Ichiena?

Dare I?

2012-02-02T07:52:00.001+03:00

It has been eons. Do i have the time? Can i remember how to do this? Goodness knows what has changed while i have been away ...busy living.

Dare I?

Do not wear shoes when bungee jumping and other things...

2008-04-18T21:04:00.009+03:00

So the story that finally got me off my fat lazy bum to blogging is this:

And just because someone seems convinced I am bila boobs, here is proof:

Bungee Jumping. That is what I was up to last Saturday simply because a small kinyangarika was celebrating their birthday and was determined to face death halfway through her existence. I basically receive an invitation to go bungee jumping, without the option of saying no. So, come Sato, I started the day with a grand plan. Which is where I had it all wrong, including the one on shoes (seriously!).

1. To eat or not to eat, that is the question.
The first plan was not to eat. The idea being that if i didn't eat I would not throw up out of sheer terror, right? WRONG! The sensation of the jump is such that your faculties are too busy panicking, "What the....#$!$#!$%$%@%", by the time your puking faculties realise that they need to kick into action, you have passed out. Or are dead.
Lesson: Eat, no, hog like it's the Last Supper. It could be!

2. Sagana is only a few hours drive from Nairobi.
Not if you are relying on the only vehicle with a speed governor in Kenya. This was not just any slow vehicle - this was the slowest. The last straw was when we were almost overtaken by a donkey-cart. We resorted to threatening mass action on the driver although much good that did us. So to pass time, we worked on the popcorn we had bought at Nakumatt on Thika road (these are so fresh and yummy). Of course, my dilemma a the time was in the fact that each mile meant a step closer to...er...death. And the very thought made me wanna pee every time it occured, which was continuously.
Lesson: The road to Sagana has no "pee-bushes". Carry a pee bag, the size being dependent on what choice you made in 1 above.

So, it was with a big sigh of relief....

...and a big gulp of apprehension to see these:

3. A 60 meter jump is ok, after all Zambezi is 110 meters....
...or is it? Let me break it down, remember those annoying rulers we used to have in primary school that had 12 inches one side and 30 cms on the other side and had this annoying habit of breaking in your school bag despite you carefully storing it between two A4 books? Now, imgaine lining up - and I mean, UP literally. Think of lining up 200 of them up into the sky. That's a 60 meter jump. Nope. A 60 meter jump actually looks like this:

Lesson: That picture tells only half the story. That is only 30 meters (gulp!)

4. Bungee jumps are usually off a bridge, a cliff, maybe a desk? Easy peasy stuff.
No. At Sagana, it aint so easy as walking to the edge of the cliff and jumping off. At Sagana, they get you all trussed and girded up:

then they make you climb up....

.....and up...

....and up until you get to the cage. Yes, the CAGE of no return.

Lesson: You have no one - no one but yourself to blame for your jump. At Sagana, you prove intention and determination (misplaced as it may be) to jump before you jump.

5. I can always back out.
Not if you have just climbed up 60 meters of steel on your own. Not if climbing down will take more time than swinging down. Not if you've already paid for the jump. Not if you have only 15 minutes to make up your mind. Not after you have seen someone else jump - it looks so easy. And fun!
Lesson: Do NOT approach the jump if you do not intend to jump. Put down the harness and walk away from it.

But truth be told, I am glad I did it. I was asked to describe the sensation in one word and the only one that came to mind was, "Death". Whether that's a good or a bad thing is a story for another day. One minute I was in the cave and the next I was saying stupid stuff like, "It is now or never", "Let's get this over and done with" and then my brain clicked and I realised that I was airborne. And I discovered gravity does exist. About this time terror kicked in - I know I am jumping, I know there's a chord holding me, but I can feel the wind whistling past my ears and it is whistling past so fast, I swear there's a tune somewhere there. I get a fleeting thought on the speed an asteroid falls to earth to create enough friction to ignite because I am moving fast!

I am definitely moving fast! And it's at this point that it dawns on me that the person screaming at the top of their voice - decibels so loud that those pop idols dudes might envy me - that screamer is me! So I stop screaming and start laughing and what do I hear? Bloody #$@!%$%$% They are cheering! The ones on solid ground are cheering! I am screaming in terror and they are cheering?? But maybe this is not too bad. So I start laughing. I was beginning to enjoy it after all.

Then the first jerk. That's the worst part. The jerk.
Now, see the thing is, the bungee chord is elastic. Which means you are like a yoyo. You fall then once the chord is all stretched out, you are jerked back up and of course you have to fall again. I stopped laughing after the first jerk and started yelling again. After a couple of jerks and falls, i was getting the hang of it (all pun intended) and then got alarmed about something else....yep. Don't wear shoes when bungee jumping.

My shoe was falling off. Being tossed all over the place, managed not to throw up, managed not to pee or worse. And now my shoe was about to fall several feet down and sink 15 meters into Tana River? Now how? I was screaming now, not in fear for my life, but for my shoe! And i was mad. How dare the shoe cause a blight in my perfect jump.

So the relief I felt when I was finally reeled in was more because of saving my shoe than the end of the jump. And that's when the audacity of it all struck me. Ha!

So, who's down for Rhino Charge next?

It feels Gooooooood, tch, ah!

2008-02-29T22:36:00.003+03:00

It truly does.

To be able to write without time limitations. Without fear of getting disconnected. Or getting an overwhelming bill.

And I am all creaky, cobweby, dusty and rusty - I dont even remember how to put in smileys in chat, secondary internet virginity? Ah, to learn all over again. It will be good times. Soon. Very soon.

And now, here's kidogo murder of the English language. Too Funny.

The Leave Applications:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his d aughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

· Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

· Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

· Letter writing: "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

· A candidate's job application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a "Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female"... As I am both(!!)for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

New leaf

2008-01-27T16:03:00.000+03:00

It's been so long. Gotten all rusty. Lost touch.

So terrible.

Hopefully though, tomorrow's a new day with new things and I am revving to go again. Keeping all my digits crossed and keeping the broom handy so that I am good and ready to sweep away the cob-webs in my crib. And soon.

Phew.....

Confused

2007-09-24T11:29:00.001+03:00

Thoughts flying through my head. All over. Not making any sense. Thinking this, thinking that, thinking neither.

I want to trust you.

I want to trust you so bad. But then, how do I trust? Are you showing me who you really are? Am I expecting too much from you? Are you right in saying you shouldn't have to cultivate my trust. Should I know whether or not I trust you - how does someone know? Why is it that I trust T without having to think about it. Why cant I take you for who you are? Can I live with that or will it eat me alive?

I love your sense of humour.

Yes I do - though your timing is sometimes questionable. I love the way you smile. I like that you smile because of something I say. I like that you like my smile. I like that you think I'm attractive. I like you. I think that I am scared to delve deeper because I might like you even more. I think I want to like you more.

You infuriate me.

You have the ability of driving me nuts to the point of distraction. There are days I could strangle you - literally - given the chance. There are days I swear never to talk to you, discuss you or think about you - ever. But you also have the ability of bringing out my forgiving and forgetting side. I let you off real easy, you know I do. In you I have discovered I can be extremely patient.

You consume me.

I long for you when you are not around. I yearn to be with you, to do things with you, to do things to you. Then when you are finally here I get all shy and gawky. I lack the words to say what I feel. I feel unable to express myself physically. Something holds me back. Is it fear of the unknown? Is it fear of inadequacy? Am I too comfortable where I am? I am outgrowing my comfort zone. I have worn it like a cloak for so long, I think I have forgotten how to get out of it. Am I really ready to step out finally - throw caution to the wind, let go and let you lead me where you want us to go. If I jump will you jump with me; will you wait while I catch my breath?

You inspire me.

You make me see me in a different light. In a better light. You inspire me to better myself. You inspire me to have confidence in myself. You inspire me to take actions that I otherwise wouldn't have. Could you actually be good for me?

Thoughts flying through my head. All over. Not making any sense. Thinking this, thinking that, thinking neither.

Determined...

2007-09-17T14:22:00.000+03:00

I remain determined. Determined to learn and post a pic-blog via email now that I appear doomed to internet-less days. So here goes another test blog. A pic clearly reflecting one of my madder days:

Loosing myself?

I have crossed all my appendages that this works. Because if it works, it's goodbye boring days on the job...:)

PS: I am up and running but the gmail and yahoo still have more issues than a female with pms. Help me soon? Unajijua. ;-)

So, Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates. St. Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano come on in. Squeeze through'.

Pavarotti says 'Hold on I've got an envelope for you from the Pope.'

St. Peter opens it up and reads it:

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

Peaceful here

2007-09-14T12:50:00.000+03:00

Feels like it's been a bit since I was last hear. Mhmm.

Today I have no defeated spirit with "I am done" bits - nope. That's the end[, of] HisStory.

Today I am elated. Today I am appreciated. Today I feel happy. Today I feel at peace.

I have a weekend ahead of me and for the first time since I don't know when, less than 24 hours away and I still have no concrete plans. Oh, I have several blissfully sublime plans of getting fitted for a bridesmaid gown (they all getting married around my ears and I had 5-must attend weddings between 1st Sep and 8th Dec - is it because I am the only unwed of the bunch still standing - haha!).

So, now that I have time on my hands suddenly - what do I do? The next time I might be this free again is 13th October!

Over and out.

Ah, now this made my day:

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc".

The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".

The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool."

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!

Done

2007-09-10T10:47:00.000+03:00

I am done.

I don't understand.....I probably never will.

I am done trying to understand.

I am done being patient.

I am done trying to be thoughtful.

Hell, I am done trying.

I am DONE!

New blog celeb?

2007-09-05T11:19:00.000+03:00

I get this email forwarded to me today. I start reading and I am thinking, "Mhmmm, sounds like something a blogger would write". I read on, smile, chuckle and laugh. Then I see Archer's and Mwangi's names and I am going, "U-huh!". So, who's the source of something titled "Funga Chips" which has characters called Sospeter and Wilkisita or something (where did you get those names from!!!). Wanted to let you know your posts are being lifted and passed on as forwards without reference to you - although at least no one's pretending to own them.....yet!!

Otherwise, the boss continues to abscond. Dude should have returned on Monday but he has extended his leave for one more week. On Monday I was shocked. Yesterday I was in denial then pissed. Today I have hit acceptance and resignation.

Which means I continue to hold forte when I thought I'd be able to disappear sometime this week. Especially after the weekend I had last week. Yep, I somehow managed to do all the things on my to-do-list for Sato (and managed the feat of showering four times within one day - although the fourth time was at 3am so does that count? OK - four times between sleeping hours). And the wedding which I attended rocked. Made me re-think....mhmmm, might not be so bad after all - the hooking up bit that is. Still undecided on the other bits that go along with hooking up.

Sunday I crashed completely. Completely. No thoughts. No plans. Some tlc. And BB2. Which reminds me - so Jeff's out of the house. But does make you wonder. I don't know - see I figured it's a competition of personalities. It also has quite a tidy sum waiting for someone at the end of the 98 days. I'd figured I'd give it to someone who deserves it? Or someone who needs it most? Or someone who I figure will put it to really good use. And so far, at least in my opinion, Jeff was amongst the most likely candidates who fit this description (forget the strange exercises - did you see his face cringe when he actually saw himself). Yet he was evicted purely on the premise that he is boring. Huh??? Oh well.

I should just grab my bag and go home. I am in no mood to work today haki.

Here's another forward that cracked me up because it almost hit home....creeeepy.....

Meaning of the 1st alphabet of your name(s)

Does your name begin with: A

You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up-front person. You often don't get hints & you ever pass any. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important for you. You tend to be very practical, & not very emotional. Your choices are very good & can only lead to trouble. You are very self satisfied & egoistic.

Does your name begin with: B

You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments, and particular when it comes to love. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite & feelings. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

Does your name begin with: C

You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to hold out on affection until you receive this. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

Does your name begin with: D

Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full Steam ahead in your suit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvements, sometimes possessive and jealous. You are very sharp & talented often with sense of humour. When people bother to look deep inside they cannot resist what they see. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open attitude. You get jealous of other people and lose your temper .

Does your name begin with: E

Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while-it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important. But once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. You will fall asleep with a good book. sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book to a lover).

Does your name begin with: F

You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find . You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are a favourite fantasy past time. You can be a very generous lover.

Does your name begin with: G

You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active-never tiring out. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to people.

Does your name begin with: H

You seek a mate who can enhance your zest for life, fun & everything you seek for. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. You are very affectionate & very strong. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be very careful with your every move and equally cautious in your involvement's often as you believe that you have to look out for yourself. You are a sensual and patient lover. You will hold off till everything meets your full approval. You are a perfectionist, hard to satisfy and strong in your beliefs. Not influential, you always stand your ground. People can always count on you to stand by them in a crisis. You are a dreamer with/ a passion for life.

Does your name begin with: I

You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshiped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You like necking spend hours just touching feeling & exploring. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of expression. You bore easily and thus require adventure and change. Your commitments don't last very long & you often tend to stray. Loyalty is not one of your strong points. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

Does your name begin with: J

You are blessed with a great deal of physical energy. When used for a good cause there is nothing to stop you, except maybe that they aren't always used for the good. (you could dance all night.) You respond to the thrill of the chase and the challenge of the mating game. You can carry on great romances in your head. At heart you are a roamer and need to set out on your own every so often. You will carry on long- distance relationships with ease. You are idealistic and need to believe in love. You have a need to be nurtured deep within.

Does your name begin with: K

You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. You are very generous & giving, often selfless. You are kind-natured & sweet, which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.

Does your name begin with: L

You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

Does your name begin with: M

You may appear innocent, unassuming and shy; but we know that Appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with the whole idea of love. You can be highly critical of you mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers. You are often selfish, thinking you are always right no matter what. You never give in. Winning is your prime desire- at any cost. You often forget friends and family and you live for the moment.

Does your name begin with: N

You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all-consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of energy is inexhaustible. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You also enjoy mothering your mate. You often have the greatest love affairs all by yourself, in your head. You are very imaginative.

Does your name begin with: O

You are very interested in fun activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your energy into making money and/or seeking we. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Love is serious business; thus you demand intensity, diversity and is willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

Does your name begin with: P

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or Reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those vibes. You are relatively free of hang- ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Does your name begin with: Q

You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people because of their ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

Does your name begin with: R

You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal-the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is not very important to you. You have to be proved to be worthy for a partner. You have a need to prove yourself the best . You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic.

Does your name begin with: S

For you, it is pleasure before business. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and is capable of much sensuality. But you never loose control of your emotions. Once you make the commitment you stick like glue. You could get jealous and possessive. You tend to be very selfish often regarding yourself as the only human being on the planet. You like being the centre of attention. You are very caring sensitive, private & sometimes very passive, turned on by soft lights, romantic thoughts. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role, or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. You are very generous & giving, often selfless. You are kind nature & sweet which is found to be attractive by many. You are a good friend.

Does your name begin with: T

You are very sensitive, private & sometimes very passive. You like someone who takes the lead. You get turned on by music, soft lights & romantic thoughts. You fantasize & tend to fall in & out of love soon. When in love you are romantic, idealistic and extremely mushy. You enjoy having your senses & your feelings stimulated, titillated & teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, all in your own head. Once you put your mind to something you manage to stand by it and see your dreams through. You aren't very good at expressing your feelings. You l! ike things your own way. You do not like change, you like to hold on to things. This may not always be good because if given an opportunity things may develop into great things. You work your way to the top. Attention must be given to what others say because even though you don't want to hear it their advice may turn out to save your life!

Does your name begin with: U

You are enthusiastic & at your happiest when in love. When not in love you're in love with love and always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as challenge. You are a roamer & needs adventure, excitement freedom. You enjoy giving gifts & looking good. You are willing to put others feelings above yours.

Does your name begin with: V

You are individualistic & you need freedom, space & excitement. You wait till you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching her/him out. You feel a need to get into his/her head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. You believe that age is no barrier. You are good at responding to danger, fear & suspense.

Does your name begin with: W

You are very proud, determined & refuses to take no for an answer when it come to love. Your ego is at stake all the time. You are romantic, idealistic, often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner for who she or he really is. You feel deeply about love & tends to throw all of your self into a relationship. Nothing is too good for your lover. You like playing love games.

Does your name begin with: X

You need constant stimulation because you get bored quickly. You can handle more than 1 relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You can do 2 things at once. You are very talented.

Does your name begin with: Y

You are sensual & very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships which doesn't work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation. However, if you can make money you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You have a need to prove yourself the best. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating & romantic.

Does your name begin with: Z

You are very interested in fun activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You feel deeply about love and tend to throw all of your self into a relationship. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You like necking spend hours just touching feeling & exploring. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and conversation to turn you on and keep you going. You are willing to experiment.

Loosing myself....

2007-08-31T12:38:00.001+03:00

I need an organiser. I need time out. I need to breath!!

I feel overworked. Overwhelmed.

I had to cancel three appointments last evening (yes, I somehow thought I could fit in 3 appointments in one evening) because I ended up working really late. So one appointment is set for today lunch (meaning no lunch for me), the other for today evening (meaning my Free-Friday's shot to hell) and the other one is postponed to infinity (meaning I have to create time one day soon to make up for it). Bloody hell, when did I get this busy?

And what should/can I do to stop it?

I was texting a pal trying to get organised for tomorrow then I realised my schedule is something akin to the following: early morning dash to the salon to get the Thing-That-Once-Was-Hair in some semblance of order and if I am to beat the rush I have to get in early, say 8, 830ish. Meaning getting up one hour earlier. This on a Sato morning. Then mad dash back to the opposite side of town - Westlands - to get my utility bills sorted because next weekend I am.....yep, out of town again - otherwise I will be boiling eggs using the sun. Then meet landlord to sort out my rent. Dash back home to change and get - try getting - all prim and pretty. Print our agenda for meeting (reminder: buy ink cartridge some time before this) and back to town for a meeting at 2pm. Hopefully done by 3pm latest. Dash out whether or not we are done for a wedding somewhere in ngong (hence the primming up) where I am - yes, an usher. A very late one but an usher nonetheless. So, I will be on my feet half the time and all the way till evening. Where again I cannot disappear from the evening do because I was missing from the bridal shower which I'd helped organise because I was in Mara. Almost got eaten alive for that. Hopefully I will be able to get away at a godly hour. Sunday morning expecting a client at 9ish, fundi at 10ish and since I've been out of town, laundry must get done lest I am forced to show up in the office in my knickers (twould do the old geezers at the office some good but not a good idea in this weather). And I have not shopped for so long I borrowed salt from my neighbour this week! So major shopping needs to be worked in there somewhere. Then clande has been on my case recently and after three rainchecks, dude's getting impatient. I can bet I will get a call this Sunday. Now, considering that I need to get kissed before the week is out, I somehow need to fit him in somewhere - I am thinking Sunday afte (reminder: check if I need to shower).

So! Where does that leave space for quiet relaxation??? And to think I am single. What happens when people get hitched and babies come along?

Phew. I needed that. Maybe if it's down in writting then it will be possible to get it all done.

Fat chance.

I came clean...

2007-08-28T10:18:00.001+03:00

Yes I did. I figured it would haunt me for a while if I lied about taking Friday off so I came clean....sort of. And I am glad for it. Because Mara kicked. Plain and simple. And despite the fact that I was in recluse-mode; that's when I do not have the heart to really socialise or make new pals so I have this aloof air all around me. I love to do that sometimes because it allows me to just be. Me, myself, my thoughts and nature. Very calming.

But this post aint about Mara - that's one I want to do with pics and all, and I still haven't figured out how to post pics via email. I know, I have so many other posts pending - like Rhino Charge! - I think I am throwing in the towel on those and starting afresh. Clean slate and all.

This post is about a discussion I had over the weekend that really boggled my mind. It's about a couple that got married about three years ago - that aint new. It's about a couple that decided to wait till they got married to get intimate - that's not new too. It's about a couple that shared their first, their very first, very very first real kiss at the alter. Now, that knocked me down! What??? Why???

Am I overreacting here? I will be the first to confess, and I think I have admitted this before - I enjoy kissing. I adore it. Hell, I think I'd trade an arm for a toe tingling, shivers-down-me-spine, heart thumping, stomach clenching kiss if it was the last thing I'd do before I die. And the mystery of that first kiss? The unknown qualities? Like will he kiss softly, tenderly, like a butterfly. Or a quick peck. Or has he watched too many soaps and will go at it like he's drilling for oil down my throat? Will he tantalise, tease, make me wait almost in agony for that first touch or will he swoop in like a thirsty man for water? Will he cup my face in his hands, tilt my face up, or will he trail his fingers down my spine like Yanni composing another aria. Will he be silent, or will he groan, moan or whisper? Whisper my name? Will he lick my lip, or nibble my lower lip? Yumm yum. I am getting kissed before this week is out!

Anyway, like I was saying....er....yes! To wait to have all those questions answered in the presence of a crowd consisting my parents and his!!! I cannot for the life in me imagine being in a relationship or liking someone or being attracted to someone and never sneaking one minute of heaven! More so because having been there and done that, I know for a fact that there's some out there that almost made me swear off the habit for life! So, why would I wait till after I am tied down for life, literally, to find out if its a sneak peak of heaven or a quick ticket to celibacy. Would you?

Disclaimer: No offence or tribalism intended here! The joke's too funny though....

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The kikuyu was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The jang'o was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The kao was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the kiuk and jeng said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the kao if she was going to go with them.

"No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

How do I skive?

2007-08-20T11:23:00.000+03:00

I need to disappear this Friday. I am not sure whether I can ask for the day off. I am actually sure there's a 95% chance I will be turned down .

Why? Because I am practically in charge of an entire department right now. Mhmm, come to think of it, I am in charge of one half of the office. Have been since the start of this month with the mdosi off galavanting overseas for his annual leave. It's hard work. It's also uplifting to know I can be entrusted with this level of responsibility.

Then it's tiring. I need a break. Ergo (always wanted to use/ misuse that word since The Matrix!) the need to skive. I want to go to Mara this weekend. For the Wild Beeste migration. Only thing is the group leaves town on Friday morning. I am expected in the office on Friday. So far I haven't scheduled any meeting for Friday and I do not intend to for obvious reasons.

Only thing is how to get out of coming to the office. I find it hard to lie. Half an hour lie I can hack - full day on a Friday is another story. What excuse should I cook up? There's no way to say I am going on a holiday (much as I really need it).

This is a priceless snap of my feet this past Saturday. I walk into a pals house - remove my shoes and putter all over the place only to realise hours later I had on mismatched socks!!! I thought mismatching socks was a domain left to men? This is proof of my current frame of mind, hence the need to take a break. It is also a test to see if I can post photos on posts done via email.

An old man and his wife were sitting in bed watching a T.V. evangelist and the evangelist said, "To those of you at home watching if you have any part of your body that causes you discomfort then place one hand on the T.V. and the other on that part of your body"

Well the old woman had been having some troubles with her stomach. So she placed one hand on the T.V and the other on her stomach. She looked at her husband and he had one hand on the T.V and the other down his pants.

She looked at him and said: "My dear he's healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

Happy Birthday....

2007-08-13T18:29:00.000+03:00

These are the vagrancies of blogging via email. This blog should have appeared last weekend! On Sato in particular!

Oh well, Happy Belated Birthday Baba Boi - you are the greatest. I am sure you had a good one. And it's lovely to have you back home.

Oh, and many many thanks for my new baby! I will take care of her with all the tenderness and love in me...hehehehe

Home Videos

2007-07-31T10:57:00.000+03:00

I got this email containing very private home photos of a student at one of the Kenyan Universities in the throes of seducing and posing her "man". The story doing the rounds is apparently that the man in question was jilted and in an act of vengeance, he's decided to humiliate her (what else could it be) by sharing those photos with all and sundry. Basically they are on the web that catches everything, spreads it like a bush fire and never forgets.

My first thought was, "This could have been my sister/daughter/cousin/friend!". I guess that's why I immediately deleted them from my inbox and trashbin - I do not want to be part of the chain that's gleefully spreading someone's pain. So, sorry, do not send in requests for forwards tafadhali.

Second was, "What the heck was she thinking!!!". Then it hit me, oh yeah. She was in love. What the F #$%#$%@%!@$#!$#@$!$#$K!!!

Third was, "She waxes."

Seriously though, when did it become the "in thing" to allow photos as such taken of you. All while you are presumably sober. By someone who you are not married to. Aarrghh! I shudder to think that perhaps he's even shared them in the past with The Boyz but back then it was the Boyz's dirty secret. There's already enough porn in this world to keep him well occupied anyway; why add to his stash. Just how many others have been photographed before? He could easily be sending the snaps to porn sites. It boggles the mind.

And when did it become the accepted and manly to humiliate someone you once loved. Honestly methinks it is simply a demonstration of how immature the dude is. I really tried to think of what could have driven him to such extremes and I honestly fail to understand. So he was heartbroken. Bah humbug! Billions of hearts (and pride) have been broken before - and they have proven that they mend. I mean, isn't that the whole point of relationships? That you go in not knowing whether it will really last; that uncertainty is what adds the flavour. So shouldn't you be ready for heart break?

I dont know what to make of this situation. I cannot help but feel sorry for the student - it must be the lowest point of her life.

I think I am either a prude or old. I understand carefree sexy posing - hell, I revel in it. But you unleash a camera and the next course of action will be, "To Bobbit or not to Bobbit, that is the question".

It's been ages since I even shared a joke...and I have plenty. But today it will be a lesson in history. Yep. Giving The Bird 101.

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Yap, I live

2007-07-21T12:24:00.000+03:00

I pinched myself today morning and realised I am still alive. And that a two months have gone by in the blink of an eye since i was last here.

I should get back to normal life. I will, I will, I will, I shall, I shall, I shall.

Modo dearest - I will get back to you on that tag soon. Promise.

Happy Birthday....

2007-06-09T01:51:00.000+03:00

to meeeee....
Happy Birthday to meeeee.....
Happy Birthday to Ichiena!
Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

If there's someone who loves their birthday, it's me. Here's to wishing me another good year now that i have twenty-something years under my bulging belt.

And yes, gifts are accepted (I'm shameless!Hihihi!), and I love all kinds. Best gift I ever received was a home-made coupon idea with stuff like, "I'll brush your shoes for a week", "I'll carry your bag to class twice", "Free movie of your choosing", "Full body massage", "A glorious kiss" and such. Dude sat down, wrote this on a fullscap and perforated the edges of each coupon using a pin. A PIN!! I still sigh when I think of it. Second on the list is the silliest package of a piece of thread, (To hold my clothes together (?)), Some gum, (to remain ever sweet), matchstick (to always stay warm). Yes, these kept me mushy I tell ya - but it is no excuse to send me a thong and a note ati "We are tight like a thong"! LOL!

So last year the gifts kept coming even one month after d-day; let's see if this year will beat that one. In other words, just because I meet you on 12th June does not mean it's too late for my gift, haha!

I am happy! Another year down. A good year too. Have met so many lovely people - outside and more so in blogland. And became thongish with some pals; yet lost some. But I am glad to have known all of them - and given them the opportunity to rub shoulders with me (hehehe!). Then it's been a year full of mingi escapades. Been globtrotting as always - Tranquil South Coast, Kissssumu, Kampala and Baringo. Thinking of doing North-Eastern next.

OK, this was supposed to be a short short short post but wapi! So, finally Happy Birthday to me. Many many more to come God-willing. And it has kicked off on a good start with birthday wishes - two of them bloggers!! You know yourselves - thanks for making my night. You're sweethearts haki!

Now, to two jokes that almost got me fired today:
1. Reincarnation
Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Colin, wake up you drunk bastard, you are shitting in the bed!!!"

2. Who's Smarter Now!
Kenyatta, Moi & Kibaki were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals.The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

Kenyatta came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the 10 fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten.''

The first apple went in.... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

Moi arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.1...2...3...4...5...6...7....8...9 but on the tenth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed..

Kenyatta and Moi met in heaven and Kenyatta asked Moi, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

Moi replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Kibaki coming with pineapples ".

Tagged again....

2007-05-28T22:24:00.000+03:00

So Mocha in all her wisdom decided to tag me. I didn’t do a podcast but came close. Be warned though. Feel free to watch subject to the following disclaimers:

- You may be traumatized by the sight of certain body parts.
- Any reference to my accent (or lack thereof, LOL) and you are dead to me!
- It is incomplete – I ran out of memory (phone and my brain).
- For the avoidance of doubt, the resulting tagees are Spidey, Archer, Wanja Kihii, Unyc, Milo and Bants. And I wanted to throw in a wild card who’s quite the interesting chap and that’s you Kirima. A podcast on 5 reasons why you blog my dears.

Otherwise, I was home over the weekend – home is where my parents are at, in Ngong that is. Nice. Pretty nice. And I got this pic – true Kenyanism, don’t you think?

Home was quite the change from the noisy hustle and bustle of Nairobi life – so peaceful and you actually wake up to the sound of chirping birds and bleating goats. Then I strongly suspect I put on some weight. What is it with mothers and their crusade to feed their kids to explosion. And it’s not just your mother or mine, but all mothers. Actually, most women over 50 seem to be on the same wavelength. They were all ultrathin during their time and now they are trying to fatten us! Anyway, if you think people who are overweight have a problem, then you need to talk to those who never seem to put on weight. There’s nothing as annoying as always being treated like an invalid simply because you are not of the “desired weight” which if my female relatives had their way I’d be 70Kgs and/or over (I’m picturing a honeymoon gone bad after Mr. Ichiena breaks his back carrying me). Never you mind that I am not emaciated or teetering on verge of collapse; or that this has been my constant weight for some years now; or that no doctor has ever raised any concern over my weight. I love my body as is but once in a while I get doubtful due to external criticism. And these can make or break up a person. Really. Having grown up surrounded by beautiful siblings who were constantly being praised by everyone around, I grew up without any confidence in my physical self; the single-minded belief that I was ugly. It seemed to me that whenever anyone commented on my body it was to make fun of my gangly frame (and I was) or criticize my unfeminine self – anything but rarely positive. The positive praise was my brain. I figured that’s why I fared ok in school – I had something to prove, you know.

I eventually grew out of the low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder whether that was the reason for my number 7 (Which raised surprising theories to which the answer, for the record, is no. I love Dick too much). Anyway, the growing pains were an important lesson – unless you have constructive criticism, don’t.

And before I forget, for those clamoring for UG pics, bad news. I rely on a ten year old hand-me-down camera from dad and half my roll got burnt. Yes, I am over it. Nevertheless, long post coming up (dear-Lord-help-me). Good thing is that there are photos on this link. Let's see who amongst you can figure out who I am. Spot Ichiena and there may be a prize in it! Of course if you know what I look like, you are automatically disqualified - unless you are misleading the rest...hehehe.

So, I got back to work today and I am still amazed that I have managed to do this post. I am dying in the office. Have heaps of files threatening to topple over and clients breathing fire. But good news - got a surprise pay rise!!! Not as good as I had hoped so I still hope to get it increased.

And finally (wa! - a short post threatening to get long), looking forward to the holiday weekend. Rhino Charge here we come! What will you be up to?

Aaaand PHEW - WHY MEN'S PROBLEMS ARE RARELY PUBLISHED IN THE "DEAR AMANI COLUMN"!

Dear Amani,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot lately although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I hear a car driving off, as if she was dropped off round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi. I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and to stop checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. Perhaps deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I made up my mind to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Do you think this is something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Deeply Distressed Husband

UG rocks.

2007-05-24T14:47:00.000+03:00

Aaah, that feeling of having taken a good trip and having it all turn out superlicious. I had a lovely time in Kampala. Made so many new pals from UG as well as TZ and Ethiopia (Sorry gal, no cookies were delivered). And danced my heart out the entire time. It's amazing that an invisible line on the ground dividing two countries can make such a difference in cultures and society. Full post and pics coming up soon.

So I return and what do I find? Another tag! And one of the tagors wants a podcast - I don't even know where to start....somebody help me? And pray do tell, this is the last of it.

Anyway, right now I have received summons from Mama Ichiena who is spitting fire because I am on leave and i haven't gone to see her yet. Figured I get my bum there lest she convinces Baba Ichiena to disinherit me!

Toodles!

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, some University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

SS....

2007-05-15T09:23:00.000+03:00

Useless Trivia: Just I was doing this post, I realised the initials SS apply in English (Seven Secrets) and Swahili (Siri Saba). Nice, hey?

A character and another character decided to tag me and have given me restless nights ever since. Yaani, my blog is about my life, drama in my life, me, me and more me (I am shameless). So what more could I possibly share that I already haven't in the past? So, here's some stuff that I have probably already shared before but don't remember...they will just have to do.

1. I have lived in all the major towns in Kenya. Was born in Nairobi, have stayed in Embu, Nakuru, Kisii, Kisumu, Mombasa (both Mombasa Mainland and the Island), back to Nairobi, Ngong (which I hear is in Kajiado) and now back to Nairobi. At some point (during the angry teens) I figured my parents were crooks running away from the law, LOL! So when I hear people talking of having lived in the same home since childhood and having childhood pals, I don't get it. Because of this, my closest pals go back to campus days. Before that, I was flitting through life.

2. I am kidogo obsessive. I can get strange obsessions like a period in my life where i used to count steps. Yep. I had this warped mentality that my legs should deal with steps equally so if I take a flight of eight steps, 4 must be taken with one leg, 4 with the other. If they are an odd number, then I will take three with one leg and next time I use them, I will take 3 with the other leg. I was pretty mad. But that passed.

3. I have never flown and I don't know how to drive. I am old. Trust me, it still shocks even me that I have not bothered to learn. I did go through the phase some time back and did kidogo steering but then I stopped. I don't remember why. I guess it's because I don't really need it right now since I am a walking Kenyan and I remain comfortable that way.

4. I am shortsighted. I used to wear glasses but one day I just put them down and never put them on again. I can be stubborn like that. So now I squint when looking at my toes and I easily pass people on the street because I cannot see them although I must admit I have also used this to my advantage by passing those that I DO know. A character is determined to get me wearing specs again, we will see how this goes.

5. I like challenges but I easily get bored once it's done. The harder it is the better, and if I have to teach myself (my F1 key is the most worn out) even better. Hence the Rubiks Cube, 1000 plus puzzles, Programming (started blogging because of HTML), playing a flute, Sewing, Crossword, Sudoku and Salsa phase. Currently I am in a Swimming phase.

6. I think my name is P. Ichiena i.e. Procrastination Ichiena. I am a procrastinator of the worst kind. I can wait until the very very very very very last moment to do this (like this post...I know if I don't do it now, it's gonna wait till next Monday so here I am!). I still wonder how I managed to get by in school - I used to start reading for exams in the last week!

7. I have never been in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Phew - I am done. This turned out to be rather hard. I want to share yet I am not sure what is sharing too much, or what is being vague. I had to sweat - oops...er...- perspire (:-)) this one out. And the hardest part, who to tag since the regulars all seem to have been tagged. Think I'll go with the hibernators: Wanja, Couch Potato, Don Q and Sis Big bones.

So, now back to business. Kampala here I cooooome.....here's to a safe, fruitful and fun trip. Packing's all done - camera, check; discman (ipod? nini hiyo?), check; CDs, check; passport, check....cheers. Hope to get back within the week, so until then:

Welcome to the family?
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

If only they knew that I kept a box of condoms in my car....

Scam Warning: Man to men
Many of you shop at Nakumatt and you need to be aware of a scam being perpetrated at various Nakumatt sites. I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Nakumatt at the Junction and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Nakumatt . You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over onto the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, and also today. They also plot to rob me again tomorrow.

Pink Dress
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did. And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now. Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the door shut and said;

“Now tell him you have a headache."

And in view of this being an election year, I thought this was rather apt. Don't you?

Ichiena is from Mars AND Venus....

2007-05-09T20:49:00.000+03:00

First off (I need to stop this habit of numbering everything I do and no, that was not the first thing, that was an aside)...first off, that title is very unoriginal. I admit irreverently ripping off of a book by Dave Barry. Any readers out there? This dude cracks me up - his books are just the thing to chase boredom any time any day, especially when you come across the line, "I am not making this up" when he soooo is! Hilarious stuff.

Now, back to the plot. The plot. I have been "writing" this post for 3/4 days so I have forgotten.

Oooh! Yes. Ichiena is from Mars AND Venus. This post was inspired by a comment from a blogger who wasn't sure what I am. And it got me thinking - am I more male or more female? You tell me:

Ichiena is from Mars: I have no feeling for shopping. OK you can stop chuckling. I have no feeling for shopping for clad and I am mostly in jeans and a T - I can go for months on end without buying any new attire; half my wardrobe is from pals (sending a message perhaps?). I own a complete set of tools (a claw hammer, screwdriver set, pliers, the works), I love fixing small stuff around the house. I havent cooked a decent meal since I dont know when. I usually air bolingolette - actually I dont like wearing clothes. I can shower and be out of the house in 15 minutes flat (fully clothed!). I have perfected the art of zoning out mid-conversation even if I grunt the occassional appropriate response. At one time I had 2 pairs of shoes.

Ichiena is from Venus: I have no care for sports, any sports unless walking and dancing fall within sports. I keep my nails feminine long and manicured. I own over 20 pairs of stockings/tights/leggings. I have boobs and my back is not hairy. I am a sucker for Harlequin/Romance novels - it's called "getting-some-via-osmosis". I can yap with the best of them, though I am not Nollywood status.

Other Useless Business (OUBs)
1. I was watching American Pie 4 (sucks) and heard this new word which I just had to Wikipedia. Let's just say interesting reading and do read with caution.

2. If you haven't watched Wild Hogs please make a point for a good laugh. The skinny dipping. LOL!

3. Thanks to White African, I have learn that...er...my exploits (sic!) are now in a computer game!

4. The joke for today:
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman

Finally, it's Mother's Day this weekend. Someone sent me this and it penetrated the layers and touched me somewhere. Happy Mum's Day to all Mum's out there, including ma gal MGN - congrats on the latest addition to the family. We will soon come cooing appropriately.

TO BE A MOTHER
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of starting a family. "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé; or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child-care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest-room.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs..

I want her to know that a Caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God... that of being a Mother.

Contented

2007-05-06T16:15:00.000+03:00

And now I can confirm we are trully back. I've gotten up ready to get a kick out of life. The lips (the upper ones) are back to normal size lakini hard like a goat's hide. Any suggestions on how to get them back to kissable soft? Any volunteers to test them (mhmm, where is argh).

But I am excited because:

1. My sick pal is getting out of it. She walked a distance jana and smiled and cooked and...well, she's back.

2. Spiderman 3

If you havent watched this movie yet and still intend to - close this window. Close it now. You have been warned.

I caught Spiderman 3 on premier night. I am a Spiderman lunatic - actually I am an action-figure movie junkie but I have been hooked on Spidey ever since that first upside down kiss (Mr. Ichiena-to-be had better have some upside-down moves up his sleeves). And it delivered. Mhmmmmm.
- Best line:
"That's not the position I hired you for"

- Funniest scene:
1. Spidey dancing after shopping spree.
2. The proposal that never was. I almost rolled out of my seat.

- Huuuh? Moments:
1. Sandman going off scot free? Now how.
2. Harry survived an explosion?
3. And still on dude - his face didnt heal fast despite his powers?
4. All it took was a butler(???) to change destiny?

- Yawn moments:
1. Dude taking forever to die despite explosions, turning good, yadayada...
2. The seductive dance - Tobey has one left foot. And no other foot. Like watching a bad episode of Dancing with the Stars. Yuck.

- Sad moments:
1. Sandman discovering he's sand; dude trying to get up....sniff sniff.
2. They trashed the sacred kiss - how could they. All I could do not to stomp off. Men are all the same; even Spidey!

- The end (Go watch the movie, or wait for your usual spoiler, hehehe) Wacha the experts do their review.

Nevertheless, it was a feel good movie - it delivered. I didn't walk out feeling cheated (Alexander the Great!!!). But still I did not feel an irresistible urge to clap like I did in Pirates 2, so let's wait for 24th for the final verdict between Spidey and Captain Jack.

3. It's May - movie month my dears. First Spiderman 3 has kicked it off well enough. Now looking forward to Pirates 3, Shrek 3 (I think I have watched the first one 5 times if not more), Simpsons, Fantastic 4, Harry Potter (shudddup you!), Bourne Ultimatum, Transfomers, Oceans 13, bliss I tell ya. Pure bliss.

4. Buggering off to Champara - the land of bananas - in the course of this month. Any opportunity to travel far and wide I love, love, love.

5. Yaani I love lists, I wikipediad it! So, does this mean I am subconsiously managing time?

OK, I have reached End of Thinking Capacity and all the wonderful things I wanted to write on have gone out of my head. I wish me a good week - after missing work for one week...the boss will be happy to see me.

Talking Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

Nasty

2007-05-01T13:14:00.000+03:00

After all the "new posts" I have attempted to put up recently, I have given up on doing any.

But today I got blogmojo from the most unexpected quarters. A big fat lip. And no, that is not a metaphore - in fact, here's a pic of the lip (taken by an ameature camera).

I woke up today with a big fat lip. I got up and went to the bathroom and burst out laughing. Laughing because I kept thinking up stuff like - my lips look like they were stung by a bee; like a liposuction gone bad; hell, like the sort a plastic surgeon would advice that I consider shifting fat from my lips to my hips! And I laughed because life's been so nasty lately, I have no more energy to get depressed. And just like I said once upon a time, I have to look at the bright side of life, so:

1. It was a good thing the office server crashed for a week and we were out of commission and living like neanderthals because i discovered that the grey funny looking thinga-majiga next to the photocopier in the store is a working typewriter - who knew!!

2. And while still on that, I learnt to talk in a pleasant voice through ground teeth and proved once for all that I have no need to richen some dentist because my teeth will probably survive a nuclear attack.

3.It was a good thing I got a strange case of "It comes from the bowels, like a bullet from a gun!" which meant a visit to the doc, prescription medicine and viola! A new untested and undiscovered and, I bet, futuristic rash. Caused by the medication. All good because there's a lot of cash to be made from getting an antidote?

4.And, come on, my flash disk crashing, with 1 GB or 4months worth of data, and on Friday the 13th. Honestly - that was just Godsent, ama? It got me organised finally. I managed to delete all 25 duplicates of the same documents which were clogging my harddrive.

5. And about the same time, my internet link went AWOL so I figured it was a good time for me to clean up the hard drive after all the procrastination. So like a bright gal I thought I was, I saddled up the laptop and went off to a Java. Settled in and started digging through the mountain of emails. But then - "Low Battery" and I thought, not to worry. Simply get out my electric cable and get back to work. But wait a minute! That aint my laptop's cable. Smart me had picked up the wrong cable. And no amount of cursing, whining, twisting, praying or crying could magically turn up the correct cable. But at least I managed to get a good breakfast.

6. So it finally sunk in and I took myself to a bureau. Good thing I have a memory stick that can double up as a flash disk. Got settled again, logged in and started going through the emails. Then. Black out. Good thing it happened because I realised I can shout "Fukc" loud and clear in public.

7. Then of course while all this was going on, I decided I had had enough and had to go and get something for the futuristic rash. Went to the doctor who prescribed more medication. The result being me up at 3am in the morning. Seated on my bed. Diligently scrubbing away at both my feet with the foot scrub. What's the good side of this you ask? Well, I managed to catch up on some reading which i had been putting off forever.

8. But the best was waking up today morning and seeing the above on my face. In addition to the itchy feet (yeah yeah....itchy Ichiena....very funny), I got a swollen lip. Two swollen lips. Two swollen lips with feet. Two swollen lips with feet about to walk all over my face. So, the good thing about this is that i was able to laugh about it. And i was able to write about it.

And that's looking at the bright side of life. There's always something to laugh about.....

The Blonde
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

SCIENTIFIC STUDY:
A leading South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study that has been published in a leading scientific journal in the US, has discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late ...

Same Difference
A Chinese went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, My dad perished in that bombing!". "I am not Japanese. I am Chinese!". "Yeah yeah yeah..... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, You are all the same." Retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later the Chinese turned round, and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor. "What was that for?", exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the 'Titanic'. I had ancestors on that ship!", the Chinese replied. "You ignorant man, Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!", shouted the director. "Yeah yeah yeah.....Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg...you are all the
same!!".

Father John
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

And finally.....

2007-04-20T13:50:00.000+03:00

Back. Phew.

Hibernation

2007-03-16T13:43:00.000+03:00

Phew! Ichiena's probably lost more weight these past few weeks with all the running around. It all ends this Sunday (like I've been saying for so long!). For those who expressed an interest in Bowling this Sunday, tafadhali beba socks and sneakers if you can. A large crowd is expected, they will probably run out of bowling shoes.

So, blog winter's almost coming to an end and for that I say...........

......................yes, it could be worse.

And to share the laughs that have kept me sane:

Lunch Time
A Kikuyu man, a Kalenjin man and a Luhya man were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Kikuyu said, "Githeri and cabbage! If I get this one more time for lunch, I`m going to jump off this building".

The Kalenjin opened his lunch box and exclaimed: "Ugali and mursik again! If I Get this again for lunch I going to jump off too!"

The Lunje opened his lunch and said: "Chicken ugali again! Man, if I get this again for lunch I`m jumping with you guys!"

The next day the Kikuyu opens his lunch, sure enough, Githeri and cabbage and he jumps off the building.

The Kalenjin opens his lunch, sees his mursik lunch and he jumps too.

The Lunje opens His lunch, sees the chicken ugali and joins his co-workers in death.

At the funerals the Kikuyu`s wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how much he hated Githeri and cabbage I would have never fixed it for him again!"

The Kalenjin's wife is heartbroken, crying and says, "I could have just as easily fixed him chapati and beef. I didn`t realize he hated mursik with ugali so much."

Everyone turned to the Lunje's wife. "Hey don't look at me", she says, "He always made his own packed lunch!"

25 Things That Men Wish Women Knew
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing
from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done -- not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

More Ramblings...

2007-03-08T22:23:00.000+03:00

Aco, this is one of those I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered post…..bite / bait / spank me…..hehehe. Best be off dear. You have been warned.

Lakini stress levels combined with laziness to blog have reached an all time high. Life is jam-packed with so much activity I actually made a statement last week that I will never ever repeat, “I wish there were more working hours in a day”. This was done during a lucid and sober moment in the middle of a working day. My colleague is yet to pick his bottom jaw from the floor.

So, what’s been happening this side of the asylum? After a frighteningly busy week, got down to a madder/murder weekend, starting with Friday evening where I was in charge of a little get-together which ended at Club Soundd. Kwani Nairobians do not rave anywhere else in town? And what’s with the minute dance floor being smack in the centre of the room? Anyway, ‘twas like the entire city had come out to play. At Club Soundd. Hooters next door was deserted (though after waiting almost an hour for my order, I understand why). After demurring for kedo (wa, that word I have lifted from the archives) an hour, I got down and dirty shaking my non-existent toosh on the floor. Worked up quite the sweat while at it too, hehehe. Uvundo I tell ya. Clock struck midnight and I was out like Cinderella.

Sato, I was in town by 6am. Yes, 6am. Some mad part of me had volunteered to participate in the Rotary Rally for the Physically and Mentally Challenged. This is an annual event which is a fun day for school age children with the said disabilities. On Saturday we had approximately 3,000 children in one arena. There’s nothing comparable to the feeling of giving back to society. (Which reminds me – is there anything like selfless giving? If you give and announce it to the world, does it water down the “giving” since you are getting something back, even if it is only ego-stroking moments? And if you give silently, but still derive pleasure from doing so, or feel holier-than-thou or goody-two-shoes, no matter how private that feeling is, does it negate the “selflessness” of the giving? So what is “selfless giving”?)

Anyway, had a blast. The most poignant moment for me was when one of the kids got so excited about a butterfly I painted on half their face (yes, I dusted the cobwebs off my art lessons and was designated face painter for the day) they hugged me without warning. Speaking of cobwebs, all the boys wanted spidey and I think I can now do it ok. Dude, want a spidey face for premier night? (yes, I am counting down the days to Spidey 3…NuMetro are already talking of a World Premier show with tickets approximately 1K or 1.2K). Another highlight was getting MY face painted. I was a blue/green cat for the day…mhm mhm mhm…purrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh…At the end of the day I was so tired, I passed out on (not under!) a table somewhere in NCBD environs mid-supper and practically sleepwalked home afterwards and only managed to get back into my bed after 10pm.

Come Sunday, I was in town at 11am. Doing what you ask? Going for my swimming classes (I am determined to get over deep-water-fear this year. Of course, there’s also the bit of the great migration southwards of what’s left of my toosh so it’s operation No-More-Lard). Saturday I was on my feet for 12 straight hours + swimming is exercise = Ichiena-zombie. And to top it all, despite my dark dark dark…er…blue black complexion, I have managed to achieve a peeling nose. (The most annoying thing this week is people keep telling me there’s “something” on my nose!!. It’s a layer of my nose!!). That took a good part of the day. Come evening, no rest for me yet. Went to must-attend-or-be-killed-dinner where I was expected to hobnob with the who’s who (in my books), smile and understand kenyanised wengs. Two highlights though; one being dinning under the stars. Niiice! When I grow up I want an open balcony I can dine on. Highlight number two – argh was bartending. At my beck and call! No, I wasn’t nasty. All’s forgiven (he apologized some time back, rather sweetly I might add, which he had to do after I unleashed quite the torrent and I can be the expert at ranting), we are cool. He’s back in my good books (BOOKS….nothin’ else. The ship has sailed). Still, it was a collection of PUB (Pure Unadulterated Bliss) moments. Got back home and in bed at midnight. So by my rusty mathafu, I had no weekend to talk of.

Come Monday and…who am I kidding. Mondays do not exist in my world. “I am” on Monday. So, come Tuesday, elections of this project I am a part of and who’s in charge? Mhmmm. It all went well (we stay out of any fruity business) but the sheer agony of organizing it.

I got up today and wondered whether it was Wednesday or Thursday. In February or March. And realised maisha yanipita tu. I needed to log this down so that I can look back one day and remember I lived.

PS1: To those who sought me out, thanks. I am fine. When I die you will be the first to know (just like all our parents were number one in school).

PS2: To those who caused because I have been stingy with the jokes supply, laugh to your fill below.

PS3: Eeeek! Tato – I have just realised I have done what you once warned me about!

PS4: Ati there’s going to be an earthquake across Nai?

PS5: What’s with aggregator and free smses sites?

1. Assicons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

2. The Atheist
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help me..."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

3. LEARN TO ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION
First-year students at a Med College were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around thesurgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it,and stuck it in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

TGIF!

2007-03-02T06:44:00.000+03:00

He! It has been one long week. One during which I overslept one weekday. Picture getting up, checking your watch expecting to see 6.10 or even 7.10 and seeing 8.10am!

8.10am!!!! I literally shrieked those words, lept out of bed and dashed to the bathroom. Good thing the male usurper had left because he'd have had a shock at the sight of me nguoless (i fear strangulation in sleep. I once woke up to find my knee joint out of the socket. True story. And I blame mingi clothing to date). Anyway, got the bathroom and had that agonising minute debating, to shower or spray...hehehe. Aaaah, but I saved the nastiness for another day - I brushed my teeth! Fast Forward and I shamelessly strutted into the office over an hour late (I figured I was already late anyhow).

So, I was wondering. What happened to my body clock? Do you have a body clock? Ama it's only me who has the habit of somehow always managing to get up just a minute before the alarm goes off (ok, so it's set at 7am by which time the traffic alone is enough to wake me up but still). Ama when you have gotten used to getting up at 3am or 5am to chop, somehow your body knows that time and you find yourself waking up at appointed hour without fail? Who, what, how is the body clock set? And can we "switch" it off. (It annoys me to no end. I love my sleep to the very last minute. So waking up earlier than planned, albeit even by a minute, and I am ongezaring another 10 minutes of sleelp, hehehe). Baba Boi, this one's for you to scratch your scientific mind around and get me an answer pronto.

And now to harp shamelessly. This is my space - sue me.

I love giving back to society. One way is through organising charitable events and the like, and i find Rotaract and Rotary a good avenue because the mad people there! Anyway, they are organising a Bowling event at Village Market (I hear it's called Vima - no, Mwalimu, that's not a twisted sheng word like for....er... like risto) on Sunday 18th March '07. Tickets will go for 500 bob. The funds raised are for the management of the Rotaract VCT Centre located on 5th Floor of Phoenix Hse, Kenyatta Avenue. By the way, that's the only VCT Centre in town and was voted the best of '06. So, want to support a worthy cause in a fun way - come join us that Sunday. I'll be the one crying over my broken nails.

And finally, this being the start of a weekend, thought you might find the following handy...hehehe...

What could possibly be worse than....

2007-02-27T18:17:00.000+03:00

.....having your molar pulled out by a female dentist suffering from PMS?

A wedding. Yep. A wedding, that's what. Especially if you are female. Especially if it's the wedding of a female related to you because your great great great great great grand father and her's wore the same akalas. Especially if her relatives and yours are one and the same. Especially if she is younger than you by a number of years. Especially if you are attending such real or imagined wedding on your own (your handbag or cellphone or sister, cousin, brother, gardener does not count). Especially if you have not stated, are in no danger of stating, might never state the words "I do" while holding someone's hand up in the air (what's up with that?). Especially if all other females in attendance born cirka your year of birth all come endowed with a requisite accessory - a man (qualities are not an issue here. He comes with three legs and you are through).

Oh, there's nothing worse. Yet, while armed with this information, I dared tread where no single woman over 20 should dare venture. Everything was criticised from my bony shoulderblades, my hips or lack thereof, my long claws, my strawlike nywele, my corny feet, my bad skin....and this was before I got to the ceremony! Phew. Talk about being hang to dry. All the "aunts" suddenly become chummy and the entire event becomes Operation-Get-Ichiena-Married. Imagine an aunt popping up with a dude in tow and insisting on introducing you, "Yes, this is Ichiena..mhmmm! She's a qualified XXYY. Goes to church at ABCD. Works for 456." I had an experience where a pals mum came to my office - my office! - with her nephew in tow and insisted that we exchange numbers and promise to call one another. I kid you not. Of course, i always think, if dude is spineless enough to warrant an introduction through an aunt will there be a stiff bone on him?

Anyway, I cut the nonsense short by telling one of the "aunts", who I am certain acquired this title just for this occassion, that I love paka. Now, as to how fast this will get back to my mother.....

In conclusion - anyone i can hire for the next wedding? Males need not apply!

And since this was a wedding post, here are some wedding jokes...hehehe.

The Honeymooners
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

Ten Husbands, Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Oh, and finally, I passed by the castle and those pick-up lines reminded me of these put-down ones:

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

Bah Humbug!

2007-02-14T13:31:00.000+03:00

So it's Vals again. Like I said,

Bah Humbug.

Lakini I have received some gems I must share.

A. A hilarious word of advice
Ladies...... just a piece of advice today. As valentines approaches, please note that there are two people you should NOT fall in love with:-

1. John Githongo - the fellow will tape your whole affair, and release it to the press in pieces.

2. James Kamangu Ndimu - this fellow might come to haunt you 20 years later when you have made it all alone.

B. These are entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for two line rhymes with most romantic first line, but least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

C. Then I received these pics! Made my day:

5. Beware what you swear to on the wedding day

4. If taken literally...

3. If we were all truthful...

2. What you will be saying 10 years down the line...

1. And the winner is...

D. And someone who knows how to please a mama..
Cognac laced chocolate people! Getting high under the bosses' nose! A major highlight I dare say.

Fissssssssing....

2007-02-10T07:58:00.000+03:00

Yipeeeeee!!! Off to Naivasha. To go fissss.

I know - it aint no big deal, shouldnt be. But then you have no idea who my galz are. They are specially created I tell you. They are a mad bunch, and woe to the man who dares enter their lair when they are grouped together....mwehehehehehee - they will dissect you papo hapo, by the time you get back to normal life, it will be two months down the line and your boys may still not have ascended back.

OK, they ain't so bad. Lakini...tsk, tsk, tsk!

Anyway! We have finally managed to put something together as a group and we are going to Naivasha. Some come encumbered - can you imagine making plot and you are told, "the beau, baby, bwana, ayah....has to come.", "Overnight! I cant", "I cannot use public means!!", "Do we have a program of activities"(wtf???).

For me who's a get-up-and-go mama, at one point I was sure it aint ever gonna happen (it's been almost 10 long years I tell ya); was pulling my hair out (so now i have a bald spot on the left). Imagine a group of nine mamas - 3 spicy (i.e. the spouses are connected at their hips and are coming along) and 6 kienyeji (i.e. encumberances have been left to take care of the babies, hehehe). And they proceeded to buy keroro directly from KWAL - wholesale I tell ya.

Which is why the fissssssing part. I will probably be fishing mamas out of a lake the entire weekend. As a precaution, i have had the encumbrances sign disclaimers (I will not be held accountable for any disappearing women). Anyone with some tough industrial fishing net i can borrow?

Haya! Lovely weekend y'all.

Keep the Motor Running?

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby.
The nurse said to the man: "At your age, how do you do that?"
The man answered: "You just have to keep the motor running".
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby.
The same nurse said to the man and asked: "You are something else, how do you do that?". He said: "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running".
Another year and back to the hospital for another baby.
The same nurse said: "You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!".
He said: "You got to keep the motor running".
She answered: "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black".

I need a hobby

2007-02-04T09:39:00.000+03:00

Yes, something to while away my time; something to expend my excess chakra on; something to keep me occupied in a good manner; something that might, or might not need batteries; something to ensure that the foot I have recently taken to dangling out of the BTrain is safe and sound back in the train. Please pay attention. I use the term, "something"; not "someone".

I have concluded I self destruct. I like it that way, I think. What am I going on about?

Let's see, I had a most terrible weekend recently and I survived it none the worse for wear. But some of the things that happened in that weekend got me thinking (yes I do think, thank you very much!) and following internal/infernal arguments, discussions, assessments, mental discourse, wendawazimu, call it whatever you like, I have come to the conclusion that I have an inborn self destruct mechanism. That would be the only explanation for the type of jamaa I get drawn to (this be the point where you should mutter, "A dude! Figures!" and trot on to the next post).

I go for Bad Boys. And not regular Bad Boys ("Honey, I forgot it was your birthday/valentines?) but the Really Really Bad Boys with power foam ("Who are you again and where/when/how did we meet?"). The kind you introduce to your mum as the "neighbour" (why is it that mothers presume neighbours cannot be Potential Male Accessories (PMAs)?) when he emerges from the kitchen in his boxers and the sugar bowl.

But I digress. As I was saying, I have the knack to draw them in like flies too (which would make me what, poop?). Give me a nice guy who couldn't be sweeter and I don on the Pal-goggles. Chapter closed. This is who I am and because of it I will be knitting leg warmers from homegrown wool (landscaping will not be a necessity after all!) when I am 60 for my 16 kittens. Bah humbug! I realised that and I accept that. (I just haven't figured out how to break this bit of news to the Fockers et al...)

That settled, question is, why the lure of the RRBBs? Is it because of the tried, tested and failed theory of oh-I-want-to-be-the-one-to-change-them-into-settledownable-men? I sincerely do not think so. And I can say this because once they do change into settledownable I bail. Faster than you can say, "Quiiiiiick". Actually, I am never around for that part.

Which then leads me to my latest theory. I do it because I am self destructive. Think about it. With a nice guy, there is a high chance of getting sucked in, settling, getting comfy, falling in love and all that mish mash. And when it doesn't work out you need a new broom (long handle and bristles variety) to gather the shattered pieces. I will be forever tormenting myself wondering, "He was so perfect; what, when, why, where, how?" With an RRBB on the other hand, there's no room to get comfy. You know it, the RRBB knows it, the kombamwikos know it. It doesn't work out, if there's any attempt to work something out, and you move on with maisha muttering, "It figures...I knew it...It was just a matter of time". And that's what makes them attractive - I know hapa hakuna kutekwa nyara. RRBB is not going to make any effort and if that pisses me off in the short term (yes I will still get inexplicably pissed off even if the writing's tattoed on his forehead; sue me, my defense will be that I am a woman after all), in the long term I will be glad to see the last of him.

Lakini I have fikad etc with that theory. Could there be another one? At this point, I need to figure out is whether I want to change and if so, how do I go about it. You cannot force matters of the NaHu-...er...mhmmm..ahem!...the heart.

Filosofia ya Ichiena imeletwa na nini? I met Argh (And yes. I know! The disgust in AAAAaaaaaarghhhhhhh has shortened with time! Tsk tsk!). The inevitable happened just like I always knew it would and we had to breath air within 10 feet of each other for 3 hours. Oh, no mind, no drama. We (being Ichiena normal, Ichiena pissed, and Ichiena horny) were cordial, friendly, playfull even - considering the circumstances. But it took only the first hour for me to realise he still has sexy eyes, bloodshot and all, but still sexy (my RRBBs are somehow usually high achievers in their field (be it as a bank thief or as a watchman), medula finely tuned, bold (hakuna cha kufyeka compound kabla ya kufikia kichaka - they zone straight in) and invariably own shares in KBL owing to full mwenjoyos hence the bloodshot eyes). And the cutest smile. Eeeeeek! It hit me that I would not mind, nay, I was contemplating a repeat session - wtf!!! It could be that the (Ich2+Argh4)squared is really still there - ama I need to disembark this train. I kept muttering, "Heart Throb (yep, a new TDH PMA in the horizon, he after my own...), HT, HT, HT..." like a mantra. An hour longer and I would have had thumb firmly stuck in an orifice - any orifice - knees bent, and rocking. Sixty-one minutes longer and this post would have been about the repeat session. I chalk it down to the fact that all the blood in my system has taken an extended leave to Holland and it is yet to return. Oh, and it didn't matter that the new PMA epitomises RRBB even more than Argh ever will. Almost like being tempted with Tusker and mantaring, "Kumi Kumi, KK, KK, KK..."

Still, I am mightily pissed. At myself. I cannot, and should not, be getting up to DIY courtesy of Argh! Or anyone else for that matter. Hii mpaka iwe pruned here and now. Haki.

And Ichiena is always right.

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Here's Looking At The Bright Side

2007-01-30T10:44:00.000+03:00

I have a lot to be thankful for because it surely cannot get any worse….

1. I bumped into Arrrrggghh over the weekend. It was inevitable but twice in one day? Yes, twice. First time he didn’t see me so I didn’t bother – I broke into a cold sweat and furiously walked on. Second time, being two hours or so later (how do you manage not to bump into someone for over three months and then when you finally do it happens twice in one day??), there was no escaping. I restrained myself from wringing his neck (to begin with...) and so I passed the opportunity to lodge at Kamiti Maximum Prison.

Thankfully, he got out of his car to hug me and was met with an outstretched hand and cordial smile. He probably expected a war cry and a panga so Ichiena working 3Ps - prim, proper and pleasant was a triumph. Small triumph I know but still - triumph.

2. I got new clad. I washed them. One of them had other ideas and decided to copulate/share. So, viola – all my new clad is now tie and dye. In pink angry splotches.

Thankfully I needed new floor rugs.

3. I got up on Monday morning and for a moment I mistakenly believe that I must be dreaming – what’s that sloshing wavelike sound I hear? Why’s the carpet a darker shade than usual? Why does the floor feel wet? My sis left the kitchen tap on (remind me again why I should not throw her out?) I have wall to wall carpeting – yes. Not to forget several other area rugs. Let that sink in. And, yes, the entire house was flooded. Half an inch of water everywhere. Let me just explain what cleaning up entailed – dragging out all earthly belongings and then a dripping impossibly heavy wall-to-wall aint no joke. Underneath it is pvc which was at that time afloat. And underneath that is red oxide floor that has been soaked. Everything water splashed on turned blood red in an instant. I had to call in late at the office meaning more work pileup when I finally got in. My back hurt, my hands hurt, everything hurt. Oh, and this is the time the siblings chose to believe it's my house - I deal with it. They all suddenly had things to do like work/school/rave/taking the dog for a walk/flight to the moon....

Thankfully, the house was due for a thorough cleaning. Thankfully, there’s no stench. Thankfully the kombamwikos have moved out in protest.

4. Got into the office at 10.30am. Worked like crazy. I kicked off by running printed copies of completion documents for a meeting scheduled for noon. Then I get the call. The client decided they wanted to go with Plan B on the transaction. So all the time put into preparing and finalising the documents for Plan A (and I did this over my weekend break), was all for naught.

Thankfully I was running out of draft paper. Thankfully I am paid by the hour.

5. Quick dash home over my lunch break to grab a bite and to make sure the house hadn’t burnt down going by my track record thus far. My phone fell into a bucket of water. It’s dead. Hence the undercover – I have no access to phone numbers. I need to have it seen by a fundi or something soonest. It’s going to cost me. I don’t know if it will work again. All my contacts are saved on the handset.

Thankfully, I have been considering getting another handset. Thankfully, I now have a perfect excuse for not returning calls, missing texts, skipping meetings, being late, forgetting birthdays, not brushing my teeth…

6. They say bad things happen in three. And so they did to me. In two sets of threes. The last straw was when another virus invaded my atmosphere. Irritated me for two long hours.

I am still thankful nevertheless. Thankful that at number 6, the bad streak must now be over. Thankful that, despite the thao horrors of surfing, I still come across gems like the one below to make me smile.

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read:

'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read:

'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' "

The case was dismissed.

Landscaping decisions

2007-01-24T23:44:00.000+03:00

This post has been shamelessly inspired by Milo’s. Yes, I am completely unoriginal – sue me.

N’ways, reading about bolingos being coochied threw me to the other side of the coin – the bolingolette, if you may. This piece of biology probably resulted in the first case of someone humming, “My My My Ma Ma Myyyyyyyyyy” – no wait. That was Johnny Gill. I meant shouting “LordGodAlmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty!!!!!!!!!”. Whether in pain or in pleasure is a story for another day.

Now, bolingolette is a loner and prone to boredom. She needs entertainment, nay, she demands it. She has an entire fan club whose members salute the very thought of her.

But even of more importance, she needs a nice secure welcoming home. This is clearly a case where you need to judge a book by its cover. Overgrown weedy compounds, though once the norm – before the Great Rift Valley that is – are no longer acceptable. Due to many painful, surprising, shocking, horrific lessons from the past, it is now generally expected that all compounds will be neat and kept trim. The decision on how high to let the weeds grow came about after cases of:

Plague

Rodents! Auuuuuuu! No amount of ratkill, doom or even the Pied Piper can get rid of the little crits. Of all the plagues known to man, the Great Plague of NaHuKos is the worst, so fatal it is that not only can it wipe out entire generations before they are conceived, but it is said that it also leads to the unwarranted fasts forcing some landlords to resort to DIY and you know females are still trying to figure out which end of a hammer goes into the socket.

And can you picture this: bolingolette and member enjoying a lovely afternoon chat. Getting on like a house on fire and suddenly member starts scratching like he’s on fire???

It aint rugby

Yes, landlords have regretfully learnt that a majority of bolingolette’s club members get grass burns from rugby and rugby alone. A stroll through bolingolette’s compound should be no reason, or opportunity, to think of a man’s locker room. The very sight of foliage may induce such images in a member’s mind, more often resulting flu-like symptoms such as droopiness, the shakes and even shriveling. Unless it is one day discovered that the weed is of economic value, i.e. it can be harvested, exported and smoked, the grass has to go.

Treasure hunts

Many a treasure hunt has been abandoned for the lack of a map – which is what you would need if you were on a sojourn through the wilderness. The search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow – scratchy though the ride may be – need not read like a safari through the jungle. A fan can only endure so many grazes and scratches. Which leads me to the next scenario.

Blind man’s buff

When things are thick and thicketed lost members have been known to take desperate measures. Not one to stop and ask for directions, or God forbid, confirm that they are lost. Like using the back door. Auuuuuuuuu!

And so we live in an era of trimmed lawns.

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"Don't laugh!" said the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at my patient."

"Okay then," the patient said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I am so so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise this will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

To which the patient replied...

"It is swollen,"

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Overheard at the ongoing WSF:

“We are not even agitating for legalization of gay unions yet. It’s not time for that. What we would really like is a consideration in the budget reading – just like they give to those living with AIDS. The government should seriously consider lowering the price of lubricants….”

@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#

Pick – up line: I’ll be Osama. You be a cave. Let me hide inside you.

Mchongoano: “I ain’t fat! Hell no.” Indicating his girth. “This is my d**k wrapped around me.”

Of resolutions

2007-01-09T07:04:00.000+03:00

I finally got off my lazy rump and realised why I was scared of making resolutions this year. I have done it all before and failed miserably (clarification, I was not actually miserable, the failure was). So, this year, I am determined to succeed. What better way than making resolutions which I am sure I will succeed at!

Here goes:

I will not buy gifts for anyone this year, or remember holidays, birthdays, weddings, valentines and the like. In fact, like I said before - yes Mocha! I repeat - Happy New Year, Happy Valentines, Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Good Morning X 365 days, Good Afternoon X 365 days, Good Night X 365 days, I don’t have money X 365 days, and Merry Christmas. I am done with you for 2007!
I will watch my weight - yes. I know I can watch mine. Grow.
I will try hard to figure out my boss’s patience threshold. This will be accomplished by not meeting deadlines, regular tardiness, power naps in the office, hawking eggs in the office and the like. If I get fired, almost fired, warning letters - I will know.
I will become a Take-Out connoisseur. Steers, Nandos here I come - no, scratch that. Come to me.
I will help the world by conducting a detailed and practical study on child-labour to figure our the root cause and the effects. The siblings have acquiesced, acceded, obliged and consented to be the guinea pigs.
I will save. No buying books, newspapers, magazines - the local vendor’s stand will suffice. Oh, and no buying phone credit so if I dont call, sms, email you know it's for a worthy cause. Alternively, I will call from the office, which should help with 3 above.
I will learn all the functions on the TV remote, the VCR remote, the DVD remote, the DSTV remote, the PVR remote and the ….
I will remember to give thanks for my friends. Particularly those who make me feel pampered, satisfied, happy, spoilt, rich and retired.
I will be a better friend - always there for my friends. And what better way than spending quality time together. Call me (I am saving airtime) we confirm which month of the year I will be spending at your place.
I intend to be social. I should be in a position to make intelligent conversations with everyone at all levels of sobreity or lack thereof. Thus, I will learn the taste, feel, texture of all alcoholic drinks known to man.

Really, can I fail?

^&^&amp;amp;amp;amp;^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&

Generics

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Blog Justice

2007-01-05T17:53:00.001+03:00

"….No!" EGM guffawed. "No Don Q – you haven't heard half the story. I tell you, there is more to that story. After the meet up and all the hullabaloo the post on that caused, it all spiraled out of control and Aegeus was brought to justice. The Ichiena way!"

It's now Don Q's turn to look shocked, "Ati brought to justice! Really EGM! Surely you exaggerate. What's your source anyway?"

"I am the source. I was there. And you could say I was a star witness! And I have the photos to prove it too."

"For real! Do tell. I am all ears."

EGM starts fidgeting with his white bow-tie (it turns out that white bow-ties are his specialty after all). "Aaaah, Don. It's a rather long story. And I don't have the ti-"

Don Q jumps in, "There'll be strawberry crepes in it for you!"

At which EGM immediately responds, "Now why didn't you say that from the start! OK, let's see…. it's really funny actually – that Aegeus. He was actually trying to protect sensibilities of others. For example, Gishungwa was not knitting a bottle warmer – the size of that thing! I think it was a kibuyu warmer – you know for her kibuyu of muratina?"

Don Q starts jumping up and down, quite the feat too, "Well, get on with it!" By now, everyone in (restaurant's name) is miserably failing at pretending not to eavesdrop. Don does not give a hoot. EGM just wants his strawberry crepes. Seeing that he has the entire restaurant enthralled, he booms out (no-one's about to complain anyway).

"You are correct up until the meet up of 31^st December with some kidogo variations. I mean of course it's common knowledge that EGM stands for Every Gals Man – ignore the Extreme Genital Mutilation bit. I use that when I am undercover, 006 and all, but that's a story for another day." Before Don Q can interrupt, EGM hurriedly continues, "Apparently, Aegeus misled everyone into believing Ichiena was waiting for him home – the term Ichiena used was allegedly waiting. She insisted that it was all……

This is a first...

2007-01-03T13:27:00.000+03:00

It’s 3rd January 2007. I am back at work. And I have sorted out my files – ready to get started. My stationary’s back where it should be. My bring ups are ok. 2007 calendar where it should be.

But there’s one missing. My Resolutions. I always have my resolutions up by this time. This once though I don’t have them. 1st is usually spent contemplating the year ahead and I am always upbeat about it. I make new resolutions gleefully, full of optimism – after all it is a new year!

I have actually been making them – small ones. Might even be deemed insignificant. But I have not WRITTEN them down. I always write them down. I carry them with me everywhere. A reminder of where I would like to be on 1st January 2008.

Perhaps with the passing of yet another year makes it all seem pointless? I cannot help but feel I am at the same place I was on 1st January 2006. As I go through the modalities of getting back on the saddle of normal life, I cannot help but feel bleak. So it’s 2007 – so what!! I will probably do the same stuff over and over again – make friends, part ways with some friends (perhaps it’s not all bleak after all…..hehehehe), be even more outgoing, less outgoing with others, work hard, be lazy……

I am afraid to grow?

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

This seems apt for today - Depreciation in the Working Environment!

A 'Tatolic Holiday

2007-01-01T21:37:00.000+03:00

So, I go home for the holidays thinking, time to bond with the family, catch up and talk about the good times....right?

Wrong!

Christmas Eve was spent thus:
Dad and brothers - watching 24, season 2 (mind you they have watched mpaka season 5)
Sis 1 - watching Lost
Sis 2 - watching Prison Break
The only tato-free ones were mum and I bonding till 4am in the morning. All the rest slept at 5am. And even in her case, she disappoints! This week, she got caught up in 24-Mania and ended up missing church the next day!

The only interruption was Christmas Lunch, if you can call it thus since it was so late it could have been Christmas Dinner - I settle for Christmas Dinch.

I am officially abandoning my family. Tato - feel free to take up my slot.

Today I took the first opportunity and bailed! Now sitting quietly in my space. Thinking about the year that was. Good year too, many good things happened including me joining the blogworld. And because of that I made many lovely friends, two of whom I have since met, egm and tato. Two opposites and both quite something. Hope to meet more in 07.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

Happy New Year y'all (For the last time, phew!). Speaking of which, I received some gems this holiday from people who know my sense of humour:

3. HNY! (Laziness in action, lol)

2. Happy Christmas and a Merry Year New - no, wait...Merry Happy and New Chris - no, that's not it...Happy Year and Christmas Merry New -arghh!Christmas New and a Merry Happy Year - WTF! You know what I mean...hehehe....Enjoy.

1. Might as well get this done now - Happy New Year, Happy Valentines, Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, Good Morning X 365 days, Good Afternoon X 365 days, Good Night X 365 days, I dont have money X 365 days, and Merry Christmas. I am done with you for 2007!

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

Ok! Ok! I confess.

I watched a movie at the cinemas or at home for every single day I was on leave!

Yes egm - that is when I was not shopping, hehehe. There! I said it. Now let me be....

Quick Guide Needed: How To Start A Fire...

2006-12-24T16:30:00.000+03:00

...with sticks. A very fast and short lesson, preferably within the hour would be appreciated. All I can figure is that the sticks should be dry. Help me.

Yaani, this is a post on the run because it's a cry for help. The siblings went home so I got the opportunity to clean up. I have just completed first half of "Spring Cleaning", next half due after 26th. So I am packing up for the long trip home and I get an "urgent" text. That I should carry a matchbox home.

Eeek!

There is no kiosk where i stay. And being a Sunday, tough luck in getting one open anywhere. The only option is supermarkets. Now, I was there yesterday and it is an experience I never ever ever ever want to repeat. It's Christmas y'all and everyone is shopping. Entire families are shopping. Even pets are shopping. The queues. They are so long they should be called queueueues.

So, I am stuck. They need a matchbox. Now way am I going back into a supermarket. Like i said, Quick Guide Needed: How to start a fire with sticks.

Merry Christmas to you all and take a minute, an hour, a day and MAKE it merry for someone who needs it more.

Be safe whatever you do.

Jigging: "Twisting, jumping, squatting, shaking, "

2006-12-20T05:08:00.000+03:00

Oooops! Caught again. Sorry - no....no! Wait. I can explain.

There IS a perfectly good explanation. I give you my word.

Look. At least let me explain, ok?

Thanks you. I'm sure it will all make sense.

Well, see the thing is...erm. I am happy. I am so happy excited elated exhilerated -I couldn't help myself. What you just saw was me expressing my joy - I had to dance (and this is no time to start pointing out ati I cannot dance!). I just got carried away.

Yes, I am sorry. I did not know I was shouting as well.

And I am indeed sorry. I may never do it in the office again.

And yes, I am sorry about the PC. I really didnt think it would break if I kicked it, after all it was all in the moment.

*************************************************************************************

People, the Holidays are upon us! I funga kazi today! (Not tomorrow, or the day after, or at 6pm, 7pm...naaaw). Today 5pm I cover that PC and I am gone for a two week break! No more ungrateful bosses! No more impossible deadlines! No more waking up at 7am! No more brain wracking sessions. No more annoying clueless clients (I'm humming No more shopping sprees). It is over and out!

So with that, er...
Happy Christmas and a Merry Year New - no, wait...
Merry Happy and New Chris - no, that's not it...
Happy Year and Christmas Merry New -arghh!
Christmas New and a Merry Happy Year -
WTF! You know what I mean...hehehe....Enjoy.

_____________________________________________________

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my
wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "What was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! "

Mind your language

2006-12-13T22:51:00.000+03:00

I was reading egm's post earlier and it reminded me of something I received from a friend some time back. Me thinks that our English is caliberated - question is, however, what reference standard are we using?

Mujienjoy!

Temple, Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Doctor’s office, Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Restaurant, Nairobi:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

Athi River Highway, Nairobi:
Take notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Restaurant, Mombasa
Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Hotel Rules and Regulations, Tokyo:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviour in bed.

Menu, Swiss Restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Bar, Tokyo
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Hotel Lobby, Moscow:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Hotel, Zurich:
Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Donkey ride ad, Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Laundry, Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

And my favourite:
Poster, Nairobi:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.

(As an unauthorised aside - i loved that programme, Mind Your Language even when KBC did reruns about a year ago it was all still fresh.)

AAAAaaaaaarghhhhhhh

2006-12-07T19:12:00.001+03:00

Hell hath no fury like Ichiena pissed.

I consider myself a liberal chick. And I tend to be a good judge of character, at least that’s what I’ve always thought. I avoid entanglements – relationships have naturally been a no-go-zone.

I aint no saint. A gal needs to feel loved once in a while – a gal wants that human touch that no gadget ever invented or amount of chocolate can satisfy. But I aint no hoe either.

I am straight-up. I put my cards on the table and it is usually a take it or leave it deal, with room for negotiation if need be. After that, I expect maturity, proper manners and even good relations if need be because that’s what I give back. I do not nag. I do not cling. Granted, I may dream within but I do not put those dreams into action.

Which is why I am so pissed! He sought me out. Almost a full year after I first met him. I never prompted him – didn’t even see it coming. At all. And being me, I thought, what the heck – it’s been a while, he’s over 21 I am over 21. What harm can it do, right?

WRONG! OH SOOOOO WRONG!

I did not call or even try to get in touch for over a month after. And vice versa. I didn’t think anything of it. After all I had made my stand quite clear. Now, unfortunately, I have to deal with him once in a while to get stuff moving. And he’s giving me the “I’m busy!” routine. The very last thing I expected from him. Irony is I ain’t looking for Round 2!! I am forced to get him to do stuff through third parties – I kid you not.

I am sorely tempted to send him a tongue in cheek text and tell him he can relax – I am not about to drop a baby on him, unless there was a second immaculate conception!!

%^##%$@$%^%@#$@#

Someone remind me again why I am being harassed to hook up and get married if these are the characters out there?

I think this one is apt for today:

MEN: Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?

WOMEN: Why get a whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?

yyyyaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWN!

2006-12-06T23:40:00.000+03:00

Heh! *Scratching balls* No, wait.

That's wrong, i didn't have those last month. Let's do this again...

yyyyaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWN!

Heh! *rubbing eyes*

It's been that long? I love my sleep and then since it's Dec and we need to get into party mode, i needed my rest.

OK, i have lied. I have had some major masahibus - el nino aside. I figured:

1. Neighbour decided t'was time for spring cleaning and figured the easiest way to clean the wall to wall was soak it. in situ!
2. Neighbour wanted to confirm whether the internet router is waterproof.
3. Neighbour was too high to figure whether taps are closed clockwise or anticlockwise.

Conclusion:
Taps left on+House flooded+Router flooded+Wireless Access Point flooded= No internet!

Lakini now we are back, up and running. Asante to those who sent concerned emails and no - you know who you are - you are not inheriting anything in case i am dead because i am not.

So, in my usual lazy fashion:

Another Chicken Joke

A chicken farmer went to a local tavern, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

(Oh, if you are wondering, an internet router is NOT waterproof).

The Continuation...

2006-11-18T18:47:00.000+03:00

So here I was, spending a quiet Saturday afternoon at home. It's raining, I am in bed, under layers and layers of blankets. Fast asleep. Then someone is papasaing me and shaking me awake. I fight through the fog of sleep and wake up to see Wanja the Kihii! What if I had been in the middle of a dream induced by my last post and smacked her one? That reminds me a story from high school...let me digress actually.

I used to be in this school with long corridors. And when the bell rang, chicks would run helter skelter along those corridors to get to class. Quiet a number of accidents happened on those corridors. And the teachers were not spared either. And one particular one (we called him MaTeeth (students are cruel!)) shared his traumatising experience with generations of chicks, me included. It went thus:

It happened one hot afternoon. No one wanted to get back to class...the heatwave made learning the last thing on ones mind. And so when the 2.00pm bell rang, it was like trying to get Ichiena to blog - no syke whatsoever. But then MaTeeth appeared in the corridor and the gals all realised they would be in deep shaite. So the marathons begun. But of course, while the lighter ones were quick and agile, the heavier ones were not so lucky. Two "bodies" running from opposite ends of a corridor, gasping, panting for breath and all their wits gone because they had spotted MaTeeth. Running at full speed - if you can call it that. So Mateeth looks North and she's lumbering towards him like a runaway lorry. He looks South and you'd think there were banshees from hell chasing after her. Lumbering. Banshees. Lumbering. Banshees. Lumberiiiiing! Bansheeeessssss!

And it was more than a kiss!

The end.

Whenever I meet MaTeeth in town I still remember that story. MaTeeth is the same one who used to tell us whenever we dozed, which was often; "Wake up you! I will throw you out of the window and your breasts will come flapping after you!"

Ha. Ok. Now I have written more than I intended and someone is hounding me for the lap---Wanjaaaaa! Ok, I am getting off. You Kihii!

And as always, a joke for today:

Ichiena goes to a bar in London.

A man to Ichiena's left tells the Bartender,"

JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."

And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Ichiena and asks," AND YOU, MADAM?"

Ichiena replies: "ICHIENA KAMAU, MARRIED."

Does it really matter?

2006-11-16T22:56:00.000+03:00

I read Archer's post earlier and the part on jualas took me down memory lane.

Buying contraceptives - the female perspective.

Scenario 1: After an afternoon in the pool, the gals are in the changing room and someone notices that another has a scar under her left arm. She claims its Nairobi fly - what happened to those things. We later realised that it was the scar left by a norplant (Sp?).

Scenario 2: I remember back in the days I would be walking along a relatively busy street somewhere in Nairobi with a pal, we are chatting amiably as we go along and suddenly I would realise I was talking to myself. My pal would have disappeared into a chemist and by the time I joined them at the counter they would be getting their change and whatever it is they ordered would be in their bags. It took me a while to catch on that they were buying contraceptives - actually several monthly soujourns before the light bulb flashed (thick!).

Scenario 3: This same pal (she had an active sex life) later narrated an interesting experience. (This after she realised the cloak and dagger stunts were lost on me). She went to this chemist to buy supplies and it took her one hour, the end of which she came out with nothing. Apparently, the pharmacist took it upon herself to offer free sex education, lectured her on adultery, fornication, pregnancy, STDs and would up by saying she cannot honestly sell contraceptives to someone who's still so young and not married. Suffice it to say my pal listened patiently, walked out and changed pharmacists that very day. Life goes on.

Conclusion: Ichiena (a) has lived a sheltered life on Venus (b) is as thick as two planks (c) is a hermaphrodite (d) all of the above.

But point, or the question, is, why all the hiding, secrecy, intrigue? We are in the 21st century after all. Does it matter what you are doing with your sex life? Are we embarrassed, ashamed, scared, secretive and if so, why? Yet again, how many people come out and shout "I'm a virgin!" - it's actually a no no to say it. Everyone looks at you like you have grown another head, you are an oddity or you are the world's biggest liar. And bottom line, does it really matter?

I need to go sleep.

Night.

PS: My editing tools have still not resurfaced. I only have bold, italics, link and insert photo. Somebody. Help. Me?

*****************************
THE PHONE BILL

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People! This is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

When will Dec get here?

2006-11-14T13:51:00.000+03:00

It is warm - cold.
It is raining.
It is wet.
I wish i was a mosquito -
Their sex lives is at an all time high.
I became the feeding ground of several mosquitolettes.
I have malaria to prove it.
I am sick.

When will the weekend get here?
When will Dec get here?

***********************************************************************************
Old Wedding

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it
was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and
had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would
like it infrequently.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his
glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or
two words?"

Rain = Holiday = Reality Show = Landscaping Tips

2006-11-03T22:06:00.000+03:00

It rained this week. Yep. You see for me that is an event. A major one. Come to think of it, it has always been.Basically because rain is good, rain is nourishing. And then some.

When I was in primary just a couple of years back (yes - a COUPLE), the rain meant impromptu vacation - what else would you call a period in your life where you get to show off you new weather-dependent (orange boots and red jacket), go swimming (impromptu swimming holes/pot pools), fishing (tadpoles in the backyard) and hiking (the trip to school suddenly took 1 hour instead of 15 minutes because the circuitious(is that a word) route you had to take). Rain = Holiday.

Several years later and rain had me perfecting Complete Makeovers even before the advent of all those reality shows. I literally pulled a Superman in the matt. See, home then was in the bunduz so I leave town and enter a matt in clear office gear - power suit complete with heels. I get to my destination and alight a nyanye (lesso around the waist - check, shower cap on head (I confess!!) - check, gum boots on - check, valuables in big black trusty leak proof uchumi paper bag - check, paper bag draped over hunched shoulders - check and finally blanketi shawl around the shoulder - check). Rain = Reality show.

Fast forward to present time and now the rain practically changes my digz into beachfront property. You read right. I get up to go to work (which is practically ten minutes away - yes you can take a minute to envy me (yet I am usually late!). Done? Sawa, where were we? Uhmmm...yeah). A night of rain and the road has disappears and in its place there's a seething river complete with crocodiles (Sawa! I lie! but it's close). The ten minute walk becomes half an hour. (And that's only if it is not raining at the time. Once I stood across a road for over an hour waiting to cross to my digz! Only in Kenya.) I have to walk down the road in order to get to a place shallow enough to cross to the other side, then walk back up the road, past my digz, cross back again and get to the office. This of course is because the drains stopped existing several years back (what happened to the El nino fund?). Rain = Landscaping Tips

(PS: The gumboots still come in handy. You walk in town one day and see a fully suited mama - power suit with gumboots, stop and say hi to Ichiena).

Now, onto totally unrelated matters. I stay away for a day and return to find aggregator collected and republished all my old posts? I figured the explanation must be:

a) My eyesight is finally failing me (punishment for peering too hard at all those delicious abs!).
b) It has been a loooong day.
c) This is a dream.
d) This is not a dream. The last few days have been the dream.
e) My comp has contracted a nasty flu.
f) I have squatter on my blog???
g) That was NOT juice (fruit...hehehe) that i just took.

Anyway,

Somebody heeeeeelp me?

And finally, my parting shot today - a joke that killed me today:

Unsatisfied Husband
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he Prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a
day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the
checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Delivery anyone?

2006-10-31T20:57:00.000+03:00

A client calls me. I inform him that the work is done and he should hear from me by this Friday. The dude gets excited, as he rightly should be, if I may say so. I can smugly say we managed what had appeared impossible at first.

So, he then says that he must get me a gift and asks, "You delivered, right?"

And I am thinking delivered here means delivered the contract though I am slightly puzzled. Then he clarifies, "A boy or a gal?"

Wah!

I am still laughing. In fact, I think I cracked a rib.

The only way I'm getting a brat will be a real delivery - via stork. Yep. Now, don't get me wrong. Brats are cute provided they belong to a relative or if not, they have a home to go back to and it aint mine. I think about it and the cruncher is that here's some individual who dares to try and squeeze through a path where the first time a tampon tried making headway, the exercise was aborted with the utter convintion that the path was blocked from lack of use...tsk!

In summary - wah! Let me go back to laughing.

Note to self: Call back client tomorrow and apologise for laughing off and hanging up without a further word!

And today, here's another one my funny bone:

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled, "Skunk. killed with an axe."

We are Depressed / Estatic

2006-10-29T11:41:00.000+03:00

Monday:

Version A: I have had a bad day - Singing "Had a bad day again...."

First it’s a Monday morning. She usually truddles in late and annoyed for some reason on Monday mornings – more than other mornings.

So she walks in. Expects me to get turned on at the click of a button. Well, not today missy. Go have your fun elsewhere.

I am ill. No amount of switching, tweaking, tugging, stroking is going to arouse me. Cant you go one day without any action, sheesh! She’s busy poking, stroking, caressing, massaging, tapping – the woman could go on forever. But I am out cold. Not going to respond. And that’s that. No uh! I tell her I am sick.

She is not amused.

This is not going very well. I try to tell her, “Ichiena, I am ill. I cant get up today. Not today. Just let me be”. For some reason, she gets very worked up. Seems to think I am teasing her!! Talk about misreading! She goes back into poke mode. I think she will get violent….help!!

Then. Suddenly. She stops. She picks the phone and calls Dr Kownothing. Not Dr Knownothing! Cant I just sleep it off. Let me tell you, Dr Knownothing is the kind of Dr who in the past I have walked in with a virus and has instead checked for tonsillitis and ended up doing a hysterectomy. You get the picture.

So he walks in a few hours later and pokes all over the place (this is so embarrassing!) and I hear him informing Ichiena, “There’s something wrong with your computer”. Give Us Strenth Yee Gawds. Isn’t that what I was telling her all along – if someone will pay attention, I am ill!! And if you care to ask, I will let you know exactly what’s wrong with me. But Ichiena is mad – must be PMS and so I am unceremoneously bundled out.

Dr. Knownothing is probably going to carry out a lobotomy this time. Life will never be the same.

I have had a bad day.

Version 2: I have had a bad day - Singing "Just another manic Monday!...."

I wake up disbelieving I have to go to the office.
Go to shower and guess what? H2O has desserted the building. Again.

This has been going on for a while now - we get water then we don’ for weeks (considering what to do with the landlord - start deducting cost of buying water from rent and see whether that will light a fire under him. Thiing is the water tends to disappear and reappear around end month....mhmmmm)

Anyway, get to the office. Drowsy and tired and in no mood to work - It is Monday after all and I have earned the right not to be cheerful. I get to my desk. Organise work to do - the rather high pile. Switch my computer on.

Then....

N....%$^#$%^%^&
O....%^$^%^$%%$
T....%$^#$%^%^&
H....%^$^%^$%%$
I....%$^#$%^%^&
N....%^$^%^$%%$
G....%$^#$%^%^&

The machine looks back at me - probably sniggering, the little twit! - and nothing. A blank screen with several lines of incomprehensive script (i interpreted it into the comp's version of "Nya nya nya boo boo"). I take a deep breath and cold boot.

I then used several minutes immediately thereafter to test all the keys on the keyboard (you know there's a key with three signs on it? How do you get to use the third one?). Aaaah, getting somewhere finally....then Nya nya nya boo boo! So, i kicked, bit, tweaked, twisted, smashed, crashed (at least I did in my mind). But nothing. Just, nya nya nya boo boo.

Giving up (I HATE giving up)...I call support and guess what - they came in three hours later - at 11am. That's half the morning gone which was spent pretending to look busy (ok I always pretend to look busy but at least I usually have a choice!).

The IT dude comes in. Checks out the comp. Asks me if I switched on correctly (duh) then after five minutes makes the great announcement that my comp is not ok (Doubly DUH!UH!). The he says he has to carry it off to the workshop (this is what I figure, (a) these guys charge more for offsite than onsite jobs hence their love for this option (b) they have no idea what is wrong with the comp and would rather do the testing 1-2-3 away from prying eyes (c) they have no idea what is wrong and are taking it to the “real unidentified experts” to check them out).

Either way, it was 11.30am and I have no comp. Tomorrow’s a holiday so work needs to be done yesterday. Clients are calling and saying, “Why haven’t you responded to my mail” – well missy, I would if I could read it in the first place!

So I spent the day normading – basically moving from one station to another whenever the owner goes out to pee or something and the whole thing sucks. (At one point I was tempted to put laxative in someone’s tea so I could have a machine for the rest of the afternoon).

Now I have carried work home so that I can hopefully get something done before Wednesday. The IT dude says it’s sorted and I should have my comp back by Wednesday morning.

I had a bad day today.

Tuesday:
It is a holiday….. It is a holiday…… It is a holiday.……

Perhaps if I chant that continuously I will not have to go to job 2. At least that’s what I thought.

It. Did. Not. Work.

One good thing though for the day. I finally managed to go shopping for veggies so the Usurpers (my 5 (yep, FIVE – what were they thinking….) siblings are the Usurpers because they all eventually took my role of fave babe) will not starve to death.

(Note to self: Need to “alert” the Fockers so that I earn a browny point, hehehe….)

(NB: I sincerely think those dudes with huge gunias on their backs derive some perverse pleasure pushing you with the gunias in the market place).

Wednesday:
Back to work. No computer. ‘Nough said.

Good thing though – evening tea with 5In and tea with him is always an uplifter. Having male friends (hell, even relas!) is a hustle at times but some are unbelievable. Thank you God for putting people like 5In in my life.

And I cooked! Ati gathering up tattered illusions of domestication. And no, I can proudly say Usurper2 did not die from food poisoning. Usurper2 was pleasantly surprised actually – ok! Ok! It was more of shock. Hehe.

Thursday:
Back to work 1 and still no computer???

Let’s say I brought out the big guns – yaani, cleared all arsenal. To cut a long story full of expletives (sp?) my computer, poor baby, was back by 2.30pm. They removed the scanner card. Did not replace it. Said that it was interfering with the startup (so, why not replace it with another one because I have a scanner on my desk and do the bulk of scanning in the office!!)

And I had emails dating back to last week to start working on! Yaani, I earned my salary twice over on Thursday alone. Still managed to get to another evening meeting, which went well. I am still smiling. And got home and cooked. Twice in a row….this one’s for the Guinness Book I tell you.

Friday:
It’s Friday. It’s Friday.

Aint nothing bringing me down. (With the exception of the workload, phew!)

So to top it all, and cap the mad week, I went to shake my…..(was about to say butt, but (All Pun Intended) I discovered I have no butt. I have a derrière – you know like the majority jungu ones. Small. Now, there are some mamas with asses and butts out there. Real sienda as one Martian puts it. Yaani those mamas just stand and twitch kidogo and there’s palpable movement in the entire nether-region. Me I have to sway, nay, swing vigorously from side to side, front to back, round, up and down, and break a sweat while at it. Then, only THEN do you go, “Oh, Ichiena is trying to pull that lingala move”).

But Ramogi night was da bomb (there goes my age rearing it’s wrinkled neck – what’s the modern expression? Phat?) Ate tilapia, sweet potato and uji. Remember my prowess (or lack thereof) in the kitchen? I enjoyed the meal – the only survivor being the fish head. I also realized I enjoy Tony Nyadundo, now when Focker1 puts on his CD I’ll actually hum along. The dude is amazing though, almost an entire CD with the SAME beat. Only the words change and you thought akina Flexx, Jua Kali and crew are vulgar. You should listen to the modern “zilizopendwas”.

Clearly, Friday made up for a thankless week.

PS: I did not cook. Usurper2 knows the directions to the kitchen.

Saturday:
Oh, Ichiena and plans. Ati I made plans for the day. When will I ever learn that these never work? Got up nice and early and was in Westlands Sarit by 845am (the roads were so clear I found myself wondering if I had slept through to Sunday!) paid my elec bills and humming, happy and chirpy that I did get up despite a late night out.

Then drama starts. I got to my ATM and it spat out my card, ati out of order (Is there a system banks can use to alert clients of such before you go all the way out of town to get money only to find a spitting machine!). So, plans had to change. Oh well, still early. Just got to town instead and get cash and finish everything in town instead. Mind you I am lugging a huge poster for this event I meant to be at by latest 930am.

So, it’s now 9am and I am in town (traffic was really light – so now I was checking if there had been a coup or something overnight). ATM tells me that I have no money. WAIT!! No money! I distinctly recall depositing a cheque and I am sure I was sober and awake when I did it. So I walk into the bank and let’s just say that it turns out that the bank is aware of the faulty ATM (apparently it’s been dead since Thursday and they still haven’t even put up a notice) and second, all the problems are because someone forgot. FORGOT. Someone forgot to authorize the transfer into my account. You know when you are so annoyed mpaka you are deflated. I was that then some. I smiled (I cannot believe it) and said, “It’s ok. You are only human”. In retrospect, I think I had exhausted my expletives with the comp dudes on Thursday so there was none to spare for the banker. I got my cash and did half of what I was supposed to run. By the time I got to my event, it was 1130ish. Half a morning wasted because of someone else’s incompetence.

Event was lovely. Well attended and the kids. Kids are so artistic. Could you draw KICC in class 3? My memory of Art was sticking my hand in a plate of paint and plastering it on a paper AFTER I had plastered half my classmates…hehehe…Craft was going to the local carpenter and convincing him to make a stool, sticking my name on it and presenting it in class. Would someone tell me why I was forced to make a stool in primary school? Or shona a lapbag?

Sunday:
All syked up. I need to go marathoning. After I got in yesterday, I slept. Promptly at 5pm. I was knackered. I did get up for a snack at 130am I think. Even caught a movie and went back to sleep. Up again bright and early at 6am. Must not be late. Slight headache, wooziness but that’s probably just from too much sleep. Showered. Dressed. Took breakfast.

And threw up.

I listen to my body. So, (Headache + Wooziness + Throwing up) – (Alcohol + Drugs ) + Enough Sleep + Enough Food = I am ill.

So. Here I am. In my house. I cannot sleep. Dressed for the marathon – I still have the t-shirt on. Not marathoning. But blogging.

We are depressed/estatic.

Have a happy week y’all.

At which point I must say:
1. Oh yee harassers, you know yourself, I hope you are satisfied, nay, gorged on this loooooooong one.
2. If you read to this point and you are not one of the harassers, leave a postal address on which I can send you a book I recently read, “Time Management”…LOL!

Naivety is

2006-10-22T19:43:00.000+03:00

…thinking that your blog is your space
…thinking that you own your space
…thinking that this is one space no one can invade
…thinking that noone, and I repeat, noone will know who you are!

Reality is…..
…receiving several comments on blogs that are uncommentworthy (a pal’s word – methinks they just jealous!!)
…receiving reminders that you need to update your blog (what is updating a blog – typing a new entry or refreshing i.e. reblogging a refreshed version of an old blog e.g. with new terminology such as dad becomes buda (now you know how old I really am….woi, I digress))
…getting email messages threatening (no longer reminding) you to update your blog
…realizing that everyone you know now knows your blog.

Talk about nipping the weed before the seed germinates! Sigh! Now all those tales will remain hidden – yes, you. You know yourself. I am not, will not reveal anything! Uh uh! Nimekataa sasa. You characters have shtuad me back into my shell or tank as someone so “nicely” put it. Ati I am built like a tank…was that a figure of speech ama a comment on my physical attributes or lack thereof…mhmmm…..

Now, with that set aside, I had a lovely holiday. And I have aching neck muscles to prove it. This was the weekend where this character went arocking and what arocking it was. Exercised some long neglected neck muscles. Methinks dance music is under-played in Kenya. We get the same old hip hop, local and dancehall music everywhere you go. I aint complaining, I love dancing no matter what. Lakini when you put something rare like techno, chill and real dance music I go ballistic. So Pavement rocked.

After midnight that is. The jury’s still out on the “live” band pre-midnight. We are not sure whether they were live ama we have professional lip synchers on prowl. I wasn’t too sure myself. At one point they appeared to be doing the real thing then the next they had no life in them – yaani it just looked “not right”, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the jury is still out on that one.

Now, the comments to my last post all got me so thinking. What if that story had several endings…so here’s what I have thought up for the past week whenever I had a sudden urge to chew my bosses’ heads….. slowly ….. one after the other….like chicken bones….tsk. I am so glad tomorrow’s a one day “week”.

So, back to that story.

If we were 12 years old, this is how it would end:

Her Version:
The girl said, “NO”.

And her true prince came up on a bright white horse – no, a (what are those horse thingis that have a horn? Unicorn? That one) and with one swing of his great sharp glinting sword lopped off the guy’s head revealing his true identity. He was not a real man because out of his neck came a huge ogre who on realizing that he had been defeated, shuffled about, sniffled and said,

“Sire! My lady! I beg thy forgiveness. Twasn’t my intention to antagonize thee...”

And the Prince, though proud and uncompromising but wise, asked for his lady’s advise and she said,
“Kill him!!!” – ok, no. That’s what I would say. She said, “I hope thou hast learnt thy lesson dear ogre. To set thou free a promise thou willst have to maketh.”

To which the ogre simpered, “Anything my lady. Anything!”

“Promise that thou shallst for the remainder of your existence spend your life doing good.”

To which the ogre responded, “I promise!” and he immediately turned into a wide open meadow filled with flowers and beauterflies and the Prince and his Lady lived in the meadow happily ever after.

The End

His Version
The girl said, “NO”.

And he got into his brand new ferrrari – like the one Schumacher drove at his last F1 and he drove straight into her and crashed her and her Barbie doll and her doll house and left her crying. And he went on living happily thereafter driving hard and crashing into everything and everyone except Superman, Spiderman, Green Lantern, Batman, Transformers……

The End

If we were 22 years old:
Her Version:

The girl said, “NO”.

After all it was only the 12th time he was asking her and she had that cute rudge player who she knew; she just knew that one day he would ask her out. I mean, even though he had a girlfriend now, those can easily be done away with. After all they are not married now, are they? And she knew. She just knew he felt the same way he did about her like she did about him. After all, how is it that he used to be at the same parties she went to – he must be stalking her. He’s just shy.

And you know what? He did, the very next day. He saw her at the Safari 7s and realized that she was the love of his life. His proposal was very romantic and unique – like Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral or …or…or…in Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. And they had this huge wedding with the President invited and aired on telly and all – after all, his uncle is related to the Presidents son-in-law’s househelp! And they lived happily ever after – him making the money and her spending it.

As for the poor slob who dared ask for her hand in marriage, he was the designated driver at their wedding.

His Version:
The girl said, “NO”.

And the guy thought, “Oh well. At least now my having cheated on you with your more interesting best friend can never be an issue.” And he went on to become popular and a super stud and all the Ms Worlds, Ms Kenya, Ms Universe, Ms Malaika, Ms Tourism, Ms Nairobi and even Ms Blog knew him and all bouncers at the best clubs let him in without a hustle. And all cabdrivers in Nai knew him by name (and more importantly knew the directions to his digz for those nights when speech failed him). He started his own company by 30 years old and was such a success that he hobnobbed with the cream of society and when it came to settling down, he did it for all the right reasons – business - and settled for Ms. Gates.

They had two kids, he owned half of Microsoft Extreme (still in production) and they lived happily ever after on the island that good old Bill had created just for them.

As for that girl, well….word has it that she’s a regular at a certain street in Nai, in particular from 9pmish. Truly. His best friend told him that a friend of a friend of a friend spotted here there. Several times. And she has now bleached her face. And wears a pink wig. But it’s her alright. It’s her. This friend of a friend of a friend of his best friend can swear by it.

The End

I am now enjoying this. Mhmmm…think I’ll do continuation at 32 and 42. Now, to what I really meant to do today i.e. switch to blogger beta.

Night night!

Oh dear...

2006-10-13T18:00:00.000+03:00

What have I gone and done now. Me? Start a blog? To what end? I have this annoying (yes, it annoys me to no end. Don't even get me started on the effect on others....tsk tsk) habit of jumping all over the place. Getting interested in one thing, getting good and comfy in it then, see ya later alligator!

I am hoping that I wont do the same thing to this. No, this one I hope to nurture. Like in Harry Potter, old Dumbledore (is it?) has that bowl where he stores his thoughts and memories, collection of moments so that he can go back and retrieve them, relieve them, relish them whenever, wherever and howsoever he wants. I'm gonna play Dumbledore and this blog is my pensieve.

Mhmm....

Well, this pensieve is going to be full of memories of laughter. And what better one to start with than this little gem that kills me no matter how many times I hear it. Laughter IS the best medicine.

THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot. He had all the best electronic equipment, the fastest cars, boats and motorcycles. He drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END

First time

2006-10-11T20:10:00.000+03:00

Hi there.

This is my first time.

First time opening a blog.

First time typing up a post.

First time daring to go out into the big big blogworld.

Daring to test the waters.

Scary.

Uncertain.

Mysterious.

The pull of the unknown.

Will this be the first and last?

Will I become a regular? An addict?

What will I post?

Will I be popular (let's face it, a little popularity NEVER hurt)

Or I'll come and go unnoticed.

Will I make friends, enemies?

Will I be annoying, refreshing, funny, sad, deep (fat chance), creative?

Eeeish! Heck with all the will I, will I.

Only one way to find out!