What could possibly be worse than....

.....having your molar pulled out by a female dentist suffering from PMS?

A wedding. Yep. A wedding, that's what. Especially if you are female. Especially if it's the wedding of a female related to you because your great great great great great grand father and her's wore the same akalas. Especially if her relatives and yours are one and the same. Especially if she is younger than you by a number of years. Especially if you are attending such real or imagined wedding on your own (your handbag or cellphone or sister, cousin, brother, gardener does not count). Especially if you have not stated, are in no danger of stating, might never state the words "I do" while holding someone's hand up in the air (what's up with that?). Especially if all other females in attendance born cirka your year of birth all come endowed with a requisite accessory - a man (qualities are not an issue here. He comes with three legs and you are through).

Oh, there's nothing worse. Yet, while armed with this information, I dared tread where no single woman over 20 should dare venture. Everything was criticised from my bony shoulderblades, my hips or lack thereof, my long claws, my strawlike nywele, my corny feet, my bad skin....and this was before I got to the ceremony! Phew. Talk about being hang to dry. All the "aunts" suddenly become chummy and the entire event becomes Operation-Get-Ichiena-Married. Imagine an aunt popping up with a dude in tow and insisting on introducing you, "Yes, this is Ichiena..mhmmm! She's a qualified XXYY. Goes to church at ABCD. Works for 456." I had an experience where a pals mum came to my office - my office! - with her nephew in tow and insisted that we exchange numbers and promise to call one another. I kid you not. Of course, i always think, if dude is spineless enough to warrant an introduction through an aunt will there be a stiff bone on him?

Anyway, I cut the nonsense short by telling one of the "aunts", who I am certain acquired this title just for this occassion, that I love paka. Now, as to how fast this will get back to my mother.....

In conclusion - anyone i can hire for the next wedding? Males need not apply!


And since this was a wedding post, here are some wedding jokes...hehehe.

The Honeymooners
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

Ten Husbands, Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Oh, and finally, I passed by the castle and those pick-up lines reminded me of these put-down ones:

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?