Happy Birthday....

to meeeee....
Happy Birthday to meeeee.....
Happy Birthday to Ichiena!
Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

If there's someone who loves their birthday, it's me. Here's to wishing me another good year now that i have twenty-something years under my bulging belt.

And yes, gifts are accepted (I'm shameless!Hihihi!), and I love all kinds. Best gift I ever received was a home-made coupon idea with stuff like, "I'll brush your shoes for a week", "I'll carry your bag to class twice", "Free movie of your choosing", "Full body massage", "A glorious kiss" and such. Dude sat down, wrote this on a fullscap and perforated the edges of each coupon using a pin. A PIN!! I still sigh when I think of it. Second on the list is the silliest package of a piece of thread, (To hold my clothes together (?)), Some gum, (to remain ever sweet), matchstick (to always stay warm). Yes, these kept me mushy I tell ya - but it is no excuse to send me a thong and a note ati "We are tight like a thong"! LOL!

So last year the gifts kept coming even one month after d-day; let's see if this year will beat that one. In other words, just because I meet you on 12th June does not mean it's too late for my gift, haha!

I am happy! Another year down. A good year too. Have met so many lovely people - outside and more so in blogland. And became thongish with some pals; yet lost some. But I am glad to have known all of them - and given them the opportunity to rub shoulders with me (hehehe!). Then it's been a year full of mingi escapades. Been globtrotting as always - Tranquil South Coast, Kissssumu, Kampala and Baringo. Thinking of doing North-Eastern next.

OK, this was supposed to be a short short short post but wapi! So, finally Happy Birthday to me. Many many more to come God-willing. And it has kicked off on a good start with birthday wishes - two of them bloggers!! You know yourselves - thanks for making my night. You're sweethearts haki!

Now, to two jokes that almost got me fired today:
1. Reincarnation
Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Colin, wake up you drunk bastard, you are shitting in the bed!!!"



2. Who's Smarter Now!
Kenyatta, Moi & Kibaki were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals.The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

Kenyatta came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the 10 fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten.''

The first apple went in.... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

Moi arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.1...2...3...4...5...6...7....8...9 but on the tenth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed..

Kenyatta and Moi met in heaven and Kenyatta asked Moi, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

Moi replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Kibaki coming with pineapples ".

Tagged again....

So Mocha in all her wisdom decided to tag me. I didn’t do a podcast but came close. Be warned though. Feel free to watch subject to the following disclaimers:

- You may be traumatized by the sight of certain body parts.
- Any reference to my accent (or lack thereof, LOL) and you are dead to me!
- It is incomplete – I ran out of memory (phone and my brain).
- For the avoidance of doubt, the resulting tagees are Spidey, Archer, Wanja Kihii, Unyc, Milo and Bants. And I wanted to throw in a wild card who’s quite the interesting chap and that’s you Kirima. A podcast on 5 reasons why you blog my dears.



Otherwise, I was home over the weekend – home is where my parents are at, in Ngong that is. Nice. Pretty nice. And I got this pic – true Kenyanism, don’t you think?


Home was quite the change from the noisy hustle and bustle of Nairobi life – so peaceful and you actually wake up to the sound of chirping birds and bleating goats. Then I strongly suspect I put on some weight. What is it with mothers and their crusade to feed their kids to explosion. And it’s not just your mother or mine, but all mothers. Actually, most women over 50 seem to be on the same wavelength. They were all ultrathin during their time and now they are trying to fatten us! Anyway, if you think people who are overweight have a problem, then you need to talk to those who never seem to put on weight. There’s nothing as annoying as always being treated like an invalid simply because you are not of the “desired weight” which if my female relatives had their way I’d be 70Kgs and/or over (I’m picturing a honeymoon gone bad after Mr. Ichiena breaks his back carrying me). Never you mind that I am not emaciated or teetering on verge of collapse; or that this has been my constant weight for some years now; or that no doctor has ever raised any concern over my weight. I love my body as is but once in a while I get doubtful due to external criticism. And these can make or break up a person. Really. Having grown up surrounded by beautiful siblings who were constantly being praised by everyone around, I grew up without any confidence in my physical self; the single-minded belief that I was ugly. It seemed to me that whenever anyone commented on my body it was to make fun of my gangly frame (and I was) or criticize my unfeminine self – anything but rarely positive. The positive praise was my brain. I figured that’s why I fared ok in school – I had something to prove, you know.

I eventually grew out of the low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder whether that was the reason for my number 7 (Which raised surprising theories to which the answer, for the record, is no. I love Dick too much). Anyway, the growing pains were an important lesson – unless you have constructive criticism, don’t.

And before I forget, for those clamoring for UG pics, bad news. I rely on a ten year old hand-me-down camera from dad and half my roll got burnt. Yes, I am over it. Nevertheless, long post coming up (dear-Lord-help-me). Good thing is that there are photos on this link. Let's see who amongst you can figure out who I am. Spot Ichiena and there may be a prize in it! Of course if you know what I look like, you are automatically disqualified - unless you are misleading the rest...hehehe.

So, I got back to work today and I am still amazed that I have managed to do this post. I am dying in the office. Have heaps of files threatening to topple over and clients breathing fire. But good news - got a surprise pay rise!!! Not as good as I had hoped so I still hope to get it increased.

And finally (wa! - a short post threatening to get long), looking forward to the holiday weekend. Rhino Charge here we come! What will you be up to?

Aaaand PHEW - WHY MEN'S PROBLEMS ARE RARELY PUBLISHED IN THE "DEAR AMANI COLUMN"!

Dear Amani,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot lately although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I hear a car driving off, as if she was dropped off round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi. I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and to stop checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. Perhaps deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I made up my mind to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Do you think this is something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Deeply Distressed Husband

UG rocks.

Aaah, that feeling of having taken a good trip and having it all turn out superlicious. I had a lovely time in Kampala. Made so many new pals from UG as well as TZ and Ethiopia (Sorry gal, no cookies were delivered). And danced my heart out the entire time. It's amazing that an invisible line on the ground dividing two countries can make such a difference in cultures and society. Full post and pics coming up soon.

So I return and what do I find? Another tag! And one of the tagors wants a podcast - I don't even know where to start....somebody help me? And pray do tell, this is the last of it.

Anyway, right now I have received summons from Mama Ichiena who is spitting fire because I am on leave and i haven't gone to see her yet. Figured I get my bum there lest she convinces Baba Ichiena to disinherit me!

Toodles!


Beer contains female hormones
Last month, some University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

SS....

Useless Trivia: Just I was doing this post, I realised the initials SS apply in English (Seven Secrets) and Swahili (Siri Saba). Nice, hey?

A character and another character decided to tag me and have given me restless nights ever since. Yaani, my blog is about my life, drama in my life, me, me and more me (I am shameless). So what more could I possibly share that I already haven't in the past? So, here's some stuff that I have probably already shared before but don't remember...they will just have to do.

1. I have lived in all the major towns in Kenya. Was born in Nairobi, have stayed in Embu, Nakuru, Kisii, Kisumu, Mombasa (both Mombasa Mainland and the Island), back to Nairobi, Ngong (which I hear is in Kajiado) and now back to Nairobi. At some point (during the angry teens) I figured my parents were crooks running away from the law, LOL! So when I hear people talking of having lived in the same home since childhood and having childhood pals, I don't get it. Because of this, my closest pals go back to campus days. Before that, I was flitting through life.

2. I am kidogo obsessive. I can get strange obsessions like a period in my life where i used to count steps. Yep. I had this warped mentality that my legs should deal with steps equally so if I take a flight of eight steps, 4 must be taken with one leg, 4 with the other. If they are an odd number, then I will take three with one leg and next time I use them, I will take 3 with the other leg. I was pretty mad. But that passed.

3. I have never flown and I don't know how to drive. I am old. Trust me, it still shocks even me that I have not bothered to learn. I did go through the phase some time back and did kidogo steering but then I stopped. I don't remember why. I guess it's because I don't really need it right now since I am a walking Kenyan and I remain comfortable that way.

4. I am shortsighted. I used to wear glasses but one day I just put them down and never put them on again. I can be stubborn like that. So now I squint when looking at my toes and I easily pass people on the street because I cannot see them although I must admit I have also used this to my advantage by passing those that I DO know. A character is determined to get me wearing specs again, we will see how this goes.

5. I like challenges but I easily get bored once it's done. The harder it is the better, and if I have to teach myself (my F1 key is the most worn out) even better. Hence the Rubiks Cube, 1000 plus puzzles, Programming (started blogging because of HTML), playing a flute, Sewing, Crossword, Sudoku and Salsa phase. Currently I am in a Swimming phase.

6. I think my name is P. Ichiena i.e. Procrastination Ichiena. I am a procrastinator of the worst kind. I can wait until the very very very very very last moment to do this (like this post...I know if I don't do it now, it's gonna wait till next Monday so here I am!). I still wonder how I managed to get by in school - I used to start reading for exams in the last week!

7. I have never been in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Phew - I am done. This turned out to be rather hard. I want to share yet I am not sure what is sharing too much, or what is being vague. I had to sweat - oops...er...- perspire (:-)) this one out. And the hardest part, who to tag since the regulars all seem to have been tagged. Think I'll go with the hibernators: Wanja, Couch Potato, Don Q and Sis Big bones.

So, now back to business. Kampala here I cooooome.....here's to a safe, fruitful and fun trip. Packing's all done - camera, check; discman (ipod? nini hiyo?), check; CDs, check; passport, check....cheers. Hope to get back within the week, so until then:

Welcome to the family?
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

If only they knew that I kept a box of condoms in my car....

Scam Warning: Man to men
Many of you shop at Nakumatt and you need to be aware of a scam being perpetrated at various Nakumatt sites. I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Nakumatt at the Junction and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Nakumatt . You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over onto the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, and also today. They also plot to rob me again tomorrow.

Pink Dress
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did. And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now. Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the door shut and said;

“Now tell him you have a headache."

And in view of this being an election year, I thought this was rather apt. Don't you?

Ichiena is from Mars AND Venus....

First off (I need to stop this habit of numbering everything I do and no, that was not the first thing, that was an aside)...first off, that title is very unoriginal. I admit irreverently ripping off of a book by Dave Barry. Any readers out there? This dude cracks me up - his books are just the thing to chase boredom any time any day, especially when you come across the line, "I am not making this up" when he soooo is! Hilarious stuff.

Now, back to the plot. The plot. I have been "writing" this post for 3/4 days so I have forgotten.

Oooh! Yes. Ichiena is from Mars AND Venus. This post was inspired by a comment from a blogger who wasn't sure what I am. And it got me thinking - am I more male or more female? You tell me:

Ichiena is from Mars: I have no feeling for shopping. OK you can stop chuckling. I have no feeling for shopping for clad and I am mostly in jeans and a T - I can go for months on end without buying any new attire; half my wardrobe is from pals (sending a message perhaps?). I own a complete set of tools (a claw hammer, screwdriver set, pliers, the works), I love fixing small stuff around the house. I havent cooked a decent meal since I dont know when. I usually air bolingolette - actually I dont like wearing clothes. I can shower and be out of the house in 15 minutes flat (fully clothed!). I have perfected the art of zoning out mid-conversation even if I grunt the occassional appropriate response. At one time I had 2 pairs of shoes.

Ichiena is from Venus: I have no care for sports, any sports unless walking and dancing fall within sports. I keep my nails feminine long and manicured. I own over 20 pairs of stockings/tights/leggings. I have boobs and my back is not hairy. I am a sucker for Harlequin/Romance novels - it's called "getting-some-via-osmosis". I can yap with the best of them, though I am not Nollywood status.

Other Useless Business (OUBs)
1. I was watching American Pie 4 (sucks) and heard this new word which I just had to Wikipedia. Let's just say interesting reading and do read with caution.

2. If you haven't watched Wild Hogs please make a point for a good laugh. The skinny dipping. LOL!

3. Thanks to White African, I have learn that...er...my exploits (sic!) are now in a computer game!

4. The joke for today:
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman

Finally, it's Mother's Day this weekend. Someone sent me this and it penetrated the layers and touched me somewhere. Happy Mum's Day to all Mum's out there, including ma gal MGN - congrats on the latest addition to the family. We will soon come cooing appropriately.

TO BE A MOTHER
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of starting a family. "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé; or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child-care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest-room.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs..

I want her to know that a Caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God... that of being a Mother.

Contented

And now I can confirm we are trully back. I've gotten up ready to get a kick out of life. The lips (the upper ones) are back to normal size lakini hard like a goat's hide. Any suggestions on how to get them back to kissable soft? Any volunteers to test them (mhmm, where is argh).

But I am excited because:

1. My sick pal is getting out of it. She walked a distance jana and smiled and cooked and...well, she's back.

2. Spiderman 3


If you havent watched this movie yet and still intend to - close this window. Close it now. You have been warned.

I caught Spiderman 3 on premier night. I am a Spiderman lunatic - actually I am an action-figure movie junkie but I have been hooked on Spidey ever since that first upside down kiss (Mr. Ichiena-to-be had better have some upside-down moves up his sleeves). And it delivered. Mhmmmmm.
- Best line:
"That's not the position I hired you for"

- Funniest scene:
1. Spidey dancing after shopping spree.
2. The proposal that never was. I almost rolled out of my seat.

- Huuuh? Moments:
1. Sandman going off scot free? Now how.
2. Harry survived an explosion?
3. And still on dude - his face didnt heal fast despite his powers?
4. All it took was a butler(???) to change destiny?

- Yawn moments:
1. Dude taking forever to die despite explosions, turning good, yadayada...
2. The seductive dance - Tobey has one left foot. And no other foot. Like watching a bad episode of Dancing with the Stars. Yuck.

- Sad moments:
1. Sandman discovering he's sand; dude trying to get up....sniff sniff.
2. They trashed the sacred kiss - how could they. All I could do not to stomp off. Men are all the same; even Spidey!

- The end (Go watch the movie, or wait for your usual spoiler, hehehe) Wacha the experts do their review.

Nevertheless, it was a feel good movie - it delivered. I didn't walk out feeling cheated (Alexander the Great!!!). But still I did not feel an irresistible urge to clap like I did in Pirates 2, so let's wait for 24th for the final verdict between Spidey and Captain Jack.

3. It's May - movie month my dears. First Spiderman 3 has kicked it off well enough. Now looking forward to Pirates 3, Shrek 3 (I think I have watched the first one 5 times if not more), Simpsons, Fantastic 4, Harry Potter (shudddup you!), Bourne Ultimatum, Transfomers, Oceans 13, bliss I tell ya. Pure bliss.

4. Buggering off to Champara - the land of bananas - in the course of this month. Any opportunity to travel far and wide I love, love, love.

5. Yaani I love lists, I wikipediad it! So, does this mean I am subconsiously managing time?

OK, I have reached End of Thinking Capacity and all the wonderful things I wanted to write on have gone out of my head. I wish me a good week - after missing work for one week...the boss will be happy to see me.

Talking Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

Nasty

After all the "new posts" I have attempted to put up recently, I have given up on doing any.

But today I got blogmojo from the most unexpected quarters. A big fat lip. And no, that is not a metaphore - in fact, here's a pic of the lip (taken by an ameature camera).



I woke up today with a big fat lip. I got up and went to the bathroom and burst out laughing. Laughing because I kept thinking up stuff like - my lips look like they were stung by a bee; like a liposuction gone bad; hell, like the sort a plastic surgeon would advice that I consider shifting fat from my lips to my hips! And I laughed because life's been so nasty lately, I have no more energy to get depressed. And just like I said once upon a time, I have to look at the bright side of life, so:

1. It was a good thing the office server crashed for a week and we were out of commission and living like neanderthals because i discovered that the grey funny looking thinga-majiga next to the photocopier in the store is a working typewriter - who knew!!

2. And while still on that, I learnt to talk in a pleasant voice through ground teeth and proved once for all that I have no need to richen some dentist because my teeth will probably survive a nuclear attack.

3.It was a good thing I got a strange case of "It comes from the bowels, like a bullet from a gun!" which meant a visit to the doc, prescription medicine and viola! A new untested and undiscovered and, I bet, futuristic rash. Caused by the medication. All good because there's a lot of cash to be made from getting an antidote?

4.And, come on, my flash disk crashing, with 1 GB or 4months worth of data, and on Friday the 13th. Honestly - that was just Godsent, ama? It got me organised finally. I managed to delete all 25 duplicates of the same documents which were clogging my harddrive.

5. And about the same time, my internet link went AWOL so I figured it was a good time for me to clean up the hard drive after all the procrastination. So like a bright gal I thought I was, I saddled up the laptop and went off to a Java. Settled in and started digging through the mountain of emails. But then - "Low Battery" and I thought, not to worry. Simply get out my electric cable and get back to work. But wait a minute! That aint my laptop's cable. Smart me had picked up the wrong cable. And no amount of cursing, whining, twisting, praying or crying could magically turn up the correct cable. But at least I managed to get a good breakfast.

6. So it finally sunk in and I took myself to a bureau. Good thing I have a memory stick that can double up as a flash disk. Got settled again, logged in and started going through the emails. Then. Black out. Good thing it happened because I realised I can shout "Fukc" loud and clear in public.

7. Then of course while all this was going on, I decided I had had enough and had to go and get something for the futuristic rash. Went to the doctor who prescribed more medication. The result being me up at 3am in the morning. Seated on my bed. Diligently scrubbing away at both my feet with the foot scrub. What's the good side of this you ask? Well, I managed to catch up on some reading which i had been putting off forever.

8. But the best was waking up today morning and seeing the above on my face. In addition to the itchy feet (yeah yeah....itchy Ichiena....very funny), I got a swollen lip. Two swollen lips. Two swollen lips with feet. Two swollen lips with feet about to walk all over my face. So, the good thing about this is that i was able to laugh about it. And i was able to write about it.

And that's looking at the bright side of life. There's always something to laugh about.....

The Blonde
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


SCIENTIFIC STUDY:
A leading South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study that has been published in a leading scientific journal in the US, has discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late ...


Same Difference
A Chinese went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, My dad perished in that bombing!". "I am not Japanese. I am Chinese!". "Yeah yeah yeah..... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, You are all the same." Retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later the Chinese turned round, and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor. "What was that for?", exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the 'Titanic'. I had ancestors on that ship!", the Chinese replied. "You ignorant man, Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!", shouted the director. "Yeah yeah yeah.....Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg...you are all the
same!!".


Father John
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

And finally.....

Back. Phew.

Hibernation

Phew! Ichiena's probably lost more weight these past few weeks with all the running around. It all ends this Sunday (like I've been saying for so long!). For those who expressed an interest in Bowling this Sunday, tafadhali beba socks and sneakers if you can. A large crowd is expected, they will probably run out of bowling shoes.

So, blog winter's almost coming to an end and for that I say...........



......................yes, it could be worse.

And to share the laughs that have kept me sane:

Lunch Time
A Kikuyu man, a Kalenjin man and a Luhya man were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Kikuyu said, "Githeri and cabbage! If I get this one more time for lunch, I`m going to jump off this building".

The Kalenjin opened his lunch box and exclaimed: "Ugali and mursik again! If I Get this again for lunch I going to jump off too!"

The Lunje opened his lunch and said: "Chicken ugali again! Man, if I get this again for lunch I`m jumping with you guys!"

The next day the Kikuyu opens his lunch, sure enough, Githeri and cabbage and he jumps off the building.

The Kalenjin opens his lunch, sees his mursik lunch and he jumps too.

The Lunje opens His lunch, sees the chicken ugali and joins his co-workers in death.

At the funerals the Kikuyu`s wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how much he hated Githeri and cabbage I would have never fixed it for him again!"

The Kalenjin's wife is heartbroken, crying and says, "I could have just as easily fixed him chapati and beef. I didn`t realize he hated mursik with ugali so much."

Everyone turned to the Lunje's wife. "Hey don't look at me", she says, "He always made his own packed lunch!"

25 Things That Men Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing
from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

More Ramblings...

Aco, this is one of those I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered post…..bite / bait / spank me…..hehehe. Best be off dear. You have been warned.

Lakini stress levels combined with laziness to blog have reached an all time high. Life is jam-packed with so much activity I actually made a statement last week that I will never ever repeat, “I wish there were more working hours in a day”. This was done during a lucid and sober moment in the middle of a working day. My colleague is yet to pick his bottom jaw from the floor.

So, what’s been happening this side of the asylum? After a frighteningly busy week, got down to a madder/murder weekend, starting with Friday evening where I was in charge of a little get-together which ended at Club Soundd. Kwani Nairobians do not rave anywhere else in town? And what’s with the minute dance floor being smack in the centre of the room? Anyway, ‘twas like the entire city had come out to play. At Club Soundd. Hooters next door was deserted (though after waiting almost an hour for my order, I understand why). After demurring for kedo (wa, that word I have lifted from the archives) an hour, I got down and dirty shaking my non-existent toosh on the floor. Worked up quite the sweat while at it too, hehehe. Uvundo I tell ya. Clock struck midnight and I was out like Cinderella.

Sato, I was in town by 6am. Yes, 6am. Some mad part of me had volunteered to participate in the Rotary Rally for the Physically and Mentally Challenged. This is an annual event which is a fun day for school age children with the said disabilities. On Saturday we had approximately 3,000 children in one arena. There’s nothing comparable to the feeling of giving back to society. (Which reminds me – is there anything like selfless giving? If you give and announce it to the world, does it water down the “giving” since you are getting something back, even if it is only ego-stroking moments? And if you give silently, but still derive pleasure from doing so, or feel holier-than-thou or goody-two-shoes, no matter how private that feeling is, does it negate the “selflessness” of the giving? So what is “selfless giving”?)

Anyway, had a blast. The most poignant moment for me was when one of the kids got so excited about a butterfly I painted on half their face (yes, I dusted the cobwebs off my art lessons and was designated face painter for the day) they hugged me without warning. Speaking of cobwebs, all the boys wanted spidey and I think I can now do it ok. Dude, want a spidey face for premier night? (yes, I am counting down the days to Spidey 3…NuMetro are already talking of a World Premier show with tickets approximately 1K or 1.2K). Another highlight was getting MY face painted. I was a blue/green cat for the day…mhm mhm mhm…purrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh…At the end of the day I was so tired, I passed out on (not under!) a table somewhere in NCBD environs mid-supper and practically sleepwalked home afterwards and only managed to get back into my bed after 10pm.

Come Sunday, I was in town at 11am. Doing what you ask? Going for my swimming classes (I am determined to get over deep-water-fear this year. Of course, there’s also the bit of the great migration southwards of what’s left of my toosh so it’s operation No-More-Lard). Saturday I was on my feet for 12 straight hours + swimming is exercise = Ichiena-zombie. And to top it all, despite my dark dark dark…er…blue black complexion, I have managed to achieve a peeling nose. (The most annoying thing this week is people keep telling me there’s “something” on my nose!!. It’s a layer of my nose!!). That took a good part of the day. Come evening, no rest for me yet. Went to must-attend-or-be-killed-dinner where I was expected to hobnob with the who’s who (in my books), smile and understand kenyanised wengs. Two highlights though; one being dinning under the stars. Niiice! When I grow up I want an open balcony I can dine on. Highlight number two – argh was bartending. At my beck and call! No, I wasn’t nasty. All’s forgiven (he apologized some time back, rather sweetly I might add, which he had to do after I unleashed quite the torrent and I can be the expert at ranting), we are cool. He’s back in my good books (BOOKS….nothin’ else. The ship has sailed). Still, it was a collection of PUB (Pure Unadulterated Bliss) moments. Got back home and in bed at midnight. So by my rusty mathafu, I had no weekend to talk of.

Come Monday and…who am I kidding. Mondays do not exist in my world. “I am” on Monday. So, come Tuesday, elections of this project I am a part of and who’s in charge? Mhmmm. It all went well (we stay out of any fruity business) but the sheer agony of organizing it.

I got up today and wondered whether it was Wednesday or Thursday. In February or March. And realised maisha yanipita tu. I needed to log this down so that I can look back one day and remember I lived.

PS1: To those who sought me out, thanks. I am fine. When I die you will be the first to know (just like all our parents were number one in school).

PS2: To those who caused because I have been stingy with the jokes supply, laugh to your fill below.

PS3: Eeeek! Tato – I have just realised I have done what you once warned me about!

PS4: Ati there’s going to be an earthquake across Nai?

PS5: What’s with aggregator and free smses sites?

1. Assicons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass


2. The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help me..."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


3. LEARN TO ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION
First-year students at a Med College were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around thesurgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it,and stuck it in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

TGIF!

He! It has been one long week. One during which I overslept one weekday. Picture getting up, checking your watch expecting to see 6.10 or even 7.10 and seeing 8.10am!

8.10am!!!! I literally shrieked those words, lept out of bed and dashed to the bathroom. Good thing the male usurper had left because he'd have had a shock at the sight of me nguoless (i fear strangulation in sleep. I once woke up to find my knee joint out of the socket. True story. And I blame mingi clothing to date). Anyway, got the bathroom and had that agonising minute debating, to shower or spray...hehehe. Aaaah, but I saved the nastiness for another day - I brushed my teeth! Fast Forward and I shamelessly strutted into the office over an hour late (I figured I was already late anyhow).

So, I was wondering. What happened to my body clock? Do you have a body clock? Ama it's only me who has the habit of somehow always managing to get up just a minute before the alarm goes off (ok, so it's set at 7am by which time the traffic alone is enough to wake me up but still). Ama when you have gotten used to getting up at 3am or 5am to chop, somehow your body knows that time and you find yourself waking up at appointed hour without fail? Who, what, how is the body clock set? And can we "switch" it off. (It annoys me to no end. I love my sleep to the very last minute. So waking up earlier than planned, albeit even by a minute, and I am ongezaring another 10 minutes of sleelp, hehehe). Baba Boi, this one's for you to scratch your scientific mind around and get me an answer pronto.

And now to harp shamelessly. This is my space - sue me.

I love giving back to society. One way is through organising charitable events and the like, and i find Rotaract and Rotary a good avenue because the mad people there! Anyway, they are organising a Bowling event at Village Market (I hear it's called Vima - no, Mwalimu, that's not a twisted sheng word like for....er... like risto) on Sunday 18th March '07. Tickets will go for 500 bob. The funds raised are for the management of the Rotaract VCT Centre located on 5th Floor of Phoenix Hse, Kenyatta Avenue. By the way, that's the only VCT Centre in town and was voted the best of '06. So, want to support a worthy cause in a fun way - come join us that Sunday. I'll be the one crying over my broken nails.

And finally, this being the start of a weekend, thought you might find the following handy...hehehe...

What could possibly be worse than....

.....having your molar pulled out by a female dentist suffering from PMS?

A wedding. Yep. A wedding, that's what. Especially if you are female. Especially if it's the wedding of a female related to you because your great great great great great grand father and her's wore the same akalas. Especially if her relatives and yours are one and the same. Especially if she is younger than you by a number of years. Especially if you are attending such real or imagined wedding on your own (your handbag or cellphone or sister, cousin, brother, gardener does not count). Especially if you have not stated, are in no danger of stating, might never state the words "I do" while holding someone's hand up in the air (what's up with that?). Especially if all other females in attendance born cirka your year of birth all come endowed with a requisite accessory - a man (qualities are not an issue here. He comes with three legs and you are through).

Oh, there's nothing worse. Yet, while armed with this information, I dared tread where no single woman over 20 should dare venture. Everything was criticised from my bony shoulderblades, my hips or lack thereof, my long claws, my strawlike nywele, my corny feet, my bad skin....and this was before I got to the ceremony! Phew. Talk about being hang to dry. All the "aunts" suddenly become chummy and the entire event becomes Operation-Get-Ichiena-Married. Imagine an aunt popping up with a dude in tow and insisting on introducing you, "Yes, this is Ichiena..mhmmm! She's a qualified XXYY. Goes to church at ABCD. Works for 456." I had an experience where a pals mum came to my office - my office! - with her nephew in tow and insisted that we exchange numbers and promise to call one another. I kid you not. Of course, i always think, if dude is spineless enough to warrant an introduction through an aunt will there be a stiff bone on him?

Anyway, I cut the nonsense short by telling one of the "aunts", who I am certain acquired this title just for this occassion, that I love paka. Now, as to how fast this will get back to my mother.....

In conclusion - anyone i can hire for the next wedding? Males need not apply!


And since this was a wedding post, here are some wedding jokes...hehehe.

The Honeymooners
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

Ten Husbands, Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Oh, and finally, I passed by the castle and those pick-up lines reminded me of these put-down ones:

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

Bah Humbug!

So it's Vals again. Like I said,

Bah Humbug.

Lakini I have received some gems I must share.

A. A hilarious word of advice
Ladies...... just a piece of advice today. As valentines approaches, please note that there are two people you should NOT fall in love with:-

1. John Githongo - the fellow will tape your whole affair, and release it to the press in pieces.

2. James Kamangu Ndimu - this fellow might come to haunt you 20 years later when you have made it all alone.


B. These are entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for two line rhymes with most romantic first line, but least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

C. Then I received these pics! Made my day:

5. Beware what you swear to on the wedding day


4. If taken literally...


3. If we were all truthful...


2. What you will be saying 10 years down the line...


1. And the winner is...



D. And someone who knows how to please a mama..
Cognac laced chocolate people! Getting high under the bosses' nose! A major highlight I dare say.

Fissssssssing....

Yipeeeeee!!! Off to Naivasha. To go fissss.

I know - it aint no big deal, shouldnt be. But then you have no idea who my galz are. They are specially created I tell you. They are a mad bunch, and woe to the man who dares enter their lair when they are grouped together....mwehehehehehee - they will dissect you papo hapo, by the time you get back to normal life, it will be two months down the line and your boys may still not have ascended back.

OK, they ain't so bad. Lakini...tsk, tsk, tsk!

Anyway! We have finally managed to put something together as a group and we are going to Naivasha. Some come encumbered - can you imagine making plot and you are told, "the beau, baby, bwana, ayah....has to come.", "Overnight! I cant", "I cannot use public means!!", "Do we have a program of activities"(wtf???).

For me who's a get-up-and-go mama, at one point I was sure it aint ever gonna happen (it's been almost 10 long years I tell ya); was pulling my hair out (so now i have a bald spot on the left). Imagine a group of nine mamas - 3 spicy (i.e. the spouses are connected at their hips and are coming along) and 6 kienyeji (i.e. encumberances have been left to take care of the babies, hehehe). And they proceeded to buy keroro directly from KWAL - wholesale I tell ya.

Which is why the fissssssing part. I will probably be fishing mamas out of a lake the entire weekend. As a precaution, i have had the encumbrances sign disclaimers (I will not be held accountable for any disappearing women). Anyone with some tough industrial fishing net i can borrow?

Haya! Lovely weekend y'all.


Keep the Motor Running?

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby.
The nurse said to the man: "At your age, how do you do that?"
The man answered: "You just have to keep the motor running".
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby.
The same nurse said to the man and asked: "You are something else, how do you do that?". He said: "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running".
Another year and back to the hospital for another baby.
The same nurse said: "You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!".
He said: "You got to keep the motor running".
She answered: "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black".

I need a hobby

Yes, something to while away my time; something to expend my excess chakra on; something to keep me occupied in a good manner; something that might, or might not need batteries; something to ensure that the foot I have recently taken to dangling out of the BTrain is safe and sound back in the train. Please pay attention. I use the term, "something"; not "someone".

I have concluded I self destruct. I like it that way, I think. What am I going on about?

Let's see, I had a most terrible weekend recently and I survived it none the worse for wear. But some of the things that happened in that weekend got me thinking (yes I do think, thank you very much!) and following internal/infernal arguments, discussions, assessments, mental discourse, wendawazimu, call it whatever you like, I have come to the conclusion that I have an inborn self destruct mechanism. That would be the only explanation for the type of jamaa I get drawn to (this be the point where you should mutter, "A dude! Figures!" and trot on to the next post).

I go for Bad Boys. And not regular Bad Boys ("Honey, I forgot it was your birthday/valentines?) but the Really Really Bad Boys with power foam ("Who are you again and where/when/how did we meet?"). The kind you introduce to your mum as the "neighbour" (why is it that mothers presume neighbours cannot be Potential Male Accessories (PMAs)?) when he emerges from the kitchen in his boxers and the sugar bowl.

But I digress. As I was saying, I have the knack to draw them in like flies too (which would make me what, poop?). Give me a nice guy who couldn't be sweeter and I don on the Pal-goggles. Chapter closed. This is who I am and because of it I will be knitting leg warmers from homegrown wool (landscaping will not be a necessity after all!) when I am 60 for my 16 kittens. Bah humbug! I realised that and I accept that. (I just haven't figured out how to break this bit of news to the Fockers et al...)

That settled, question is, why the lure of the RRBBs? Is it because of the tried, tested and failed theory of oh-I-want-to-be-the-one-to-change-them-into-settledownable-men? I sincerely do not think so. And I can say this because once they do change into settledownable I bail. Faster than you can say, "Quiiiiiick". Actually, I am never around for that part.

Which then leads me to my latest theory. I do it because I am self destructive. Think about it. With a nice guy, there is a high chance of getting sucked in, settling, getting comfy, falling in love and all that mish mash. And when it doesn't work out you need a new broom (long handle and bristles variety) to gather the shattered pieces. I will be forever tormenting myself wondering, "He was so perfect; what, when, why, where, how?" With an RRBB on the other hand, there's no room to get comfy. You know it, the RRBB knows it, the kombamwikos know it. It doesn't work out, if there's any attempt to work something out, and you move on with maisha muttering, "It figures...I knew it...It was just a matter of time". And that's what makes them attractive - I know hapa hakuna kutekwa nyara. RRBB is not going to make any effort and if that pisses me off in the short term (yes I will still get inexplicably pissed off even if the writing's tattoed on his forehead; sue me, my defense will be that I am a woman after all), in the long term I will be glad to see the last of him.

Lakini I have fikad etc with that theory. Could there be another one? At this point, I need to figure out is whether I want to change and if so, how do I go about it. You cannot force matters of the NaHu-...er...mhmmm..ahem!...the heart.

Filosofia ya Ichiena imeletwa na nini? I met Argh (And yes. I know! The disgust in AAAAaaaaaarghhhhhhh has shortened with time! Tsk tsk!). The inevitable happened just like I always knew it would and we had to breath air within 10 feet of each other for 3 hours. Oh, no mind, no drama. We (being Ichiena normal, Ichiena pissed, and Ichiena horny) were cordial, friendly, playfull even - considering the circumstances. But it took only the first hour for me to realise he still has sexy eyes, bloodshot and all, but still sexy (my RRBBs are somehow usually high achievers in their field (be it as a bank thief or as a watchman), medula finely tuned, bold (hakuna cha kufyeka compound kabla ya kufikia kichaka - they zone straight in) and invariably own shares in KBL owing to full mwenjoyos hence the bloodshot eyes). And the cutest smile. Eeeeeek! It hit me that I would not mind, nay, I was contemplating a repeat session - wtf!!! It could be that the (Ich2+Argh4)squared is really still there - ama I need to disembark this train. I kept muttering, "Heart Throb (yep, a new TDH PMA in the horizon, he after my own...), HT, HT, HT..." like a mantra. An hour longer and I would have had thumb firmly stuck in an orifice - any orifice - knees bent, and rocking. Sixty-one minutes longer and this post would have been about the repeat session. I chalk it down to the fact that all the blood in my system has taken an extended leave to Holland and it is yet to return. Oh, and it didn't matter that the new PMA epitomises RRBB even more than Argh ever will. Almost like being tempted with Tusker and mantaring, "Kumi Kumi, KK, KK, KK..."

Still, I am mightily pissed. At myself. I cannot, and should not, be getting up to DIY courtesy of Argh! Or anyone else for that matter. Hii mpaka iwe pruned here and now. Haki.

And Ichiena is always right.


Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Here's Looking At The Bright Side

I have a lot to be thankful for because it surely cannot get any worse….

1. I bumped into Arrrrggghh over the weekend. It was inevitable but twice in one day? Yes, twice. First time he didn’t see me so I didn’t bother – I broke into a cold sweat and furiously walked on. Second time, being two hours or so later (how do you manage not to bump into someone for over three months and then when you finally do it happens twice in one day??), there was no escaping. I restrained myself from wringing his neck (to begin with...) and so I passed the opportunity to lodge at Kamiti Maximum Prison.

Thankfully, he got out of his car to hug me and was met with an outstretched hand and cordial smile. He probably expected a war cry and a panga so Ichiena working 3Ps - prim, proper and pleasant was a triumph. Small triumph I know but still - triumph.

2. I got new clad. I washed them. One of them had other ideas and decided to copulate/share. So, viola – all my new clad is now tie and dye. In pink angry splotches.

Thankfully I needed new floor rugs.

3. I got up on Monday morning and for a moment I mistakenly believe that I must be dreaming – what’s that sloshing wavelike sound I hear? Why’s the carpet a darker shade than usual? Why does the floor feel wet? My sis left the kitchen tap on (remind me again why I should not throw her out?) I have wall to wall carpeting – yes. Not to forget several other area rugs. Let that sink in. And, yes, the entire house was flooded. Half an inch of water everywhere. Let me just explain what cleaning up entailed – dragging out all earthly belongings and then a dripping impossibly heavy wall-to-wall aint no joke. Underneath it is pvc which was at that time afloat. And underneath that is red oxide floor that has been soaked. Everything water splashed on turned blood red in an instant. I had to call in late at the office meaning more work pileup when I finally got in. My back hurt, my hands hurt, everything hurt. Oh, and this is the time the siblings chose to believe it's my house - I deal with it. They all suddenly had things to do like work/school/rave/taking the dog for a walk/flight to the moon....

Thankfully, the house was due for a thorough cleaning. Thankfully, there’s no stench. Thankfully the kombamwikos have moved out in protest.

4. Got into the office at 10.30am. Worked like crazy. I kicked off by running printed copies of completion documents for a meeting scheduled for noon. Then I get the call. The client decided they wanted to go with Plan B on the transaction. So all the time put into preparing and finalising the documents for Plan A (and I did this over my weekend break), was all for naught.

Thankfully I was running out of draft paper. Thankfully I am paid by the hour.

5. Quick dash home over my lunch break to grab a bite and to make sure the house hadn’t burnt down going by my track record thus far. My phone fell into a bucket of water. It’s dead. Hence the undercover – I have no access to phone numbers. I need to have it seen by a fundi or something soonest. It’s going to cost me. I don’t know if it will work again. All my contacts are saved on the handset.

Thankfully, I have been considering getting another handset. Thankfully, I now have a perfect excuse for not returning calls, missing texts, skipping meetings, being late, forgetting birthdays, not brushing my teeth…

6. They say bad things happen in three. And so they did to me. In two sets of threes. The last straw was when another virus invaded my atmosphere. Irritated me for two long hours.

I am still thankful nevertheless. Thankful that at number 6, the bad streak must now be over. Thankful that, despite the thao horrors of surfing, I still come across gems like the one below to make me smile.

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read:

'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' "

The case was dismissed.