er...
Happy Christmas and a Merry Year New - no, wait...
Merry Happy and New Chris - no, that's not it...
Happy Year and Christmas Merry New -arghh!
Christmas New and a Merry Happy Year -
WTF! You know what I mean...hehehe....Enjoy.

_____________________________________________________

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my
wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! "

Mind your language

I was reading egm's post earlier and it reminded me of something I received from a friend some time back. Me thinks that our English is caliberated - question is, however, what reference standard are we using?

Mujienjoy!

Temple, Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Restaurant, Nairobi:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

Athi River Highway, Nairobi:
Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Restaurant, Mombasa
Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Hotel Rules and Regulations, Tokyo:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviour in bed.

Menu, Swiss Restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Bar, Tokyo
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Hotel Lobby, Moscow:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Donkey ride ad, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Laundry, Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

And my favourite:
Poster, Nairobi:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.

(As an unauthorised aside - i loved that programme, Mind Your Language even when KBC did reruns about a year ago it was all still fresh.)

AAAAaaaaaarghhhhhhh

Hell hath no fury like Ichiena pissed.

I consider myself a liberal chick. And I tend to be a good judge of character, at least that’s what I’ve always thought. I avoid entanglements – relationships have naturally been a no-go-zone.

I aint no saint. A gal needs to feel loved once in a while – a gal wants that human touch that no gadget ever invented or amount of chocolate can satisfy. But I aint no hoe either.

I am straight-up. I put my cards on the table and it is usually a take it or leave it deal, with room for negotiation if need be. After that, I expect maturity, proper manners and even good relations if need be because that’s what I give back. I do not nag. I do not cling. Granted, I may dream within but I do not put those dreams into action.

Which is why I am so pissed! He sought me out. Almost a full year after I first met him. I never prompted him – didn’t even see it coming. At all. And being me, I thought, what the heck – it’s been a while, he’s over 21 I am over 21. What harm can it do, right?

WRONG! OH SOOOOO WRONG!

I did not call or even try to get in touch for over a month after. And vice versa. I didn’t think anything of it. After all I had made my stand quite clear. Now, unfortunately, I have to deal with him once in a while to get stuff moving. And he’s giving me the “I’m busy!” routine. The very last thing I expected from him. Irony is I ain’t looking for Round 2!! I am forced to get him to do stuff through third parties – I kid you not.

I am sorely tempted to send him a tongue in cheek text and tell him he can relax – I am not about to drop a baby on him, unless there was a second immaculate conception!!

%^##%$@$%^%@#$@#

Someone remind me again why I am being harassed to hook up and get married if these are the characters out there?

I think this one is apt for today:



MEN: Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?

WOMEN: Why get a whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?

yyyyaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWN!

Heh! *Scratching balls* No, wait.

That's wrong, i didn't have those last month. Let's do this again...

yyyyaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWN!

Heh! *rubbing eyes*

It's been that long? I love my sleep and then since it's Dec and we need to get into party mode, i needed my rest.

OK, i have lied. I have had some major masahibus - el nino aside. I figured:

1. Neighbour decided t'was time for spring cleaning and figured the easiest way to clean the wall to wall was soak it. in situ!
2. Neighbour wanted to confirm whether the internet router is waterproof.
3. Neighbour was too high to figure whether taps are closed clockwise or anticlockwise.

Conclusion:
Taps left on+House flooded+Router flooded+Wireless Access Point flooded= No internet!

Lakini now we are back, up and running. Asante to those who sent concerned emails and no - you know who you are - you are not inheriting anything in case i am dead because i am not.

So, in my usual lazy fashion:

Another Chicken Joke

A chicken farmer went to a local tavern, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"



(Oh, if you are wondering, an internet router is NOT waterproof).