Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Continuation...

So here I was, spending a quiet Saturday afternoon at home. It's raining, I am in bed, under layers and layers of blankets. Fast asleep. Then someone is papasaing me and shaking me awake. I fight through the fog of sleep and wake up to see Wanja the Kihii! What if I had been in the middle of a dream induced by my last post and smacked her one? That reminds me a story from high school...let me digress actually.

I used to be in this school with long corridors. And when the bell rang, chicks would run helter skelter along those corridors to get to class. Quiet a number of accidents happened on those corridors. And the teachers were not spared either. And one particular one (we called him MaTeeth (students are cruel!)) shared his traumatising experience with generations of chicks, me included. It went thus:

It happened one hot afternoon. No one wanted to get back to class...the heatwave made learning the last thing on ones mind. And so when the 2.00pm bell rang, it was like trying to get Ichiena to blog - no syke whatsoever. But then MaTeeth appeared in the corridor and the gals all realised they would be in deep shaite. So the marathons begun. But of course, while the lighter ones were quick and agile, the heavier ones were not so lucky. Two "bodies" running from opposite ends of a corridor, gasping, panting for breath and all their wits gone because they had spotted MaTeeth. Running at full speed - if you can call it that. So Mateeth looks North and she's lumbering towards him like a runaway lorry. He looks South and you'd think there were banshees from hell chasing after her. Lumbering. Banshees. Lumbering. Banshees. Lumberiiiiing! Bansheeeessssss!

And it was more than a kiss!

The end.

Whenever I meet MaTeeth in town I still remember that story. MaTeeth is the same one who used to tell us whenever we dozed, which was often; "Wake up you! I will throw you out of the window and your breasts will come flapping after you!"

Ha. Ok. Now I have written more than I intended and someone is hounding me for the lap---Wanjaaaaa! Ok, I am getting off. You Kihii!

And as always, a joke for today:

Ichiena goes to a bar in London.

A man to Ichiena's left tells the Bartender,"


And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Ichiena and asks," AND YOU, MADAM?"

Ichiena replies: "ICHIENA KAMAU, MARRIED."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Does it really matter?

I read Archer's post earlier and the part on jualas took me down memory lane.

Buying contraceptives - the female perspective.

Scenario 1: After an afternoon in the pool, the gals are in the changing room and someone notices that another has a scar under her left arm. She claims its Nairobi fly - what happened to those things. We later realised that it was the scar left by a norplant (Sp?).

Scenario 2: I remember back in the days I would be walking along a relatively busy street somewhere in Nairobi with a pal, we are chatting amiably as we go along and suddenly I would realise I was talking to myself. My pal would have disappeared into a chemist and by the time I joined them at the counter they would be getting their change and whatever it is they ordered would be in their bags. It took me a while to catch on that they were buying contraceptives - actually several monthly soujourns before the light bulb flashed (thick!).

Scenario 3: This same pal (she had an active sex life) later narrated an interesting experience. (This after she realised the cloak and dagger stunts were lost on me). She went to this chemist to buy supplies and it took her one hour, the end of which she came out with nothing. Apparently, the pharmacist took it upon herself to offer free sex education, lectured her on adultery, fornication, pregnancy, STDs and would up by saying she cannot honestly sell contraceptives to someone who's still so young and not married. Suffice it to say my pal listened patiently, walked out and changed pharmacists that very day. Life goes on.

Conclusion: Ichiena (a) has lived a sheltered life on Venus (b) is as thick as two planks (c) is a hermaphrodite (d) all of the above.

But point, or the question, is, why all the hiding, secrecy, intrigue? We are in the 21st century after all. Does it matter what you are doing with your sex life? Are we embarrassed, ashamed, scared, secretive and if so, why? Yet again, how many people come out and shout "I'm a virgin!" - it's actually a no no to say it. Everyone looks at you like you have grown another head, you are an oddity or you are the world's biggest liar. And bottom line, does it really matter?

I need to go sleep.


PS: My editing tools have still not resurfaced. I only have bold, italics, link and insert photo. Somebody. Help. Me?


The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People! This is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

When will Dec get here?

It is warm - cold.
It is raining.
It is wet.
I wish i was a mosquito -
Their sex lives is at an all time high.
I became the feeding ground of several mosquitolettes.
I have malaria to prove it.
I am sick.

When will the weekend get here?
When will Dec get here?

Old Wedding

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it
was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and
had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would
like it infrequently.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his
glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or
two words?"

Friday, November 03, 2006

Rain = Holiday = Reality Show = Landscaping Tips

It rained this week. Yep. You see for me that is an event. A major one. Come to think of it, it has always been.Basically because rain is good, rain is nourishing. And then some.

When I was in primary just a couple of years back (yes - a COUPLE), the rain meant impromptu vacation - what else would you call a period in your life where you get to show off you new weather-dependent (orange boots and red jacket), go swimming (impromptu swimming holes/pot pools), fishing (tadpoles in the backyard) and hiking (the trip to school suddenly took 1 hour instead of 15 minutes because the circuitious(is that a word) route you had to take). Rain = Holiday.

Several years later and rain had me perfecting Complete Makeovers even before the advent of all those reality shows. I literally pulled a Superman in the matt. See, home then was in the bunduz so I leave town and enter a matt in clear office gear - power suit complete with heels. I get to my destination and alight a nyanye (lesso around the waist - check, shower cap on head (I confess!!) - check, gum boots on - check, valuables in big black trusty leak proof uchumi paper bag - check, paper bag draped over hunched shoulders - check and finally blanketi shawl around the shoulder - check). Rain = Reality show.

Fast forward to present time and now the rain practically changes my digz into beachfront property. You read right. I get up to go to work (which is practically ten minutes away - yes you can take a minute to envy me (yet I am usually late!). Done? Sawa, where were we? Uhmmm...yeah). A night of rain and the road has disappears and in its place there's a seething river complete with crocodiles (Sawa! I lie! but it's close). The ten minute walk becomes half an hour. (And that's only if it is not raining at the time. Once I stood across a road for over an hour waiting to cross to my digz! Only in Kenya.) I have to walk down the road in order to get to a place shallow enough to cross to the other side, then walk back up the road, past my digz, cross back again and get to the office. This of course is because the drains stopped existing several years back (what happened to the El nino fund?). Rain = Landscaping Tips

(PS: The gumboots still come in handy. You walk in town one day and see a fully suited mama - power suit with gumboots, stop and say hi to Ichiena).

Now, onto totally unrelated matters. I stay away for a day and return to find aggregator collected and republished all my old posts? I figured the explanation must be:

a) My eyesight is finally failing me (punishment for peering too hard at all those delicious abs!).
b) It has been a loooong day.
c) This is a dream.
d) This is not a dream. The last few days have been the dream.
e) My comp has contracted a nasty flu.
f) I have squatter on my blog???
g) That was NOT juice (fruit...hehehe) that i just took.


Somebody heeeeeelp me?

And finally, my parting shot today - a joke that killed me today:

Unsatisfied Husband
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he Prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a
day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."