More Ramblings...

Aco, this is one of those I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered post…..bite / bait / spank me…..hehehe. Best be off dear. You have been warned.

Lakini stress levels combined with laziness to blog have reached an all time high. Life is jam-packed with so much activity I actually made a statement last week that I will never ever repeat, “I wish there were more working hours in a day”. This was done during a lucid and sober moment in the middle of a working day. My colleague is yet to pick his bottom jaw from the floor.

So, what’s been happening this side of the asylum? After a frighteningly busy week, got down to a madder/murder weekend, starting with Friday evening where I was in charge of a little get-together which ended at Club Soundd. Kwani Nairobians do not rave anywhere else in town? And what’s with the minute dance floor being smack in the centre of the room? Anyway, ‘twas like the entire city had come out to play. At Club Soundd. Hooters next door was deserted (though after waiting almost an hour for my order, I understand why). After demurring for kedo (wa, that word I have lifted from the archives) an hour, I got down and dirty shaking my non-existent toosh on the floor. Worked up quite the sweat while at it too, hehehe. Uvundo I tell ya. Clock struck midnight and I was out like Cinderella.

Sato, I was in town by 6am. Yes, 6am. Some mad part of me had volunteered to participate in the Rotary Rally for the Physically and Mentally Challenged. This is an annual event which is a fun day for school age children with the said disabilities. On Saturday we had approximately 3,000 children in one arena. There’s nothing comparable to the feeling of giving back to society. (Which reminds me – is there anything like selfless giving? If you give and announce it to the world, does it water down the “giving” since you are getting something back, even if it is only ego-stroking moments? And if you give silently, but still derive pleasure from doing so, or feel holier-than-thou or goody-two-shoes, no matter how private that feeling is, does it negate the “selflessness” of the giving? So what is “selfless giving”?)

Anyway, had a blast. The most poignant moment for me was when one of the kids got so excited about a butterfly I painted on half their face (yes, I dusted the cobwebs off my art lessons and was designated face painter for the day) they hugged me without warning. Speaking of cobwebs, all the boys wanted spidey and I think I can now do it ok. Dude, want a spidey face for premier night? (yes, I am counting down the days to Spidey 3…NuMetro are already talking of a World Premier show with tickets approximately 1K or 1.2K). Another highlight was getting MY face painted. I was a blue/green cat for the day…mhm mhm mhm…purrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh…At the end of the day I was so tired, I passed out on (not under!) a table somewhere in NCBD environs mid-supper and practically sleepwalked home afterwards and only managed to get back into my bed after 10pm.

Come Sunday, I was in town at 11am. Doing what you ask? Going for my swimming classes (I am determined to get over deep-water-fear this year. Of course, there’s also the bit of the great migration southwards of what’s left of my toosh so it’s operation No-More-Lard). Saturday I was on my feet for 12 straight hours + swimming is exercise = Ichiena-zombie. And to top it all, despite my dark dark dark…er…blue black complexion, I have managed to achieve a peeling nose. (The most annoying thing this week is people keep telling me there’s “something” on my nose!!. It’s a layer of my nose!!). That took a good part of the day. Come evening, no rest for me yet. Went to must-attend-or-be-killed-dinner where I was expected to hobnob with the who’s who (in my books), smile and understand kenyanised wengs. Two highlights though; one being dinning under the stars. Niiice! When I grow up I want an open balcony I can dine on. Highlight number two – argh was bartending. At my beck and call! No, I wasn’t nasty. All’s forgiven (he apologized some time back, rather sweetly I might add, which he had to do after I unleashed quite the torrent and I can be the expert at ranting), we are cool. He’s back in my good books (BOOKS….nothin’ else. The ship has sailed). Still, it was a collection of PUB (Pure Unadulterated Bliss) moments. Got back home and in bed at midnight. So by my rusty mathafu, I had no weekend to talk of.

Come Monday and…who am I kidding. Mondays do not exist in my world. “I am” on Monday. So, come Tuesday, elections of this project I am a part of and who’s in charge? Mhmmm. It all went well (we stay out of any fruity business) but the sheer agony of organizing it.

I got up today and wondered whether it was Wednesday or Thursday. In February or March. And realised maisha yanipita tu. I needed to log this down so that I can look back one day and remember I lived.

PS1: To those who sought me out, thanks. I am fine. When I die you will be the first to know (just like all our parents were number one in school).

PS2: To those who caused because I have been stingy with the jokes supply, laugh to your fill below.

PS3: Eeeek! Tato – I have just realised I have done what you once warned me about!

PS4: Ati there’s going to be an earthquake across Nai?

PS5: What’s with aggregator and free smses sites?

1. Assicons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass


2. The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help me..."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


3. LEARN TO ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION
First-year students at a Med College were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around thesurgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it,and stuck it in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"