So Mocha in all her wisdom decided to tag me. I didn’t do a podcast but came close. Be warned though. Feel free to watch subject to the following disclaimers:
- You may be traumatized by the sight of certain body parts.
- Any reference to my accent (or lack thereof, LOL) and you are dead to me!
- It is incomplete – I ran out of memory (phone and my brain).
- For the avoidance of doubt, the resulting tagees are Spidey, Archer, Wanja Kihii, Unyc, Milo and Bants. And I wanted to throw in a wild card who’s quite the interesting chap and that’s you Kirima. A podcast on 5 reasons why you blog my dears.
Otherwise, I was home over the weekend – home is where my parents are at, in Ngong that is. Nice. Pretty nice. And I got this pic – true Kenyanism, don’t you think?
Home was quite the change from the noisy hustle and bustle of Nairobi life – so peaceful and you actually wake up to the sound of chirping birds and bleating goats. Then I strongly suspect I put on some weight. What is it with mothers and their crusade to feed their kids to explosion. And it’s not just your mother or mine, but all mothers. Actually, most women over 50 seem to be on the same wavelength. They were all ultrathin during their time and now they are trying to fatten us! Anyway, if you think people who are overweight have a problem, then you need to talk to those who never seem to put on weight. There’s nothing as annoying as always being treated like an invalid simply because you are not of the “desired weight” which if my female relatives had their way I’d be 70Kgs and/or over (I’m picturing a honeymoon gone bad after Mr. Ichiena breaks his back carrying me). Never you mind that I am not emaciated or teetering on verge of collapse; or that this has been my constant weight for some years now; or that no doctor has ever raised any concern over my weight. I love my body as is but once in a while I get doubtful due to external criticism. And these can make or break up a person. Really. Having grown up surrounded by beautiful siblings who were constantly being praised by everyone around, I grew up without any confidence in my physical self; the single-minded belief that I was ugly. It seemed to me that whenever anyone commented on my body it was to make fun of my gangly frame (and I was) or criticize my unfeminine self – anything but rarely positive. The positive praise was my brain. I figured that’s why I fared ok in school – I had something to prove, you know.
I eventually grew out of the low self esteem. Sometimes I wonder whether that was the reason for my number 7 (Which raised surprising theories to which the answer, for the record, is no. I love Dick too much). Anyway, the growing pains were an important lesson – unless you have constructive criticism, don’t.
And before I forget, for those clamoring for UG pics, bad news. I rely on a ten year old hand-me-down camera from dad and half my roll got burnt. Yes, I am over it. Nevertheless, long post coming up (dear-Lord-help-me). Good thing is that there are photos on this link. Let's see who amongst you can figure out who I am. Spot Ichiena and there may be a prize in it! Of course if you know what I look like, you are automatically disqualified - unless you are misleading the rest...hehehe.
So, I got back to work today and I am still amazed that I have managed to do this post. I am dying in the office. Have heaps of files threatening to topple over and clients breathing fire. But good news - got a surprise pay rise!!! Not as good as I had hoped so I still hope to get it increased.
And finally (wa! - a short post threatening to get long), looking forward to the holiday weekend. Rhino Charge here we come! What will you be up to?
Aaaand PHEW - WHY MEN'S PROBLEMS ARE RARELY PUBLISHED IN THE "DEAR AMANI COLUMN"!
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot lately although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I hear a car driving off, as if she was dropped off round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi. I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and to stop checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. Perhaps deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I made up my mind to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Do you think this is something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Deeply Distressed Husband
Monday, May 28, 2007
So Mocha in all her wisdom decided to tag me. I didn’t do a podcast but came close. Be warned though. Feel free to watch subject to the following disclaimers:
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Aaah, that feeling of having taken a good trip and having it all turn out superlicious. I had a lovely time in Kampala. Made so many new pals from UG as well as TZ and Ethiopia (Sorry gal, no cookies were delivered). And danced my heart out the entire time. It's amazing that an invisible line on the ground dividing two countries can make such a difference in cultures and society. Full post and pics coming up soon.
So I return and what do I find? Another tag! And one of the tagors wants a podcast - I don't even know where to start....somebody help me? And pray do tell, this is the last of it.
Anyway, right now I have received summons from Mama Ichiena who is spitting fire because I am on leave and i haven't gone to see her yet. Figured I get my bum there lest she convinces Baba Ichiena to disinherit me!
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, some University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Inspired on Thursday, May 24, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Useless Trivia: Just I was doing this post, I realised the initials SS apply in English (Seven Secrets) and Swahili (Siri Saba). Nice, hey?
A character and another character decided to tag me and have given me restless nights ever since. Yaani, my blog is about my life, drama in my life, me, me and more me (I am shameless). So what more could I possibly share that I already haven't in the past? So, here's some stuff that I have probably already shared before but don't remember...they will just have to do.
1. I have lived in all the major towns in Kenya. Was born in Nairobi, have stayed in Embu, Nakuru, Kisii, Kisumu, Mombasa (both Mombasa Mainland and the Island), back to Nairobi, Ngong (which I hear is in Kajiado) and now back to Nairobi. At some point (during the angry teens) I figured my parents were crooks running away from the law, LOL! So when I hear people talking of having lived in the same home since childhood and having childhood pals, I don't get it. Because of this, my closest pals go back to campus days. Before that, I was flitting through life.
2. I am kidogo obsessive. I can get strange obsessions like a period in my life where i used to count steps. Yep. I had this warped mentality that my legs should deal with steps equally so if I take a flight of eight steps, 4 must be taken with one leg, 4 with the other. If they are an odd number, then I will take three with one leg and next time I use them, I will take 3 with the other leg. I was pretty mad. But that passed.
3. I have never flown and I don't know how to drive. I am old. Trust me, it still shocks even me that I have not bothered to learn. I did go through the phase some time back and did kidogo steering but then I stopped. I don't remember why. I guess it's because I don't really need it right now since I am a walking Kenyan and I remain comfortable that way.
4. I am shortsighted. I used to wear glasses but one day I just put them down and never put them on again. I can be stubborn like that. So now I squint when looking at my toes and I easily pass people on the street because I cannot see them although I must admit I have also used this to my advantage by passing those that I DO know. A character is determined to get me wearing specs again, we will see how this goes.
5. I like challenges but I easily get bored once it's done. The harder it is the better, and if I have to teach myself (my F1 key is the most worn out) even better. Hence the Rubiks Cube, 1000 plus puzzles, Programming (started blogging because of HTML), playing a flute, Sewing, Crossword, Sudoku and Salsa phase. Currently I am in a Swimming phase.
6. I think my name is P. Ichiena i.e. Procrastination Ichiena. I am a procrastinator of the worst kind. I can wait until the very very very very very last moment to do this (like this post...I know if I don't do it now, it's gonna wait till next Monday so here I am!). I still wonder how I managed to get by in school - I used to start reading for exams in the last week!
7. I have never been in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
Phew - I am done. This turned out to be rather hard. I want to share yet I am not sure what is sharing too much, or what is being vague. I had to sweat - oops...er...- perspire (:-)) this one out. And the hardest part, who to tag since the regulars all seem to have been tagged. Think I'll go with the hibernators: Wanja, Couch Potato, Don Q and Sis Big bones.
So, now back to business. Kampala here I cooooome.....here's to a safe, fruitful and fun trip. Packing's all done - camera, check; discman (ipod? nini hiyo?), check; CDs, check; passport, check....cheers. Hope to get back within the week, so until then:
Welcome to the family?
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
If only they knew that I kept a box of condoms in my car....
Scam Warning: Man to men
Many of you shop at Nakumatt and you need to be aware of a scam being perpetrated at various Nakumatt sites. I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Nakumatt at the Junction and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Nakumatt . You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over onto the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, and also today. They also plot to rob me again tomorrow.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did. And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now. Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the door shut and said;
“Now tell him you have a headache."
And in view of this being an election year, I thought this was rather apt. Don't you?
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
First off (I need to stop this habit of numbering everything I do and no, that was not the first thing, that was an aside)...first off, that title is very unoriginal. I admit irreverently ripping off of a book by Dave Barry. Any readers out there? This dude cracks me up - his books are just the thing to chase boredom any time any day, especially when you come across the line, "I am not making this up" when he soooo is! Hilarious stuff.
Now, back to the plot. The plot. I have been "writing" this post for 3/4 days so I have forgotten.
Oooh! Yes. Ichiena is from Mars AND Venus. This post was inspired by a comment from a blogger who wasn't sure what I am. And it got me thinking - am I more male or more female? You tell me:
Ichiena is from Mars: I have no feeling for shopping. OK you can stop chuckling. I have no feeling for shopping for clad and I am mostly in jeans and a T - I can go for months on end without buying any new attire; half my wardrobe is from pals (sending a message perhaps?). I own a complete set of tools (a claw hammer, screwdriver set, pliers, the works), I love fixing small stuff around the house. I havent cooked a decent meal since I dont know when. I usually air bolingolette - actually I dont like wearing clothes. I can shower and be out of the house in 15 minutes flat (fully clothed!). I have perfected the art of zoning out mid-conversation even if I grunt the occassional appropriate response. At one time I had 2 pairs of shoes.
Ichiena is from Venus: I have no care for sports, any sports unless walking and dancing fall within sports. I keep my nails feminine long and manicured. I own over 20 pairs of stockings/tights/leggings. I have boobs and my back is not hairy. I am a sucker for Harlequin/Romance novels - it's called "getting-some-via-osmosis". I can yap with the best of them, though I am not Nollywood status.
Other Useless Business (OUBs)
1. I was watching American Pie 4 (sucks) and heard this new word which I just had to Wikipedia. Let's just say interesting reading and do read with caution.
2. If you haven't watched Wild Hogs please make a point for a good laugh. The skinny dipping. LOL!
3. Thanks to White African, I have learn that...er...my exploits (sic!) are now in a computer game!
4. The joke for today:
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman
Finally, it's Mother's Day this weekend. Someone sent me this and it penetrated the layers and touched me somewhere. Happy Mum's Day to all Mum's out there, including ma gal MGN - congrats on the latest addition to the family. We will soon come cooing appropriately.
TO BE A MOTHER
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of starting a family. "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé; or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.
I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child-care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that rest-room.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs..
I want her to know that a Caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God... that of being a Mother.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
And now I can confirm we are trully back. I've gotten up ready to get a kick out of life. The lips (the upper ones) are back to normal size lakini hard like a goat's hide. Any suggestions on how to get them back to kissable soft? Any volunteers to test them (mhmm, where is argh).
But I am excited because:
1. My sick pal is getting out of it. She walked a distance jana and smiled and cooked and...well, she's back.
2. Spiderman 3
If you havent watched this movie yet and still intend to - close this window. Close it now. You have been warned.
I caught Spiderman 3 on premier night. I am a Spiderman lunatic - actually I am an action-figure movie junkie but I have been hooked on Spidey ever since that first upside down kiss (Mr. Ichiena-to-be had better have some upside-down moves up his sleeves). And it delivered. Mhmmmmm.
- Best line:
"That's not the position I hired you for"
- Funniest scene:
1. Spidey dancing after shopping spree.
2. The proposal that never was. I almost rolled out of my seat.
- Huuuh? Moments:
1. Sandman going off scot free? Now how.
2. Harry survived an explosion?
3. And still on dude - his face didnt heal fast despite his powers?
4. All it took was a butler(???) to change destiny?
- Yawn moments:
1. Dude taking forever to die despite explosions, turning good, yadayada...
2. The seductive dance - Tobey has one left foot. And no other foot. Like watching a bad episode of Dancing with the Stars. Yuck.
- Sad moments:
1. Sandman discovering he's sand; dude trying to get up....sniff sniff.
2. They trashed the sacred kiss - how could they. All I could do not to stomp off. Men are all the same; even Spidey!
- The end (Go watch the movie, or wait for your usual spoiler, hehehe) Wacha the experts do their review.
Nevertheless, it was a feel good movie - it delivered. I didn't walk out feeling cheated (Alexander the Great!!!). But still I did not feel an irresistible urge to clap like I did in Pirates 2, so let's wait for 24th for the final verdict between Spidey and Captain Jack.
3. It's May - movie month my dears. First Spiderman 3 has kicked it off well enough. Now looking forward to Pirates 3, Shrek 3 (I think I have watched the first one 5 times if not more), Simpsons, Fantastic 4, Harry Potter (shudddup you!), Bourne Ultimatum, Transfomers, Oceans 13, bliss I tell ya. Pure bliss.
4. Buggering off to Champara - the land of bananas - in the course of this month. Any opportunity to travel far and wide I love, love, love.
5. Yaani I love lists, I wikipediad it! So, does this mean I am subconsiously managing time?
OK, I have reached End of Thinking Capacity and all the wonderful things I wanted to write on have gone out of my head. I wish me a good week - after missing work for one week...the boss will be happy to see me.
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots,but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
After all the "new posts" I have attempted to put up recently, I have given up on doing any.
But today I got blogmojo from the most unexpected quarters. A big fat lip. And no, that is not a metaphore - in fact, here's a pic of the lip (taken by an ameature camera).
I woke up today with a big fat lip. I got up and went to the bathroom and burst out laughing. Laughing because I kept thinking up stuff like - my lips look like they were stung by a bee; like a liposuction gone bad; hell, like the sort a plastic surgeon would advice that I consider shifting fat from my lips to my hips! And I laughed because life's been so nasty lately, I have no more energy to get depressed. And just like I said once upon a time, I have to look at the bright side of life, so:
1. It was a good thing the office server crashed for a week and we were out of commission and living like neanderthals because i discovered that the grey funny looking thinga-majiga next to the photocopier in the store is a working typewriter - who knew!!
2. And while still on that, I learnt to talk in a pleasant voice through ground teeth and proved once for all that I have no need to richen some dentist because my teeth will probably survive a nuclear attack.
3.It was a good thing I got a strange case of "It comes from the bowels, like a bullet from a gun!" which meant a visit to the doc, prescription medicine and viola! A new untested and undiscovered and, I bet, futuristic rash. Caused by the medication. All good because there's a lot of cash to be made from getting an antidote?
4.And, come on, my flash disk crashing, with 1 GB or 4months worth of data, and on Friday the 13th. Honestly - that was just Godsent, ama? It got me organised finally. I managed to delete all 25 duplicates of the same documents which were clogging my harddrive.
5. And about the same time, my internet link went AWOL so I figured it was a good time for me to clean up the hard drive after all the procrastination. So like a bright gal I thought I was, I saddled up the laptop and went off to a Java. Settled in and started digging through the mountain of emails. But then - "Low Battery" and I thought, not to worry. Simply get out my electric cable and get back to work. But wait a minute! That aint my laptop's cable. Smart me had picked up the wrong cable. And no amount of cursing, whining, twisting, praying or crying could magically turn up the correct cable. But at least I managed to get a good breakfast.
6. So it finally sunk in and I took myself to a bureau. Good thing I have a memory stick that can double up as a flash disk. Got settled again, logged in and started going through the emails. Then. Black out. Good thing it happened because I realised I can shout "Fukc" loud and clear in public.
7. Then of course while all this was going on, I decided I had had enough and had to go and get something for the futuristic rash. Went to the doctor who prescribed more medication. The result being me up at 3am in the morning. Seated on my bed. Diligently scrubbing away at both my feet with the foot scrub. What's the good side of this you ask? Well, I managed to catch up on some reading which i had been putting off forever.
8. But the best was waking up today morning and seeing the above on my face. In addition to the itchy feet (yeah yeah....itchy Ichiena....very funny), I got a swollen lip. Two swollen lips. Two swollen lips with feet. Two swollen lips with feet about to walk all over my face. So, the good thing about this is that i was able to laugh about it. And i was able to write about it.
And that's looking at the bright side of life. There's always something to laugh about.....
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM. Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
A leading South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study that has been published in a leading scientific journal in the US, has discovered that people with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late ...
A Chinese went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.
After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, My dad perished in that bombing!". "I am not Japanese. I am Chinese!". "Yeah yeah yeah..... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, You are all the same." Retorted Spielberg.
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later the Chinese turned round, and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor. "What was that for?", exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the 'Titanic'. I had ancestors on that ship!", the Chinese replied. "You ignorant man, Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!", shouted the director. "Yeah yeah yeah.....Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg...you are all the
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"