Hibernation

Phew! Ichiena's probably lost more weight these past few weeks with all the running around. It all ends this Sunday (like I've been saying for so long!). For those who expressed an interest in Bowling this Sunday, tafadhali beba socks and sneakers if you can. A large crowd is expected, they will probably run out of bowling shoes.

So, blog winter's almost coming to an end and for that I say...........



......................yes, it could be worse.

And to share the laughs that have kept me sane:

Lunch Time
A Kikuyu man, a Kalenjin man and a Luhya man were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Kikuyu said, "Githeri and cabbage! If I get this one more time for lunch, I`m going to jump off this building".

The Kalenjin opened his lunch box and exclaimed: "Ugali and mursik again! If I Get this again for lunch I going to jump off too!"

The Lunje opened his lunch and said: "Chicken ugali again! Man, if I get this again for lunch I`m jumping with you guys!"

The next day the Kikuyu opens his lunch, sure enough, Githeri and cabbage and he jumps off the building.

The Kalenjin opens his lunch, sees his mursik lunch and he jumps too.

The Lunje opens His lunch, sees the chicken ugali and joins his co-workers in death.

At the funerals the Kikuyu`s wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how much he hated Githeri and cabbage I would have never fixed it for him again!"

The Kalenjin's wife is heartbroken, crying and says, "I could have just as easily fixed him chapati and beef. I didn`t realize he hated mursik with ugali so much."

Everyone turned to the Lunje's wife. "Hey don't look at me", she says, "He always made his own packed lunch!"

25 Things That Men Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing
from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

More Ramblings...

Aco, this is one of those I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered post…..bite / bait / spank me…..hehehe. Best be off dear. You have been warned.

Lakini stress levels combined with laziness to blog have reached an all time high. Life is jam-packed with so much activity I actually made a statement last week that I will never ever repeat, “I wish there were more working hours in a day”. This was done during a lucid and sober moment in the middle of a working day. My colleague is yet to pick his bottom jaw from the floor.

So, what’s been happening this side of the asylum? After a frighteningly busy week, got down to a madder/murder weekend, starting with Friday evening where I was in charge of a little get-together which ended at Club Soundd. Kwani Nairobians do not rave anywhere else in town? And what’s with the minute dance floor being smack in the centre of the room? Anyway, ‘twas like the entire city had come out to play. At Club Soundd. Hooters next door was deserted (though after waiting almost an hour for my order, I understand why). After demurring for kedo (wa, that word I have lifted from the archives) an hour, I got down and dirty shaking my non-existent toosh on the floor. Worked up quite the sweat while at it too, hehehe. Uvundo I tell ya. Clock struck midnight and I was out like Cinderella.

Sato, I was in town by 6am. Yes, 6am. Some mad part of me had volunteered to participate in the Rotary Rally for the Physically and Mentally Challenged. This is an annual event which is a fun day for school age children with the said disabilities. On Saturday we had approximately 3,000 children in one arena. There’s nothing comparable to the feeling of giving back to society. (Which reminds me – is there anything like selfless giving? If you give and announce it to the world, does it water down the “giving” since you are getting something back, even if it is only ego-stroking moments? And if you give silently, but still derive pleasure from doing so, or feel holier-than-thou or goody-two-shoes, no matter how private that feeling is, does it negate the “selflessness” of the giving? So what is “selfless giving”?)

Anyway, had a blast. The most poignant moment for me was when one of the kids got so excited about a butterfly I painted on half their face (yes, I dusted the cobwebs off my art lessons and was designated face painter for the day) they hugged me without warning. Speaking of cobwebs, all the boys wanted spidey and I think I can now do it ok. Dude, want a spidey face for premier night? (yes, I am counting down the days to Spidey 3…NuMetro are already talking of a World Premier show with tickets approximately 1K or 1.2K). Another highlight was getting MY face painted. I was a blue/green cat for the day…mhm mhm mhm…purrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh…At the end of the day I was so tired, I passed out on (not under!) a table somewhere in NCBD environs mid-supper and practically sleepwalked home afterwards and only managed to get back into my bed after 10pm.

Come Sunday, I was in town at 11am. Doing what you ask? Going for my swimming classes (I am determined to get over deep-water-fear this year. Of course, there’s also the bit of the great migration southwards of what’s left of my toosh so it’s operation No-More-Lard). Saturday I was on my feet for 12 straight hours + swimming is exercise = Ichiena-zombie. And to top it all, despite my dark dark dark…er…blue black complexion, I have managed to achieve a peeling nose. (The most annoying thing this week is people keep telling me there’s “something” on my nose!!. It’s a layer of my nose!!). That took a good part of the day. Come evening, no rest for me yet. Went to must-attend-or-be-killed-dinner where I was expected to hobnob with the who’s who (in my books), smile and understand kenyanised wengs. Two highlights though; one being dinning under the stars. Niiice! When I grow up I want an open balcony I can dine on. Highlight number two – argh was bartending. At my beck and call! No, I wasn’t nasty. All’s forgiven (he apologized some time back, rather sweetly I might add, which he had to do after I unleashed quite the torrent and I can be the expert at ranting), we are cool. He’s back in my good books (BOOKS….nothin’ else. The ship has sailed). Still, it was a collection of PUB (Pure Unadulterated Bliss) moments. Got back home and in bed at midnight. So by my rusty mathafu, I had no weekend to talk of.

Come Monday and…who am I kidding. Mondays do not exist in my world. “I am” on Monday. So, come Tuesday, elections of this project I am a part of and who’s in charge? Mhmmm. It all went well (we stay out of any fruity business) but the sheer agony of organizing it.

I got up today and wondered whether it was Wednesday or Thursday. In February or March. And realised maisha yanipita tu. I needed to log this down so that I can look back one day and remember I lived.

PS1: To those who sought me out, thanks. I am fine. When I die you will be the first to know (just like all our parents were number one in school).

PS2: To those who caused because I have been stingy with the jokes supply, laugh to your fill below.

PS3: Eeeek! Tato – I have just realised I have done what you once warned me about!

PS4: Ati there’s going to be an earthquake across Nai?

PS5: What’s with aggregator and free smses sites?

1. Assicons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass


2. The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help me..."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


3. LEARN TO ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION
First-year students at a Med College were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around thesurgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it,and stuck it in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

TGIF!

He! It has been one long week. One during which I overslept one weekday. Picture getting up, checking your watch expecting to see 6.10 or even 7.10 and seeing 8.10am!

8.10am!!!! I literally shrieked those words, lept out of bed and dashed to the bathroom. Good thing the male usurper had left because he'd have had a shock at the sight of me nguoless (i fear strangulation in sleep. I once woke up to find my knee joint out of the socket. True story. And I blame mingi clothing to date). Anyway, got the bathroom and had that agonising minute debating, to shower or spray...hehehe. Aaaah, but I saved the nastiness for another day - I brushed my teeth! Fast Forward and I shamelessly strutted into the office over an hour late (I figured I was already late anyhow).

So, I was wondering. What happened to my body clock? Do you have a body clock? Ama it's only me who has the habit of somehow always managing to get up just a minute before the alarm goes off (ok, so it's set at 7am by which time the traffic alone is enough to wake me up but still). Ama when you have gotten used to getting up at 3am or 5am to chop, somehow your body knows that time and you find yourself waking up at appointed hour without fail? Who, what, how is the body clock set? And can we "switch" it off. (It annoys me to no end. I love my sleep to the very last minute. So waking up earlier than planned, albeit even by a minute, and I am ongezaring another 10 minutes of sleelp, hehehe). Baba Boi, this one's for you to scratch your scientific mind around and get me an answer pronto.

And now to harp shamelessly. This is my space - sue me.

I love giving back to society. One way is through organising charitable events and the like, and i find Rotaract and Rotary a good avenue because the mad people there! Anyway, they are organising a Bowling event at Village Market (I hear it's called Vima - no, Mwalimu, that's not a twisted sheng word like for....er... like risto) on Sunday 18th March '07. Tickets will go for 500 bob. The funds raised are for the management of the Rotaract VCT Centre located on 5th Floor of Phoenix Hse, Kenyatta Avenue. By the way, that's the only VCT Centre in town and was voted the best of '06. So, want to support a worthy cause in a fun way - come join us that Sunday. I'll be the one crying over my broken nails.

And finally, this being the start of a weekend, thought you might find the following handy...hehehe...